Narcissism

I really wanted to start the year on a positive note. I tried, but I can't fake it. We arrived home from our holiday today. We had good times but it wasn't what I thought it would be.
I have vivid memories of my pregnancy with Lola from this time last year until she was born and they are stirred up every single day. It is wearing me down. I am caught between wanting to change things, be positive, be happy, be thankful but also feel as though being those things will be a betrayal of my devastaion of Lola's loss.
I read today that a grieving parent can be quite narcissistic. I think I fit the bill. I am pretty consumed by my own 'stuff' and get annoyed when others put their own issues on my already massive pile of issues to deal with. I have even deleted people from facebook when I have been faced with their pregnancy and newborn baby daily, a seriously selfish act.

I am going to go to sleep tonight saying over and over again 'happy thoughts, happy thoughts' and hopefully that will create a happy post for tomorrow! It is possible too because i will be sleeping in our MASSIVE king size Sealy posture pedic bed tonight after a couple of weeks in various beds that were not MY AMAZING bed. Have I told you how wonderful our bed is? Seriously it is soo good for the first six months we had it I fell in love with it again every night that I layed me head down in it!

*Disclaimer* All of what I have written above are normal feelings for a mother whose baby died. I am coping as well as anybody who has been through this. These are words I have written on a blog about Lola, words that consume a part of my head and heart but not what I live every moment of every day. I am still able to function in a normal way. (Can you tell I am sick of people talking behind my back and saying 'she's not coping!')

Lost

No direction.
No motivation.
No energy.
Broken.
Leaving 2009 behind is like walking away from a war. I am bruised and battered and limping away from this war that I lost. Or did I? I guess I am still here. My family is intact, just. It just doesn't feel like a win.
Last night the last song they played before the fireworks was 'Lola' by the Kinks. I should have been happy and thinking that Lola was looking out for us. I just cried through the whole song. She should have been there.
I have never cried at midnight on New years before last night.
I guess I will just pick myself up and brush myself off and try again.
I have big plans and ideas and goals for 2010.
They might have to wait till tomorrow, or the next day, or next week. I am bloody tired!

Oh my

I miss my baby girl so much. I just long to hold her. To see her getting all chubby and mobile and smiley. She should be here. We should be packing a bag for her for our holiday too. I HATE that she cant be here with us, her family.
Grief at this time of year is debilitating. I am just emotionally exhausted but there are so many obligations and expectations to be fulfilled.
Lola's tree is so pretty, we have been getting decorations to hang on it nearly every day but I want to show her the tree and explain where each decoration has come from.
Oh Lola, we love you and miss you every day xx

It feels a bit like Christmas

I have been trying so hard to give my kids the most wonderful Christmas ever this year. We have been hurtling through December at full speed with barely a moment to ourselves, hardly a moment to stop and think. We have been having a load of fun participating in all things Christmas. We have been feeling incredibly happy at times. However you just cant escape the obvious gaping whole in our family at this time of year, no matter how much you try.
This time last year we were dreaming of this Christmas with three babies, our complete family. I took a photo of the kids in our (empty) fireplace for our christmas card and planned on making that a tradition every year. We took the photo this year but I cant send it. It makes me too sad. Writing Christmas cards has just been an undoable task this year.
I have sunk. I am exhausted. I have hit a roadblock and feel miserable. It would be quite nice to go to bed tonight and wake up on boxing day.
We are leaving for our caravaning holiday on Christmas afternoon. This is exciting and scary at the same time. We are going to the same place as last year. It is the kind of place where all the same people turn up each year. It is a pretty special spot but again the fact that Lola is not there will be glaring us in the face. Our caravan neighbours will be expecting us to have our baby. That could be a bit awkward.
I hate to say a goodbye on such a sad note but this is where I am.
Our family is sending your family lots of happy wishes for Christmas. We really hope you have a fabulous Christmas, we will try our best to do the same too. Thankyou for all the continued support you have shown us this year. (The Christmas decorations arriving on our doorstep have put a big smile on our faces)
Goodbye for a few weeks our friends xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I learnt something today

You can run as fast as you possibly can for as long as you possibly can but it doesn't matter, the darkness, sadness, missing will always find you.

A new one today

This has been stuck in my head the last few days and not letting me sleep so I had to make it today in a minute while Millie was asleep! So very rough. Millie not so willing for photos either, poor princess that she is.

A busy bee is me

What do you think?