Truth

I have this idea in my head that I dont want my blog to be depressing, I want it to be a story of triumph, mother love and happiness. BUT this is a blog about the death of my daughter so excuse my french but that is f@#$%!n depressing. Losing Lola has been the hardest thing I have ever had to live through but hard in ways I didn't expect as well as the ways you would expect. I am struggling to maintain the relationships in my life, my social skills seem to have left me, I always say the wrong thing because my head is so full of pain I cant think straight or remember things. I get text messages and forget the very next second thus people become upset with me. I have lost the filter that allows me to think before I speak. It is like my mind is moving through mud, it cant keep up with my mouth. I am completely self absorbed in that I dont notice or think of the things I should be doing. For example my mother in law is turning 60 next week. Her party has been organized with no help from me. I didn't even know it was happening until we got a phone call saying be here at this time. It didn't even occur to me to ask what needed to be done! I guess people are trying to be understanding but everyone has their limit. I wonder if the relationships in our life will survive this. I think the thing that will make it hard for others to understand is that we are getting worse right when people expect us to be getting better. The first couple of months I think people were thinking we were doing really well and coping and we were but the shock of all this has finally disappeared. I can see how shock is a great self-preservation tool but it is also cruel in that right now when we need the most support is right when it is dwindling or we feel like we no longer have a right to ask for that support or to be given those allowances.

These are the reasons I would really like to live in the woods just me, Bren, Jackson, Millie and Lola. No need to see people, answer the phone, no expectations until I am able to find some kind of peace with this hand we have been dealt.

My advice for you today is to hold your babies tight, take a moment every day to appreciate their amazingness, remember what is important (i.e.bugger worrying about your pelvic floor jump on the trampoline WITH your kids, they love it) and never ever take them for granted.

At work today

I was rummaging around in my pencil case and pulled out a piece of paper I had doodled all over before I finished work to go on maternity leave. It had three names written on it:

Jackson James
Millie Patricia
Xavier Brendon

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm because we were pretty sure Lola was a girl, we planned for a girl. I dont remember writing this or even thinking it.

Dont forget ...

Today is 'Good Friday' so put your thinking cap on and maybe do a Random Act of Kindness. If you do think of something please tell me about it, I'd love to hear! I will do the same

Thankyou

Thankyou for bringing Chocolate cake
Thankyou for that great big warm hug
Thankyou for a teapot just for me
Thankyou for insisting on watching six kids while I duck down to the shops
Thankyou for emails
Thankyou for beautiful cards
Thankyou for wanting to see the photo's
Thankyou for my gorgeous necklace
Thankyou for being there
Thankyou for being a friend

Image from Etsy 'Group Hug' by barkingbirdart

Time to cheer up

Oh I have been sad! More sad than I have ever felt in my whole life. I have cried many many tears in the last few weeks and I even spent one whole day in bed because I couldn't bear to face the world. Every other day in the last few weeks I have wished i could spend the whole day in bed. Smiles were few and far between and not even my two lovely smiling, breathing babies could make things better. My friends and family have been patient, checking in every now and then but the truth is noone can make this better, it is just stuff I have to work through by myself, I need that time by myself. A couple of months ago one of our very close friends said to me about our loss of Lola "This is the worse thing that has happened to someone we know, we are here for you for as long as it takes, if it takes 10 years that's fine. Whatever you need us to do, that is what we will do." True to his word that is exactly what they have done and many of our other friends, they have listened to what we need and respected that, be it space, distraction, a shoulder to cry on, photo's, a night out, anything. True Friends!

I want to be happy though, I want to be a 'cup is half full' kinda gal. I know we still have some tough times to come but right now, at this moment, I am actively finding ways to cheer up! It started with reading my horoscope on Sunday. I cant remember the exact words but it was something along the lines of "unleash your potential, something great is still to come for you". Then on Monday I had a great session with one of my students, he inspires me and helping him makes me happy. I also found a new blog by another babyloss mama called Still life with circles. This lady has started a 'Random acts of Kindness' project called 'Good Friday'. On friday she goes above and beyond the norm to do something kind for somebody and encourages others to do the same. I really, really love this idea and plan on participating. Doing something extra special for somebody does make me feel good so I'm doing it! I plan on making stuff too, that makes me really happy, to create! And I am going to ask my friends for some of their time, because they make me happy too, being with them makes me feel loved, strong and inspired.

"Oh, I can see a glass half full!"

5 months and 1 week ago I believed I was surviving the worst I will have to ever face. I thought "If I can get through today I will be one day closer to recovering from this great loss". I thought I was doing ok. Yes it was hard and awful but I still smiled sometimes, I still enjoyed my life in between the times I wasn't. I thought 5 months ago was the depths of my grief. In all honesty it has been a slippery slope down since that time, particularly the last few weeks. The shock was buffering the pain. Slowly but surely the shock is diminishing and the reality of this loss is setting in. This is harder, now, trying to move on with my life but without a clue how to get through this terrible ache deep within me. I wonder when I will be strong enough to start climbing out of this hole?

5 months and 2 weeks ago I didn't know pain, I didn't know sadness, I didn't know this whole other part of life called grief. I had never experienced it, I had never witnessed it. Is grief and loss hidden in our society or was I just blind to it? A friend I work with told me of another culture where a funeral is not held until 12 months after death. The family are given 12 months to come to terms with their loss before they have to really say goodbye.

I do not know what to do with this grief and sadness and despair.

Quiet?

I am sick of the sound of my own whingy voice at the moment. Things are just not getting better and I am having more bad days than good. I can't write about it or talk about it. I miss my baby girl and nothing can make that better at the moment. I can just hide and hope for a better day tomorrow.