The Lovely Bones

I just completed my second attempt at watching this movie. I found out a few months ago that this book (by Alice Sebold) was going to be made into a movie. I knew I would have to watch it as soon as I found out. I read the book last summer when I was pregnant with Lola. I was so taken by the idea that death isn't the end. I was so taken in by this story. It was beautiful but utterly devastating at the same time. I knew the time for me to watch this movie would have to be just right though. While on our summer holiday my sister-in-law mentioned that she wanted to see this movie. I jumped at the chance to watch it with her. I pictured a small, cosy country cinema with a supportive friend next to me. Perfect.

I lasted about 25 minutes and then I had to leave. We were sharing the cinema with a big group of teenagers, they were sitting right behind us kicking our seats. They were joking and laughing really loudly right behind us. I had tears pouring down my cheeks and was just about at the point where my tears were coming so thick and fast that I could barely breath and would soon be gulping in air. I stood up and walked out with the intention of returning when I'd pulled myself together. I just could not bring myself to walk back into that cinema though.

I properly prepared myself tonight to watch this movie. Just me and my puppy (she is lieing on my feet) and a packet of tim tams. I could weep loudly if I needed to, no need to feel self-conscious about letting it out in front of a group of kids. (I honestly dont feel any resentment towards them. My guess is that it was all bravado so that they didn't have to let the movie take them to that feeling of devastation.) Charlie (my puppy) was so sweet. I sat on the floor with her. She couldn't watch though and had her head behind my back but still had her front leg resting on my arm.

My verdict: It was intense. But beautiful.

If I watched a movie like this before Lola died I would have comforted myself with the thought that 'that would never happen to me'. That thought does not comfort me anymore. It did happen to me, my daughter died too. I live in fear that it might happen again and a movie such as this can take my mind to places I just dont want to go. 'So dont watch' I hear you say. I could have just not watched it but there were other elements to this story that I needed to see, that I want to believe and they have the potential to make things alright.

I used to believe that bad things dont happen to good people. So I tried to be a good person. But I was wrong. (Even if I am a bad person this didn't just happen to me, it happened to Brendon and Jackson and Millie and Lola and they are nothing but good.) Bad things do happen to good people. How do we explain this? How do you make peace with this? Why do bad things happen to good people? I have read many others theories on why, and while they make sense as I read them (most anyway) they dont really resonate enough to become embedded in my psyche so I guess I am still searching for answers. I do believe that this movie has maybe taken me a step closer to finding my own explanation. At the very least I have some beautiful imagery to spark my imagination.