Timeline

2nd day of my holidays
Last day of prep (waaaa)
Three days until Christmas
Last day of kinder
Last day of crèche
One month of holidays!!!!!!
Sunshine, beach, family, sleep ins, lazy lunches, presents, drinks, late nights, play dates, parties.

Everything is coming up roses

My Millie girl

This

This weekends to do list

Wake up slowly, drink coffee, read the paper, let the kids choose our baking project, put the kids in charge of grocery shopping for said baking project, take a slow walk to the supermarket, enjoy the storms, watch a christmas movie, cover my baby in kisses, dance with my girls and boy, pash my husband, write christmas cards, wrap presents, eat watermelon, attend carols by candle light, snuggle under a rug, stay up late, get up early, hang the washing on the clothes line, dont answer my phone, dont check my emails, keep an eye out for santa, colour in, build with lego, forget work, plan summer holiday activities, have a water fight, got to bed early.

Disco Dayze part 2

Where was I?

Bren - is looking super hot at the moment. He has been working like a machine to get healthy and fit. When the man decides to do something, he bloody well does it. Seriously, his sudden commitment to this has been spectacular to watch. He is working really hard at home and work. Bren seems to have an issue with sitting still, he can't do it. He is always fixing something or making something or rewiring something or tidying something. It really does drive me up the wall, bonkers! Just sit for a bit man. The thing I love most about Bren is that he is one of the kindest men I know. He will do anything for you and people just feel 'at home', instantly, with him. You know those people who as soon as you meet them you feel like you have known them forever? That's my man. And did I mention he got my initial tattoo'd on his arm too? OK, so not JUST my initial, all of our initials down his forearm - KJMLL. How sweet is that! I love him dearly for the wonderful man that he is.

Me - I have been trying to take better care of myself too and technically I should be feeling healthy and energetic but considering the care I have been taking, I dont feel that good physically. Three pregnancies in three years has really taken it's toll on my body. Over a year since I was last pregnant I am still feeling the effects of it and don't feel like my body has fully recovered. I am determined to regain my strength though and I am willing to take my time in doing so.
I love my job, it brings me a lot of satisfaction, and helps us pay the bills. I have to admit though that my favourite daydream fantasy is to quit working, take Lucy out of creche and take care of my family full time. However if I have to work then this is the job I want to be doing.

We have had a lot of good times over the last few months. Admittedly we still have sad days or moments. Just last week actually I had a day that just kept coming up 'Lola'. These days are a lot easier to cope with now though. Lola is a part of our every day life now too. It was hard to imagine that would be possible two years down the track, in the early days. But she really is. The kids mention her all the time. I've heard Jackson's friends at school mention her because he must talk about her to them. Millie has been asking lots of questions about her and trying to work it all out. Whenever someing unexplainable happens one of us will always mention that 'it was Lola' or 'Lola is visiting' or sometimes we just feel her close.

P.s. The disco was so cute tonight. Not a lot of dancing so much running around playing chasey. He did bust a move every now and then though. *melt*

Disco Dayze part 1

We've been pretty awesome really, you know, considering.

Lucy is hilarious and gorgeous and damn hard work at the moment. When she is in good form she has us in stitches. When she is not in good form she is more than a handful. I have never experienced a baby with as much attitude as our littlest. But she has us wrapped around her little finger and noone is more smitten than Jackson. He is crushed if she ever denies him a kiss or cuddle. Millie doesn't even have to work for it though, Lucy gives them to her on the smallest of whims.

Millie is adorable a hundred times over. She got glasses a few months ago. Since then her persona seems to have changed a little. She seems like less of a cheeky monkey and more of a cuddly, little sweetheart. Her smile lights up her entire face and brightens all around her. It is completely infectious and almost permanently on tap. Last night as Bren and I cooked the BBQ, Millie suddenly let out a blood curdling, terrifying scream that didn't end. Jackson came running out to us sceaming that there was something on Millie and I came running. I envisioned a huntsman crawling up her leg as only something that large and scary looking could warrant a scream like that. But no, I examined Millie's leg as she sat quivering on the couch, white as a ghost, and saw only the tinyest speck of a black dot. It was moving so it was a bug but it was so tiny that I couldn't even make out any legs. Millie in a nutshell - sweet, loving, affectionate, girly to the core and terrified of bugs!

Jackson has come such a long way this year. School has been the making of him. He has lost so much of the little anxieties that plagued him last year. He is confident, popular, clever, super handsome and much to my delight has retained so much of his little boy innocence despite now being in primary school. He sleeps on the bottom bunk some nights especially so he can snuggle up with us when we put him to bed. He'll swing a leg up onto mine, put his little arms around my neck and push his nose up against mine. My heart melts a hundred times over. He is so very sensitive to peoples feelings and is very conscious of doing the right thing. He is a wonderful big brother. Jackson and his friends always take care of Millie when she is around for any of their adventures and as I mentioned earlier, he is a sucker for his baby sister, whatever Lucy wants, she gets. Tomorrow is tipped to be one of the highlights of motherhood - I get to chaperone at Jackson's first school disco. I could almost wee my pants I am that excited!

Part 2- mine and Brendon's updates coming soon.

Ink

After thinking, contemplating, planning, chicken-ing out and finally settling for two years we got our Lola ink. I love them so much. The permanency is the best bit. Lola's name will forever be a part of my body. Lola's birthdate is permanently inscribed on Brendon's arm. Always a part of us.

Open for Business (again)

Phew, things were a bit crazy for a while there. Starting my new job and juggling all the other demands of being a mum to three little one's was a tad tricky and the blog was just one more thing making me feel guilty due to being terribly neglected. I just switched it offline for a while, not really sure if I would return or not but I continued writing posts in my head which was sending me a bit batty. So here I am, back on the airwaves, ready to have another go!

What would have been ..

Second birthday's are a little more low key in our family.

We usually do something together as a family or just have a family dinner and cake or something like that.

For Lola's second birthday I imagine (all the time) we would have gone to the zoo this weekend or maybe had the family around on thursday night for a rainbow cake.

I imagine her with dark curly hair (like her Daddy), she probably would have been quite mischievous. Milllie and Lola would love being together and playing babies I am sure. I would have bought her a gorgeous party dress and a dolls house.

Instead I will probably cry and feel sad and want to visit the Chapel where her funeral was held in an attempt to feel closer to her.

Word Mash by Jackson

Jackson has been practising his writing by writing random words on a piece of paper. I thought it was a little insight into the mind of a 5 year old! Enjoy xx

I Love You because

Jackson, I see you as being like me. The way you HATE getting into trouble and it makes you so upset if anybody is even a little disappointed with you and the way you are so careful. You are also very conscientious and loyal. If anybody hurts your friends, watch out cause they'll have you to deal with. You have a few really close friends that you want to play with all the time. You are so clever too, you only need to be told something once and you will remember it always (like your daddy). A lot of my time with you lately is with you asking me how to spell various words (especially your friends names) or playing I spy. You love sport, particularly running.

Millie, You are the little firecracker of our family, you are so full of happiness that you seem to radiate sunshine. You are rarely without a smile on your face. You are so pretty and have hair the colour of rose gold, people always comment on how beautiful your hair is. You have a mischievous side that even though it drives me crazy at times, I secretly love it. Everybody wants to be friends with you and you seem to be in your element when you are surrounded by many and they are ALL your best friend. You are so loving and affectionate. We spend a lot of time hugging. You say the nicest things to me that send my heart a flutter. You dance and sing without inhibition and must have at least two songs sung to you each night before sleeping.

Lola, You are too beautiful for words. You have brought something 'extra' to our little family that cannot be explained. But Mummy and Daddy both feel it. You are a part of our every day in more ways than you could ever imagine. So many people continue to be touched by the beautiful photos of you and the devastating love in your Daddy's eyes. In fact those photo's are making people's lives better. Your big brother and sister still talk about you and love you and your little sister, well, I see you in her eyes every day.

Lucy, you are like a precious and fragile little flower. You are so sweet and love to be snuggled more than anything. You often hold my face with both hands and launch in for a slobbery open mouthed kiss and I adore them. You are greatly amused by your big brother and big sister only. They are the only ones that can give you those beautiful, big belly laughs. You smile at all faces and people are completely bewitched by you the moment you do. We spend most of every night snuggled so close as you feed at your leisure. While it makes Mummy very tired, I am hanging on to that special closeness for as long as I can. I recognise how special it is and will never wish away this time with you while you are still so little and mummy is where it's at!!! (cause i know soon enough it will be all about Daddy).

But all of this is not the reason I love you. I love you because this is what I was born to do, I feel it in every inch of my being, and have for as long as i can remember, that being your mum is why I am here.

warts and all

My night time visitor

Lucy woke last night for a feed at about 2am, nothing unusual about that.

I retrieved her from her cot and brought her back to bed with me. We snuggled down and got on with the business of filling her belly.

At about 2.30am I felt a weight on my foot at the end of the bed. It felt just like Millie had snuck into our room and was standing at the end of our bed about to launch herself up so she could squeeze herself in between us. Again, nothing unusual about that.

I whispered her name and told her to climb in, except there was no other movement, just the weight on my foot.

I whispered her name again and asked if she was ok. Again, nothing. I looked down at the foot of our bed and to my surprise I saw nobody there and the weight on my foot was gone.

I just lay there for a moment and thought about that feeling, it was definitely there and now it was definitely gone. I smiled to myself as I had a feeling I knew who it was.

I snuggled Lucy into me and carried her back to her cot. I also checked the kids beds along the way and just as I suspected everyone was fast asleep.

This is what I have been longing for the last 22 and a half months and finally she came through for me. I am a happy and content Mummy today.

Life is about to get a whole lot busier

I got a job!!!!!

It is the job I have been hankering after for the past couple of years but, obviously, the timing was never quite right.

I am very excited and a lot scared and nervous about how on earth I am going to survive this juggling act. Since having children I have never worked more than two days a week, now I'll be working four days a week, albeit four shorter working days. Bren and his mum will be holding down the fort two days a week and the girls will be going to creche two days a week.

Please dont judge me! It is breaking my heart that I have to leave my baby, I am doing it out of necessity. When we bought our house we figured in one lot of maternity leave but not two.

Throw any tips my way on how to keep all the balls in the air at the same time. I have two weeks to organise as much as I possibly can!

Just because

I can't stop thinking of her today



I was looking through her album last night and I saw this one differently.

This is what it's like ...

To have four children.

Sometimes one gets left out and it is usually the least demanding one. My sweet little Lola has been a little left out.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. But in recent times, she has occupied less of my mind than usual. It has been a while since I have looked through her box or at her photos, I have felt a pull to do exactly that tonight though and It takes but a moment to be transported back to the pain of saying goodbye to my baby.

She is so beautiful, I was looking for similarities to Lucy Rose but I have to say I wasn't struck by how much they look alike. This disappointed me as I see them as being so connected, I don't suppose this means they have to look alike too though.

As time goes by it can be hard to stay connected to my missing baby yet I feel a very strong desire to keep her memory in our family alive.

A post for the broken hearted

The first year of writing my blog I often received emails from other broken hearted parents. Their stories have stayed with me. I haven't received any emails from any of them in recent times and I completely understand why, I just want them to know that I hope with all my heart that they have found some peace and happiness again. Their pain will never be forgotten by me, I promise.

Sneak peak

The fairies had a wonderful time at the party yesterday. I can hardly believe though that after weeks of planning, it is all over!

The above photo is a little sneak peak at the fairy garden I created for the party. The beautiful photo is thanks to my friend Mel from milk photography and the themed decorations are thanks to my friend Gayle from I will invitations they both did such an amazing job!

Your piece of our puzzle

Of late I have had a couple of people share with me their story of Lola, where they were when they found out, what they thought/felt when they found out, how it changed their view of things.

Given it is close to two years since we lost our baby girl people feel more comfortable sharing.

For me, hearing these stories, has made me realise there is a whole other part of Lola's story that I havn't heard and, of course, I want to.

If you have a part of our puzzle that you would like to share, please do!

The Mummy Fairy

The fairies have been extremely busy in our house now that we are less than a week away from the fairy event of the year. They have even pulled together a mummy size fairy outfit! My crafty space looks like the fairies have been bombing us.

The fairy guest of honour, Millie, is almost jumping out of her skin with excitement, particular when the mummy fairy tried on her outfit. She had to try hers on again and she insisted we twirl down the hallway. All way too cute!

What does she think?

I am lucky, I have three babies just down the hall, all sleeping in their beds.
Mostly I feel at peace about that but then sometimes I wonder if Lola is watching us and thinking we have forgotten her or does she think that Lucy has replaced her spot in our family, as the little sister or the littlest daughter.

I want her to know that I think about her all the time, every day. If she is watching she might not know that, I dont cry as much as I used to. In fact Millie said to me today "Mummy you cried when Lucy was in your tummy, now your not sad cause she's not in your tummy."

I have spent many hours this week sorting our photo's into albums and frames. Honestly if you looked through these photo's you would think Lola had never happened. That massive part of who we are as a family is missing from our family albums. I dont have any photo's of when I was pregnant with her or any of right after she was born. I would give anything to have even had just one hour with her alive and breathing in my arms.

Any amount of time would be so much better than none at all. Someone once told me that they think it was better that she died inside me rather than dieing after. I disagree.

As I was sorting the photo's I was unconsciously categorising them as "before Lola" or "after Lola". I was also looking for signs of her in the photo's, any kind of sign that she is with us. No matter how hard I try, I am just not getting those signs, in any form.

I want to know that she is still with us in some way. I want to know that she knows we love her. I want her to know that she has her own little place in our family, even though she may not feature in our family photo albums.

A Big Change

It's starting this week, the thing I have been dreading all summer, the start of school.

This week my little boy is gaining a lot more independence and the separation from us begins!

It all sounds melodramatic doesn't it? But this little person has been with me Everyday for the last 5 and a half years apart from the 2 days a week of Kinder. Now, he will be out 5 days a week, 40 weeks a year.

It marks a huge change in lifestyle for a family. I feel excited, scared, sad and energized by this beginning.

I will need tissues on Friday (and I'll be taking a few extra for Brendon)

P.S. I loathe contact!

I Have Long Showers.

I realised tonight, when having my second shower for the day, that THIS is the time I give myself to think about Lola. It's not a conscious thing, I just realised tonight that it is what I do. I am not thinking of her every moment of every day but I always spend the entire time I am in the shower thinking of Lola.
Tonight I found myself thinking of the number four. That while Lucy has taken us a long way along that road to healing, I want four. My body bears the scars of four babies, I want four babies. I momentarily considered us having another but deep down I know it's not about the number of kids I have, it's never going to be enough, my missing baby will always be missing.

Aussie Summers

I love a last minute plan to meet friends at a lake in the late afternoon.

I love the kids spending every second playing in the water, even though they are turning blue from cold.
I love chucking a few snags on the barbie for an easy dinner.
I love a great chat with a friend you havn't seen in years while standing in the shallows of the lake watching the kids.
I love a stranger from the next picnic over offering all the kids icey poles because they had too many and they are going to melt anyway.
I love the way kids become such fast friends.
I love the way the kids complain when you announce it is time to head home, EVEN though they are freezing, EVEN though it is getting dark and EVEN though they are exhausted, because they are having SO MUCH FUN.
I love they way the kids fall asleep the moment their head hits the pillow after hours playing in the water.

How Australian is that!

Night time visitors

The fairies paid us a visit last night while we were all sleeping and left us fairy outfits for the party!! Milllie was speechless when she made the early morning discovery! What? Millie speechless? I know!First time ever!


*the above link takes you to the lovely fairy that sent this scrumptious offering! Thumbs up on all accounts from us, the quality is beautiful and the service was excellent!

The fairies have arrived...

Dear Fairy Millie,

We have heard the wonderful news that you are having a fairy party for your 3rd birthday. This makes us very excited as we adore a party.

We have decided to move into your house for the next few weeks to help you with everything that needs doing to prepare for your party. This is our magical doorway that lets us into your house at night while you are sleeping. You mustn’t try to open the door as then all the magic will go away and we will not be able to help you anymore.

You will know we have been to visit your house as when you get up in the morning you will see some fairy dust sprinkled around the doorway. Some mornings there may even be a surprise waiting for you (especially if you have slept in your own bed all night).

Lots of love, THE FAIRIES


*If you click on the picture you can see the teeny little door key too

The next big thing...

on our family events calender is Millie's 3rd birthday.

She is having a fairy party and I am so excited about planning it! I am in my element planning the kids parties.

So send me your best fairy party tips!

*I am up at 5.30 am because I am leaving very soon to pick up my very dear frind from the airport for three whole days of hanging out! SOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!

Turned the corner

Yep! You read that right, we have definitely turned a corner.

Lucy is all kinds of amazing, she is a very easy baby to look after (now that she is back to thriving), or maybe it is that this is my 3/4th time around. Probably a bit of both I think.

I am loving all the things that were stressful the first and second time around. I love night feeds in bed with Lucy, I love that Millie crawls in to our bed every night, I love all the little baby clothes I have to wash, I love my appointments at the Maternal and Child Health Nurse, I love carrying her around in my sling, I love the way she is always changing, I love trying to make her smile, I love watching Jackson and Millie compete with each other to get a smile from her. Every day just gets better than the last.

I am excited by the start of a new year and it has been a turning point for me. It marks the end of three years of pregnancy and labour, that period of my life is done now. Every day feels like a big sigh of relief that I can just get on with my life with my intact family (as intact as it will ever be anyway). I still feel sadness but more than that now I feel more at peace with the hand we have been dealt. While I wish every day that Lola was here too, I also feel grateful to her that we have Lucy.

This new year is going to be full of big changes for us I believe. My big boy will be starting school, Millie is starting at a new creche and both Brendon and I are hoping for change in our working lives. At this early stage I feel full of energy and excitement for the year ahead.

So welcome to a new chapter in our lives. I am hoping there will be less tears than the last, less sad tears anyway!