What does she think?

I am lucky, I have three babies just down the hall, all sleeping in their beds.
Mostly I feel at peace about that but then sometimes I wonder if Lola is watching us and thinking we have forgotten her or does she think that Lucy has replaced her spot in our family, as the little sister or the littlest daughter.

I want her to know that I think about her all the time, every day. If she is watching she might not know that, I dont cry as much as I used to. In fact Millie said to me today "Mummy you cried when Lucy was in your tummy, now your not sad cause she's not in your tummy."

I have spent many hours this week sorting our photo's into albums and frames. Honestly if you looked through these photo's you would think Lola had never happened. That massive part of who we are as a family is missing from our family albums. I dont have any photo's of when I was pregnant with her or any of right after she was born. I would give anything to have even had just one hour with her alive and breathing in my arms.

Any amount of time would be so much better than none at all. Someone once told me that they think it was better that she died inside me rather than dieing after. I disagree.

As I was sorting the photo's I was unconsciously categorising them as "before Lola" or "after Lola". I was also looking for signs of her in the photo's, any kind of sign that she is with us. No matter how hard I try, I am just not getting those signs, in any form.

I want to know that she is still with us in some way. I want to know that she knows we love her. I want her to know that she has her own little place in our family, even though she may not feature in our family photo albums.