7 - 11

"Millie where is Lola?"

"She's in 7-11 up in the clouds"

I think Millie and Lola have been talking!

Remembering

I propose a difficult week ahead. (as strange as that may sound, I do mean propose)
I wont be putting on a brave face.
I wont be pushing down my sadness.
I wont be disguising my feelings.
I wont be hiding in the bathroom to cry.
I wont pretend her birthday is a celebration.
This week I am doing what feels right.
I will be having days off,
moments to myself.
I will mention her name and bear my scars.

Every year, so far, I have not quite known how to mark the passing of another year. I have been torn between a celebration or a mourning. Either feels not quite right. I put pressure on myself to come up with a significant tradition or something to make the world remember. This year I will take each moment as it comes. No planning, no pressure, just one moment at a time.

Autumn - Lola

I struggle through these days.

I have a pain in my chest, my head aches, I am emotional without any warning, my limbs feel heavy and smiling feels wrong.

April and May are when it hurts the most.

Memories and missing come to the fore and now

I need to try and put on a brave face.

It is harder to understand three years on, for the outside world.

The inside world, the pain is still raw and here.

Those words come back to haunt me, the words that were set on repeat in those early days -

"I just want to die, I just want to die". It is not so scary hearing that echo anymore because I know why I hear it. In a strange way it is a soothing chant. I know I wont actually die. I know I dont actually want to die, yet those words swim around my head. I know it will stop when this time passes.

My children are a little confused but accepting of my tears. My chest tightened, I gasped for breath and tears poured while reading to them in bed. My son took the book out of my hands and took over the reading aloud, my daughter snuggled in and offered to rub my belly.


They are wise and I am grateful.