Wednesday, June 13, 2012

You know that show?

On channel Ten? Offspring?

I love it.

And I hate it.

I think it must be written by someone who has lost a baby. The issue comes up regularly and the way it is dealt with is so true and compassionate. Tonight's episode was so close to home that it physically hurt. I sobbed hard. So hard I could hardly breath. But anyway it brought something up for me that I haven't spoken about before and I thought maybe I want to.

On the show the father of a baby born very prematurely had his family rally around him. His mum and dad and his sisters. They were so involved and it was their pain and their experience too. We had a load of family around us too. Some had immediately jumped on a plane from Perth as soon as they heard the news. However there was one glaring hole.

I have a brother. Our relationship, in adulthood, has been fractious. The day after Lola was born I received a text message from him that read 'sorry for your loss'. It made me so angry (the anger is building up in me again just writing this). Why did he write that? Why did he bother writing that? That meant nothing to me. He didn't use her name. It wasn't just a loss, her name is Lola and she is his neice. It's not just my loss, it is my pain and your pain too, she is a part of our family, you are related to her. Did you cry about losing a baby neice? Did you actually care that your sister was in the most pain a human being can ever feel. Your words, in a text message, had no meaning, they felt cold and uncaring and probably hurt me more than if you'd done nothing at all. At least if you'd said nothing I could imagine that she, Lola, meant something to you.

*It's true what they say. The pain never goes away, you just learn to live with it. It still surprises me, the verocity of grief after three years. We shared our story yesterday for a television interview in order to promote the organisation Hearfelt and it was more difficult than I imagined. However we talked about whether we could do it again. The answer is a resounding YES. Despite it being hard, it brought us incredible satisfaction and peace to think that our pain and Lola's short time on earth could be used to help others and well, do good. The story was for the ABC's 730. It won't be aired for a few weeks though.