Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Happy mum, Happy family

Finding happiness in this journey of parenthood has been an ongoing battle. I'm not sure when that battle began, it wasn't from the first moments of parenthood but maybe a while after that.
I really don't understand why or how it became a battle for me. Being a mum was truly the. only. thing. I really knew I wanted in my life from a very early age. And in all honestly it is the best thing that I have ever done. It doesn't make sense then that I have struggled to find inner peace and happiness, but I have.
Last winter was a truly awful time for me. Depression and anxiety hit me hard.

I found a way out of that, slowly, one step at a time and I resolved to actively take steps to ensure that doesn't happen again. I changed jobs, I signed up for a grueling endurance event to ensure I kept active, I took time out, every now and again for myself (and tried to not feel guilty about that), and, on the advice of a friend I started reading Sarah Napthali's book 'Buddhism for mothers'.

I am slowly working towards acceptance and peace. I'm not quite there, to be honest, but I feel better equipped to continue moving forward. Now is the time to really actively take steps to ensure I don't fall in a winter slump. It was Lola's 4th birthday on Sunday, we had a really lovely day and emotionally, I felt strong. However the days following, I have felt a little of the fog start to creep in. I've felt the temptation to cancel all of my plans and lock myself away for winter. I've lost my temper with the kids more than once.

It is a fine line between taking time out to restore and rejuvenate and isolating myself to wallow and allow unhealthy thoughts into my mind. I am forcing myself to not cancel social events, to continue to be active, to work on being a calm and happy mother, to set goals, make plans, be healthy!

Happy 4th Birthday Angel xx

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Something wasn't right

I've shared so much on this blog about my pregnancies and births and grief and happiness.
But I haven't shared everything.
There are things I have been aware of all along. Memories, thoughts, feelings. I've known things but I haven't acknowledged them. They are truths that were, that are, too painful to consider.
I didn't connect with Lola in my pregnancy, the way I did with the others. It hurts to even write that.
But I think that maybe I knew, on some level, what the outcome would be/could be.
I remember in the early days some of the things I said and felt that indicated this. But on a conscious level I never acknowledged it.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


I can't breath
My heart is beating crazy fast
I feel faint
Everything is black
What's wrong with me?
I'm going to die
Should I call for help?
I don't know what to do? I have noone to call.
I'm seeing stars
I remember someone I could probably call
I don't want to be a burden but I don't want to die.
I call
Then I am ok
and I realise I was having a panic attack
and I am sick of myself
I just want to be strong, and normal
I dont want to be a burden to my husband
my children
my family
my friends
and I hate myself for being exactly that.

Three triggers in 10 days. Unlucky?
Or a sign that I am not ok AGAIN.

Nowhere to turn. No time for a breakdown.
My pain. My heart. My head.
I am a messy mess.

Where to?

More counselling? More money down the drain that we JUST. CAN. NOT. AFFORD.
and for what.

Me to still not be ok.

No answers.

Just Drowning.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

A week of sads

That is what has brought me back to my old, faithful blog.

It happens every now and again. A few things happen, within a short time, that take me back. I shed my tears, I frown, I wallow.

Grief doesn't go away. You just learn to live with it. Most of the time. But not always.

It's often so unexpected. We went away on the weekend with a big group of friends. It was great fun. And then someone told a joke, with a punchline that knocked the wind right out of me. In that way that post-traumatic stress disorder is triggered, by something small and unrelated and unnoticed by all others. The punchline was words that I have not heard since that terrible day 'nearly' four years ago. It wasn't the joke itself, or the person telling the joke, it was just a trigger that took me back and I fell back into grief.

Since then my week has been littered with incidents and reminders and negative talk in my head, anxiety over completely unrelated things. The more I try to lift myself up the harder it becomes to keep moving myself forward.

Just another glitch in my recovery.