Do you want to help someone who has lost a baby/child?

I thought I would come up with a list of sugestions as this is a common question/concern

Early Days

Send a card (one of the sweetest cards I received said congratulations on the birth of your baby, sorry she couldn't stay), I have kept every single one I received and look over them often as it is solid concrete evidence that yes, she did exist. Dont worry if you think it has been too long before you managed to get around to it, it is nice to still receive a card a month or even two after the birth.

If you bought a gift for the baby before she was born I would suggest still giving it to the family as, again, they are something tangible that can be held and added to the memory box.

If you can cook then definitely cook a meal that can be frozen for the family in a disposable container. Frozen meals are a godsend in the weeks following. Maybe a lasagne or soup?

Rather than always asking the father how his wife is going, check with him that he is ok too. The focus always seems to be on the mama's but the papa's are suffering too!

Send a message or email or letter to let them know you are thinking of them. It is quite nice to also add that you aren't expecting a reply unless they would like to talk, it takes a bit of the pressure off you know?

Dont put any pressure or expectations on the family for a while as it can add a lot of extra stress. Social situations are so difficult for reasons you will never understand unless you have been through it too. At the same time though still invite the parents out or catch up the same as you always would just dont take it personally if they say no (or cancel) more than once.

Chocolate biscuits are good too!

Some of the best support I have received has been the gentle, quiet but consistent support on the sidelines. I have a few friends that regularly send supportive sms's or emails, dont expect anything in return but just letting me know they are there, they casually let me know and invite us to any gatherings but truly, honestly have no expectations and dont hold any grudges.

Six months plus

Understand that special events (birthdays, christmas etc.) are usually hard and a stark reminder that their baby is missing. Let the parents know that you understand this. If it is appropriate and you feel comfortable doing so maybe find a small way to include the babies memory like a candle burning or another cute thing a friend of mine did was having a lolly bag for the baby (although admittedly I ate the Lindt chocolate block, you know because that is what Lola would have wanted ; ), I did put the little clip in Lola's memory box though).

When mentioning the baby use her/his name, the same way you would if the baby was still here. Even though the baby has died mama's (and papa's) like to talk about their babies just as much as if they were here and hearing their name spoken is nice. (although if the parent changes the subject quickly go with that, maybe it is a hard day)

Chocolate cake is good! It cures many ails!!

Maybe send a card on a significant anniversary or at a time you know is tough.

If the mama or papa cries let them feel like that is ok, dont make them feel bad about being sad and crying. Dont take their crying personally, you didn't make them cry (unless you said something hideous but if you are reading this I am sure you wouldn't have done that), they are crying because their baby died.

Ask the parents how things are going and be interested in the answer.

If the parents have gone out and are having a good time and are smiling and laughing let that be ok too. It's ok to have good time sometimes right?

Understand that it takes a really long time to heal from the trauma of losing a baby/child. Be patient with the parents. Love them.

Again, I cant emphasise enough, to not put pressure on the parents to be up to socialising. Grieving is really exhausting, it takes up most of the brain space and what is left over is mostly taken up by getting through day to day. When you do see them keep in mind that they will quite possibly be very vague and maybe sigh a lot,
please dont take this personally, it really isn't because of you, their baby died remember.

Finally, Oh my goodness, you must be a super duper special friend if you managed to read all the way to the end of that huge list!!! It is an awful lot isn't it! I know there are wonderful friends and family out there who want to know these things though, I know because lots of them have asked for a list of tips just like this! I think it is worth sticking by the babyloss parents through this tough time though because when they get to a place of peace and acceptance they will be an extra generous, life loving, thankful friend!

(If you are a babyloss parent and would like to add anything to this list then feel free to email me)

Do you know how I can add a link to this post over there to the right? I thought it might be useful to have a direct link rather than having to search for it!
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A tree for Lola

We have two christmas trees this year.
A family tree AND another little tree just for lola.
The kids made little decorations for her, I am making one for her and my step mum had one made for her. Another blogland friend is sending one for her. (Check out her blog, it is soo pretty)
I am hoping our family include Lola in our christmas celebrations. I have realised that that is the best way I will get through Christmas, if she is remembered in some way, her name is mentioned and it is recognised that one important, special little person is missing. Even if this happens I cant promise I wont cry a few tears but that's ok right? Surely it is ok for a mumma to cry a few tears for her baby that is not with her at Christmas, one less stocking hanging, no presents needing to be bought for her, one less child to make happy on THE day that is all about the little people.
Those tears will be about missing, acceptance, happiness, sadness, one less, innocence/naivety lost, appreciation, remembrance.

p.s.(There is a little butterfly flying around outside the window right by where I am writing this, Lola says Hi!)

Lesson learnt, but OUCH!!

I have heard theories like this thrown about before and not paid them much heed. Nothing surprises me now though.
I spent all of yesterday at work trying to find the smallest excuse to just go home. I didn't want to be there, my head wasn't in the right space, I felt low. I didn't have any particular reason that I could pin this feeling too so I just kept going through the day daydreaming of being in the sanctity of my home, particularly my bed. The thought of burying my head in my pillow curled up under my covers seemed like heaven.
At 6am this morning I rolled over in bed and somehow I pulled a muscle in my neck and shoulder. Despite all my plans of visiting people today and running around all over town, I have spent the entire day in bed dosed up on painkillers unable to do a thing!
Interesting huh! Did my subconscious make this happen to force me to take this time out from... well everything?

Happy Birthday Mr President

Happy Birthday Brendon (President of the Kinder parent committee ; ))

We hope your day is lovely, we plan on spoiling you lots, you deserve it my love!

Thanks for being an amazing dad to your three babies

Thanks for being a wonderful husband

Thanks for making us breaky every day

Thanks for always putting us first

Thanks for holding me up when things are horrible

Thanks for sharing your grief and pain with me so I dont feel so alone and letting me support you too

Thanks for being brave and kind and caring and loving. Thanks for being the generous and funny and thoughtful man that you are

I love you

A generous spirit

This journey of Baby loss has been a crazy ride. I have lost a few friends along the way but also gained many. I feel like I have my own team of cheerleaders on the sidelines cheering me on, encouraging me, supporting me and sometimes catching me when I fall. One such person, who has been there from the very start, held a party for her boys 4th birthday a couple of weeks ago. It was great fun and a lovely way to finish a spectacular weekend of parties with friends we love.
As we were leaving, the kids were very lucky to be given little party bags to take home, they were super excited about that (their second for the weekend!). Our friend then came over to me and gave me a party bag that she had made especially for Lola! I was so touched!
This friend, Liv, is an inspirational mum on a rollercoaster journey of her own. Liv and her amazing little boy, Elliott, inspire us every day. They are special people that we feel blessed to have in our life.

Christmas on my mind

As christmas approaches (only one month today!!) I have been trying to prepare myself for what could be a hard time. I dont mean that I am expecting it to be hard but rather trying to think of ways to make it less so. I am a lover of all things Christmas, I'd like it to stay that way, so I have been trying to think of ways to make it less hard for Brendon and I and just as enjoyable for all those around us. Woah, where to start?
Ultimately having Lola here would be the best arrangement possible, but kinda out of reach. The next best thing is to have her here in other ways, to make her a part of what would have been her first Christmas. I have been busy sewing Chrissy decorations for the grandparents. They are quite big so noone can really miss them when hanging on the tree...


My Aunty Leanne bought us a Christmas snow globe that we can bring out every year, this is Lola's special Christmas decoration.


As a family we will buy a present, age appropriate for Lola, and put it under the Kmart Christmas tree.

I plan on going gently this year, not having too many expectations on myself. If there are tears then so be it, I've learnt that holding them in just makes it worse. I am allowed to be sad that my tiny girl isn't with her family for her first Christmas.

Do you have any ideas on how to remember those little people that are not here, but should be? Or how to get through the festive season when there is someone 'tiny' missing?

A greater purpose, if you will

Do you ever feel like there is something big you have to do but you just havn't figured out what it is yet? I have this feeling in my heart right now. It is so strong I can barely think of anything else. I feel like I am just on the edge of discovering what it is, like it is on the tip of my tongue. Do you ever feel like this too?

Image: The Edge