I've shared so much on this blog about my pregnancies and births and grief and happiness.
But I haven't shared everything.
There are things I have been aware of all along. Memories, thoughts, feelings. I've known things but I haven't acknowledged them. They are truths that were, that are, too painful to consider.
I didn't connect with Lola in my pregnancy, the way I did with the others. It hurts to even write that.
But I think that maybe I knew, on some level, what the outcome would be/could be.
I remember in the early days some of the things I said and felt that indicated this. But on a conscious level I never acknowledged it.