Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Big ball of fire

is building up inside of me. The closer we get to the anniversary of Lola's death, the less I am coping. The ball of fire inside me is ignited so quickly and i find myself full of anger. And sadness. I knew this time would be hard but I could never have predicted how far I would fall. Some days I dont know how I will make it to the next, the hopelessness is overwhelming.
It has taken me this whole, long one year to feel the complete impact of our loss, I believe. To realise the void that Lola has left in our family will never be filled, never.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Hope springs eternal

I thought I was without hope.
I thought I was protecting myself by expecting the worst.
That way I would not feel disappointment and anything better than the worst would be a bonus.
Leading up to our scan last week I prepared myself for there being no heartbeat on the screen. I pictured how that would look and I decided that is what I would expect. If there was a heartbeat and a healthy, growing baby then that would be a bonus. I kept up this thinking right up until the doctor called our name.
However, as I walked into the room I felt a tiny, irridescent bright light beaming from my belly. It was hope. As hard as I tried to not feel it, I did. I couldn't help but feel it. With hope came calm and light. It was a strange feeling, the way it just came over me in those moments. I realised, in that moment, that 'with hope' IS the way to live this difficult time.

This story made me feel hope too. I want that! Everything Angie describes in that post! (Well maybe leave the sore ass out of my story!)

Saturday, April 10, 2010

There's this thing

...that happens to me in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy. It is called Anti-Natal Depression. Have you ever heard of such a thing?
All day, every day my head says
'You are lazy'
'You are a crap mum, wife, daughter, friend'
'You are hopeless'
'You are fat'
'What is wrong with you'
I hardly move off the couch while this inner dialogue plays on repeat in my head. It becomes a self-fulfilling phrophecy.

I have been here twice before though (I didn't have it with Jackson's pregnancy) so a part of me knows that it will end around the half way mark. I believe it to be a combination of hormones, 24/7 nausea and extreme tiredness and probably grief and fear thrown into the mix this time.

In short I am struggling daily at the moment but I have gotten through it before and I will again.