Saturday, July 10, 2010

It IS a Mad World

I have been watching as my husband goes through all of those stages of grief again these past few days, as his brother passed away on Thursday. It has been difficult to watch but I am also struck by just how amazing he is, he truly is a man with a big, generous and loving heart.

We played the song 'Mad World' at Lola's funeral and as such I have posted it on my blog. This song is going to be played at Justin's funeral this coming week also, it just sums up the way losing someone close to you can make you feel.

♥ RIP Justin ♥

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The weight of pregnancy

Three pregnancies in three years. Each of them related to a trauma of sorts. I guess that can take its toll and I guess that is the crux of my black cloud at the moment. I am feeling the weight of this pregnancy, the pain and the tiredness that comes with it which is a stark reminder of the the emotional journey of this pregnancy. It is not an easy one and it is putting a huge strain on all aspects of my life.

I want the baby so badly though it hurts just thinking about it. Please let everything be ok! Please let us get through this difficult, testing time. Please Please let everything be ok!

The line has been crossed

I am on the other side now of that invisible line. I think when your baby dies people give you a one year period of grace. By 'people' I mean those that you are close to, your family and friends. 'Odd' behaviour within a year is forgiven because 'oh yes, her baby died'.

I realised this a couple of weekends ago when a significant family member to me responded with 'so?' when I told them about the things I had found on the internet related to 'my medical issues'. That one word wounded me. They dont care anymore. They dont remember the baby, in their family, who died.

Someone else was counting the number of grandchildren in our family and they forgot Lola or at the very least decided she doesn't count. That wounded me too.

I feel sad at the moment, and really, really angry. I can't quite pinpoint why but I think it is partly because i am now on the other side of that line. I keep giving myself the pep talk about just getting on with it, be grateful, just be happy, it has been over 12 months now! I wish it was as simple as a pep talk to lift the weight off my shoulders and the black cloud out of my mind.

I want the old me back. The carefree, innocent, grateful and happy me.