Friday, January 29, 2010

something a little bit fun and happy

I wish there was more spontaneous dancing in the street.
Oh if only life was a musical!

The unbeatable lovliness of friends

Not just any friends but those friends who have been there with you for most of your life. Through all the ups and downs. I have two friends like this. Davina and Nicole. They have been with me forever and I believe they always will be. They live on the other side of Australia to me, in the last twelve years we have only lived in the same city for 4 years. But it does not seem to matter how far away we are from each other, our bond is unbreakable.
When Lola died they decided they would be at her funeral. They have three kids each so it was a mammoth task in itself to make a last minute dash across the country. Lola's funeral was to be held on monday morning and they were leaving Perth at midnight on the Sunday night, arriving in melbourne in the early hours of the morning. When they arrived at the airport on Sunday night they were unable to board their flight. They spent the night in the airport unable to get on another flight until Monday morning. To late to make it to Lola's funeral. They came anyway. They arrived on my doorstep Monday afternoon. When I opened the door to them we all just burst into tears, all three of us. I was so touched that they went through all that and came anyway. I had 24 hours with them before they had to get on a plane and go back home. I think it was so amazing that they did that for me. I will never forget it. I love them, my lifelong friends.

p.s. I had lots of family make the trek over from Perth for the funeral, I was really overwhelmed by how supported we were by our friends and family from all over. Thankyou to everyone who was there for us, in person and in thoughts xx

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Goals, goals goals

I have a few goals for this year. I am only just starting to get the ball rolling but, hey, better late than never!

The first one I wrote about in my last post.

My second goal: I want to work towards holding a market stall with all my own handmade kids stuff. I was planning on doing this in the first few months of the year but have been rethinking this the last few days. Anyway, my goal is to, sometime this year, hold a stall at the Camberwell market.

We also have a family goal, one change a month towards a more sustainable lifestyle. I think that is doable. I was given a really great book for my birthday last year called 'A slice of organic life'. It is full of things you can do (small and big) towards changing to a better way of living. We started on this goal yesterday. We have planted strawberries, tomatoes and rosemary plus we have started composting. Hey, we are starting small and really, small changes are better than no changes, right? We do have bigger goals for later on in the year (cause they cost a bit to implement). Oh and we have signed up to Freecycle which could help us reach those goals sooner with any luck.

My final goal is to find the courage to get through another pregnancy.

Have you set yourself any goals for 2010? I'd love to hear about them ♥
I am trashing my body at the moment.

Booze, fat, sugar, caffeine

My new mantra as of tomorrow

'My body is a temple'

No but seriously, it is out of control and I have to focus on getting healthy ASAP

Salad, vegetables, water and heaps of excercise. I have to, I really, really do.

It all starts tomorrow

'My body is a temple'.

One of my goals for 2010

Give me strength!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Lovely Bones

I just completed my second attempt at watching this movie. I found out a few months ago that this book (by Alice Sebold) was going to be made into a movie. I knew I would have to watch it as soon as I found out. I read the book last summer when I was pregnant with Lola. I was so taken by the idea that death isn't the end. I was so taken in by this story. It was beautiful but utterly devastating at the same time. I knew the time for me to watch this movie would have to be just right though. While on our summer holiday my sister-in-law mentioned that she wanted to see this movie. I jumped at the chance to watch it with her. I pictured a small, cosy country cinema with a supportive friend next to me. Perfect.

I lasted about 25 minutes and then I had to leave. We were sharing the cinema with a big group of teenagers, they were sitting right behind us kicking our seats. They were joking and laughing really loudly right behind us. I had tears pouring down my cheeks and was just about at the point where my tears were coming so thick and fast that I could barely breath and would soon be gulping in air. I stood up and walked out with the intention of returning when I'd pulled myself together. I just could not bring myself to walk back into that cinema though.

I properly prepared myself tonight to watch this movie. Just me and my puppy (she is lieing on my feet) and a packet of tim tams. I could weep loudly if I needed to, no need to feel self-conscious about letting it out in front of a group of kids. (I honestly dont feel any resentment towards them. My guess is that it was all bravado so that they didn't have to let the movie take them to that feeling of devastation.) Charlie (my puppy) was so sweet. I sat on the floor with her. She couldn't watch though and had her head behind my back but still had her front leg resting on my arm.

My verdict: It was intense. But beautiful.

If I watched a movie like this before Lola died I would have comforted myself with the thought that 'that would never happen to me'. That thought does not comfort me anymore. It did happen to me, my daughter died too. I live in fear that it might happen again and a movie such as this can take my mind to places I just dont want to go. 'So dont watch' I hear you say. I could have just not watched it but there were other elements to this story that I needed to see, that I want to believe and they have the potential to make things alright.

I used to believe that bad things dont happen to good people. So I tried to be a good person. But I was wrong. (Even if I am a bad person this didn't just happen to me, it happened to Brendon and Jackson and Millie and Lola and they are nothing but good.) Bad things do happen to good people. How do we explain this? How do you make peace with this? Why do bad things happen to good people? I have read many others theories on why, and while they make sense as I read them (most anyway) they dont really resonate enough to become embedded in my psyche so I guess I am still searching for answers. I do believe that this movie has maybe taken me a step closer to finding my own explanation. At the very least I have some beautiful imagery to spark my imagination.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


I went to see a new doctor today, a female doctor.
I really liked her.
I made her cry.
Which made me like her even more.
Is that bad?

I went to see her about an unrelated matter and had planned on not saying anything about Lola as I am not in a good place at the moment and I knew if I did tell her then I would cry. But I had to mention I'd had a baby 8 months ago and then she asked if I was breastfeeding. So it came up. And I did cry. And she cried as I told her. I have seen a lot of doctors in the past two years of my life and it has been rare for a doctor to show any feeling. I understand this, they have a job that could be much harder if they didn't desensitise themselves from stories such as mine. BUT jeez it was good to find myself today sitting in front of a doctor who was also a woman and also a mother.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Whispers in the wind

A family of four we were. We liked being a family of four, two girls and two boys. And then we dreamed one day of being a family of five. Oh yes, we shed tears of fear. Will Mama survive? Can we afford it? Where will we live? But we worked it out, actually it was easy. Everything just fell into place. It was meant to be.

But then it wasn't. Then our baby died. Our families heart broke. Right when we should have been bringing our baby girl home, we were attending her funeral. She never came home.
Our families heart broke.

That feeling of empty arms that I felt in the early weeks after Lola's death returns for a couple of days every month. I ache to hold our newborn baby, to breath in that heady, overwhelming smell of a newborn, to feel their cheek against mine and to look into their eyes. For the rest of the month I feel a consuming fear as to whether we should take that leap and try again. Or not.

A desperate need vs an overwhelming fear

My solution is to live in a fog for some of the time and not acknowledge any of this story or sometimes I throw caution to the wind. What will be, will be. Other times I live and breath this story and graffiti my life with it.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My happy place

This is where I go to create, escape and make!

My very own little corner of our house, just for me!

I am hoping this is just the beginning!

And just for the hell of it

My cute as a button christmas princess

Yippee, santa remembered to stop by our place

Monday, January 11, 2010


I really wanted to start the year on a positive note. I tried, but I can't fake it. We arrived home from our holiday today. We had good times but it wasn't what I thought it would be.
I have vivid memories of my pregnancy with Lola from this time last year until she was born and they are stirred up every single day. It is wearing me down. I am caught between wanting to change things, be positive, be happy, be thankful but also feel as though being those things will be a betrayal of my devastaion of Lola's loss.
I read today that a grieving parent can be quite narcissistic. I think I fit the bill. I am pretty consumed by my own 'stuff' and get annoyed when others put their own issues on my already massive pile of issues to deal with. I have even deleted people from facebook when I have been faced with their pregnancy and newborn baby daily, a seriously selfish act.

I am going to go to sleep tonight saying over and over again 'happy thoughts, happy thoughts' and hopefully that will create a happy post for tomorrow! It is possible too because i will be sleeping in our MASSIVE king size Sealy posture pedic bed tonight after a couple of weeks in various beds that were not MY AMAZING bed. Have I told you how wonderful our bed is? Seriously it is soo good for the first six months we had it I fell in love with it again every night that I layed me head down in it!

*Disclaimer* All of what I have written above are normal feelings for a mother whose baby died. I am coping as well as anybody who has been through this. These are words I have written on a blog about Lola, words that consume a part of my head and heart but not what I live every moment of every day. I am still able to function in a normal way. (Can you tell I am sick of people talking behind my back and saying 'she's not coping!')

Friday, January 1, 2010


No direction.
No motivation.
No energy.
Leaving 2009 behind is like walking away from a war. I am bruised and battered and limping away from this war that I lost. Or did I? I guess I am still here. My family is intact, just. It just doesn't feel like a win.
Last night the last song they played before the fireworks was 'Lola' by the Kinks. I should have been happy and thinking that Lola was looking out for us. I just cried through the whole song. She should have been there.
I have never cried at midnight on New years before last night.
I guess I will just pick myself up and brush myself off and try again.
I have big plans and ideas and goals for 2010.
They might have to wait till tomorrow, or the next day, or next week. I am bloody tired!