Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The waiting game,

limbo land, whatever you want to call it, it is hard. Are we waiting for a baby, a little sister for Jackson and Millie, a daughter to hold and care for and watch grow or are we waiting for even more heartbreak.

I am trying to think positively but then I am not sure if that is wise either. Does it hurt more if you are expecting the best outcome or does it hurt less if you have prepared yourself that things may not go perfectly?

Who knows? All I do know is that this is THE. LONGEST. PREGNANCY. EVER. Excruciatingly long. I am only 22 weeks pregnant but I feel like I have been pregnant forever...

Saturday, June 19, 2010


Brendon pointed out that the quote below was using information from 1989, over twenty years ago. Fair point! A lot can happen in the medical world in that time so I did some more research and the latest I was able to find was from 2005 but it was still saying the same thing, pregnancy after uterine embolisation is rare and if it does occur the risks of miscarriage and stillbirth are high.
When I was pregnant with Lola I was so worried as to what the impact of the embolisation would be, i was so worried that I asked a number of doctors over my first few appointments. All of these doctors either dismissed my concerns on the spot or consulted with another doctor who assured us it would be fine. Noone went away and consulted the literature or previous cases. I feel a fire begin to spark inside.
what would you do?

I spoke to a lawyer last year about our case and she told us what the process would involve, and it sounded horrendous! We would have to undergo psychological testing to find out just how 'affected' we are by Lola's death, compensation would be based mostly on the financial cost of losing Lola on our family and the final comment that put my off? "Are you receiving counselling?", "Yes, I am", "Good, that will look good". The whole process just sounds more than I can cope with and with the courts putting little value on the life of an unborn baby, it hardly seems worth it!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Not happy!

My appointment on wednesday has left me thinking and my anger is festering! I decided to do my own research on the condition I had after Millie's birth that has caused so many complications (Arteriovenous Malformation). The first medical journal article I found said this "Pregnancy following embolisation for uterine vascular malformation is rare. Increased fetal wastage and stillbirth following treatment is common (Fleming et al 1989) So far, only four other successful pregnancies following embolisation have been reported in the literature (Poppe & Van Assche 1989). to the best of our knowledge, only one of these four women was delivered normally, with the rest being delivered by caesarean section."
Oh. My. God.

Where is Erin Brokovich when you need her!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Where I have been

Yesterday we had our BIG 20 week scan. I wouldn't say that I have been sweating on it or even thinking about it, just ignoring everything pregnancy related in the build up.
I guess I was emotionally exhausted after Lola's 1st birthday and my head needed a break from stress and at this point in time it was possible to ignore (most of the time) the pregnancy and just be 'normal' for a bit. It was also a way to not get too invested in this pregnancy until I had a better idea of where we stand. Our scan yesterday gave us a pretty good idea of how things are going.
It was pretty extensive as far as scans go, it took over an hour and all the potential dangers were investigated. So far it all looks pretty good AND 'it' is a girl!!!This news surprised us, we were sure it was going to be a boy and most people had guessed a boy but we are so happy and excited now that we know.

*Rant starts here (r rated)*
Unfortunately there is a bit of the bitter thrown in with the sweet. I couldn't help but feel pissed off that the same level of care I am receiving in this pregnancy was not given in Lola's pregnancy. It would have been so EASY to just do the same extensive tests in Lola's pregnancy as what we had done yesterday. The doctors were unsure at that time as to the effect of past procedures I'd had and decided in a quick 2 minute hallway discussion 'I am sure it will be ok'. They just didn't bother to write the extra two sentences on my scan referral that could have saved a babies life. It is not enough that there is a risk of something being wrong, a baby has to actually DIE before they will bother to write that extra two sentences. Excuse my french but that is fucked!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The reason...

for my silence, for my inability to 'talk' or mention that thing i can not talk about? It is here today!

I will be back later to 'talk'!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

My Happy place

♥ Rainy saturday afternoon, with my little family all at home, spending the afternoon cooking something fabulous (if I wasn't pregnant I'd include finishing the bottle of red I opened for said fabulous dish). Then all curling up in our king size bed together to watch the saturday night kids movie.

It just does not get much better than that!

(If you had of told me that this would be my idea of bliss 6 years ago I would have surely laughed!)

Friday, June 4, 2010

I am back...

at a place of acceptance. I am feeling grateful for what I do have. Jackson, Millie and Lola just couldn't be any cuter. Jackson and Millie fill my days with sweetness, kisses and cuddles and Lola reminds me to be in the moment, right there with them all.

I have been remembering lately the lessons I learnt in the beginning. I have been remembering that life is precious and when things are going along nicely, well you just have to be happy and grateful for that moment.

Sometimes I do forget to stop and smell the roses, sometimes I get so caught up in the grind of juggling work, and a family that I get grouchy and impatient(and I yell) and then something will remind me to slow down and take those moments to enjoy what is here and right in front of me.

Take those moments and treasure them, enjoy them, relish those hugs and kisses and smiles and the preciousness of what you DO have.

Have a lovely weekend my friends xxx