Friday, May 18, 2012

Hopeless and lost

I am finding it hard to bounce back from Lola's third birthday. I am falling into desperation. I feel manic at times. Forced happiness that feels like craziness. Overwhelming anger over nothing much. Hopelessness at how to pull myself back.
I sense Brendon is struggling too. We're like zombies, just getting through, side by side but separate.
I want change, I need change. I feel burnt out from my job. It is hard to give what I need to give to the people I work with when I feel like this, especially when the pressure continues to increase. It is too much.
I could ask for help, I know. But I don't know what that help looks like.
Everything that was great and exciting a few months ago feels grey now and too hard.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


We don't know for sure, but we think this day, three years ago, is the day Lola died. Tomorrow will mark three years since we found out that she had passed away and Saturday would have been her third birthday.

I have had it in my head for months that I would take today and tomorrow off work to give myself some space to grieve, be sad, cry or whatever I needed to do. As this week approached I tried to keep my diary as clear as possible. My job is such that it can be hard to say no sometimes though. Our clients are vulnerable and depend on us to be there for them. So I said yes to a meeting this morning despite what I knew.

I started crying last night and have been teary since. I cried all the way to work. I cried the moment I walked into my office and saw my friend. I stopped crying for the meeting and held myself together for the entire time, but I started crying the moment I was out of the meeting. I cried the whole way home.

I feel pain in my chest and I can't breath. My muscles all over my body are fatigued. My head is pounding and I can't think. I can't see. My heart hurts so bad.

It stills feels unjust, unfair. Why me, why us, why Lola.

Three years is forever, and like it was yesterday.

I am right where I need to be. At home on my couch under a doona.