Friday, November 27, 2009

Lesson learnt, but OUCH!!

I have heard theories like this thrown about before and not paid them much heed. Nothing surprises me now though.
I spent all of yesterday at work trying to find the smallest excuse to just go home. I didn't want to be there, my head wasn't in the right space, I felt low. I didn't have any particular reason that I could pin this feeling too so I just kept going through the day daydreaming of being in the sanctity of my home, particularly my bed. The thought of burying my head in my pillow curled up under my covers seemed like heaven.
At 6am this morning I rolled over in bed and somehow I pulled a muscle in my neck and shoulder. Despite all my plans of visiting people today and running around all over town, I have spent the entire day in bed dosed up on painkillers unable to do a thing!
Interesting huh! Did my subconscious make this happen to force me to take this time out from... well everything?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Birthday Mr President

Happy Birthday Brendon (President of the Kinder parent committee ; ))

We hope your day is lovely, we plan on spoiling you lots, you deserve it my love!

Thanks for being an amazing dad to your three babies

Thanks for being a wonderful husband

Thanks for making us breaky every day

Thanks for always putting us first

Thanks for holding me up when things are horrible

Thanks for sharing your grief and pain with me so I dont feel so alone and letting me support you too

Thanks for being brave and kind and caring and loving. Thanks for being the generous and funny and thoughtful man that you are

I love you

A generous spirit

This journey of Baby loss has been a crazy ride. I have lost a few friends along the way but also gained many. I feel like I have my own team of cheerleaders on the sidelines cheering me on, encouraging me, supporting me and sometimes catching me when I fall. One such person, who has been there from the very start, held a party for her boys 4th birthday a couple of weeks ago. It was great fun and a lovely way to finish a spectacular weekend of parties with friends we love.
As we were leaving, the kids were very lucky to be given little party bags to take home, they were super excited about that (their second for the weekend!). Our friend then came over to me and gave me a party bag that she had made especially for Lola! I was so touched!
This friend, Liv, is an inspirational mum on a rollercoaster journey of her own. Liv and her amazing little boy, Elliott, inspire us every day. They are special people that we feel blessed to have in our life.

Christmas on my mind

As christmas approaches (only one month today!!) I have been trying to prepare myself for what could be a hard time. I dont mean that I am expecting it to be hard but rather trying to think of ways to make it less so. I am a lover of all things Christmas, I'd like it to stay that way, so I have been trying to think of ways to make it less hard for Brendon and I and just as enjoyable for all those around us. Woah, where to start?
Ultimately having Lola here would be the best arrangement possible, but kinda out of reach. The next best thing is to have her here in other ways, to make her a part of what would have been her first Christmas. I have been busy sewing Chrissy decorations for the grandparents. They are quite big so noone can really miss them when hanging on the tree...

My Aunty Leanne bought us a Christmas snow globe that we can bring out every year, this is Lola's special Christmas decoration.

As a family we will buy a present, age appropriate for Lola, and put it under the Kmart Christmas tree.

I plan on going gently this year, not having too many expectations on myself. If there are tears then so be it, I've learnt that holding them in just makes it worse. I am allowed to be sad that my tiny girl isn't with her family for her first Christmas.

Do you have any ideas on how to remember those little people that are not here, but should be? Or how to get through the festive season when there is someone 'tiny' missing?

Friday, November 20, 2009

A greater purpose, if you will

Do you ever feel like there is something big you have to do but you just havn't figured out what it is yet? I have this feeling in my heart right now. It is so strong I can barely think of anything else. I feel like I am just on the edge of discovering what it is, like it is on the tip of my tongue. Do you ever feel like this too?

Image: The Edge

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I now know that Lola is ok. The message finally came through in a way that I could hear it and understand it.
I am a happy mumma.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

What's up buttercup (2)

Made: singlet for a little friend of mine as an interim pressie till I finish her fabric dollhouse

and homemade, reuseable wrapping paper (callico)

Making: fabric dollhouse

Challenged: by these bloody fabric dollhouses!

Realising: that I am smack bang average in my grieving! I have been thinking I am crazy and totally not coping the way others do. SIDS and kids sent me a whole lot of reading on grief. This reading has shown me that every single thing I was worried about is completely normal for a mumma who has lost her baby. Even my darkest and scariest thoughts are NORMAL. I am also realising who it is safe to talk to about Lola and who it is not safe to talk to.

Visited and now in love with: Thread Den

Reminiscing: about the super fun weekend we just had. Two very special little people had their birthday parties on the weekend and I got to spend two days in a row with some of my favourite people.

Cared for: by my family. My mum came and spent last week with us and my aunty is coming to spend this week with us. This kind of TLC is just what the doctor ordered.

Love: receiving letters from people touched by our story. After the one I received today (and the lovely gift accompanying it) I suspect Lola may be trying to get a message through to me.

A new role: Bren and I decided we wanted to have a hand in the running of our childrens kinder so attended the AGM last night. He is the president and I am the secretary. Bren is excited because he thinks he might be able to boss me around a bit now, that makes me laugh lots!

Wondering: if I will take this next step

Dreaming: of starting my own creative business

Hoping: to meet my friend M one day so I can give her the hug I keep wishing I could give. She knows what I know

Thinking back: to a more innocent time when I didn't know. Gosh I took things for granted. I am grateful for the lessons I have learnt funnily enough but they come at such a price.

Bargain: my new craft space just purchased on ebay for such a bargain!

Looking: for somewhere to get my tattoo done. A friend designed it for me. (Isn't it amazing how you can have friends now that do lovely things for you even though you have never met!)

Anticipating: fun to be had at crafternoon, it is finally here! (well in 5 days but that is super close compared to a month away when it was organized)

Amazed: by my lovely and brave husband for writing about losing our tiny girl from his point of view. I know it was hard for him but a fathers voice is rarely heard in this journey. He is pretty wonderful.

Touched: by a letter I received from Pip". She referred to Lola as my 'tiny girl'. I like that very much. She will always be my tiny girl.

Missing: my tiny girl. Always.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Hi there

Feeling brighter, feeling happier!


(how cute are these sunglasses! I bought them for Millie for christmas but I am thinking about giving them to myself for christmas instead, she can inherit them from me)

Friday, November 6, 2009

Secret Garden Meeting for this month

Where are you at in your grief?
I think I am pretty close to rock bottom at the moment. I have never known grief and depression like what I am feeling right now. I thought the first few months were as bad as it would get and I was coping quite well at that time. The last month or so I have cried every day and I am barely getting by each day.

Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby.
It has been 6 months

How are you feeling.
As above I am not feeling good but I am at a point now where I know I need help to find a way through this. Finally today I contacted SIDS and Kids. They were lovely. I will have a consellor come to my home and support me.

How do you hope you will feel in the future.
I really want to find a way to live in this world without Lola. I dont want to just be surviving, I want to live. I want to be the best mother I can be, the best friend I can be, the best daughter, aunty, grand daughter, sister-in-law. It has been all about me the last few months.

Have you found any peace at all?
Not yet, I really want to though and hope it isn't too far away.

Secret Garden

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

From Brendon's point of view

Kristalee has been asking me for a while now to write a "guest post" for her blog, so here goes.

Let me start by saying a big thank you to everyone for your support and words over the last 6 months. The passing of our beautiful little girl Lola has been the hardest thing we both have ever had to deal with, and with out the support we've had, i don't know where we'd be.

There hasn't been a day go by that I haven't thought about my little girl. There has been a day go by where I haven't cried. Each day seems to get tougher, then things get good, and go down again. I try to occupy myself with making/doing things since this all happened, and have managed to convince Kristalee to let me try to build things, and seeing as I have absolutely no experience, she's been very brave!

If any positive has come out of the passing of my little angel, it's the strength we've gained as a couple, and as a family, to support each other, and have a greater understanding of patience for each other, and this goes full circle with all 4 of us. I've noticed a big change in Jackson and Millie, and the way that we now show so much love and affection to each other, we always did before, but now more so, I just wish we didn't have to go through this!

I can remember when Kristalee told me she was pregnant with Lola. I was immediately happy, although it wasn't a planned pregnancy, I couldn't help but be happy! I was also nervous though after what happened after Millie's birth, but knew that Kristalee would be monitored closely, so wasn't too concerned. As the pregnancy progressed I took things for granted, I didn't go to every appointment or monitoring like I did with Jackson and Millie, something I now deeply regret, as I thought "I've heard the heartbeat, soon I'll be seeing her, it's all good!" I wish I was there for everyone, as I now know, that they were the only chances I was to have to hear my little angels heart beat.

I still remember vividly being in the hospital when we found out her heart had stopped beating, I was trying so hard to be strong for Kristalee to hold her up and be support, but I was completely breaking apart. I can still remember the Dr doing the ultrasound and moving around, and seeing my little angels body, but not the pulsing of her heart anymore. I knew straight away she was gone, in a way, I knew before we walked in to that room, but I felt I had to stay strong. I have never felt so weak in my life as the moment when the doctor told us there wasn't a heartbeat. I was shocked, I couldn't work it out, we were 41 weeks into the pregnancy, this can't happen, I should be holding her.

As time has gone on the numbness has worn off and the real grief has set in, which has caused me to lose focus on so many things, but also appreciate and cherish the important ones.

Over the time since then I've gone through all the stages of grief. I sincerely apologise to all of my family and friends for not being in touch, or returning phone calls, or being me. Since this time I have noticed a large part of me has gone, I feel like I have somehow lost my social skills, and I'm sorry if I seem strange, I'm still me, please bear with me.

I also apologise to my colleagues. Since this happened, I have quite possibly been one of the worst workers going around. Anything I do is done poorly, and I've had no dedication and focus, and generally when I do, I start thinking about her, and I have to walk off and have some quiet time, to think, reflect and cry, so productivity is poor!

This last month or so has been really hard. My brother and his wife have had a beautiful little girl, and I'm so happy for them, but at the same time, I'm saddened because I don't have mine. I held her for the first time on Sunday at my mum's birthday. I was extremely apprehensive about the day, and avoided looking at her as long as I could, because I knew I would cry as soon as I did. When people started to arrive, I took her for a cuddle in another room, and cried. I appreciated it so much when my brothers wife came in and gave me a hug and told me it was okay!

The last week has been tough, as tomorrow, November 5th at 11.56 AM, Lola would have been exactly 6 months old, there's so many thoughts I have about development of where she'd be at, and what she'd be doing, and I can't stop thinking about it.

All we really ask of everyone, and I don't mean to sound morbid,is whoever you have in your life, cherish them and love them, and tell them, because before you know it, it can be taken away

Please continue to be patient like you all have been, it means the world to us, and we'll come back to being ourselves again

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

What's up buttercup?

Making: Christmas decorations with Lola embroidered on them for the grandparents.

Made: Pretty dress for my neice and birthday cakes galore

Attempting: Fabric Dollhouses

Random act of kindness: Cupcakes for my husbands workmates and a couple of other secret ones

Thinking: Of Lola on the 6 month anniversary of her death

Wishing: My Mother-in-law and my neice a happy birthday

Hoping: to find a way to make peace with Lola's death

Dreaming: of our summer holiday by the beach

Questioning: the meaning of all this. What is the point when our lives can be taken away so easily? I mean life is good and all but it is gone in the blink of an eye

Watching: Up

Recently discovered: Kikki k (I know I am slow on this one but OMG so many cute present ideas) and Provincial, I want the whole shop as my house!

Appreciating: my family and some super special friends

Looking forward: to our first crafternoon

Inspired by: Pip Lincolne and Sheye Rosemeyer

Wishing: For happiness not tinged with sadness and guilt

Waiting: for an email from a clairvoyant. (I am driving myself crazy checking my email every other mintue)

Realising: I need help to work through the darkness

Wanting: all those in my life to smile and love and laugh and appreciate and I want to be a better person

Playing: Hooky on thursday from work because it is the 6 month anniversary of Lola being born still. We are going to the chapel where her funeral was held for some peace and perspective

Loving: unleashing my creativity

Not loving: negativity and nastiness

Thanking: those people brave enough to witness my pain for a moment in their day. Your generosity in putting yourself in my shoes for just a moment is AMAZING