Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The hard thing

...about grief

nearly 11 months down the track I am still gut wrenchingly devastated.

Compounded by the stomach turning fear and anxiety I feel every day because I am pregnant again and I am finding it so hard to imagine that this pregnancy might end with a baby breathing in my arms.

Embittered by the fact that I am bleeding on and off. Something that has never happened in pregnancy for me before except two days before Lola died.

Made worse by the thought that I should by planning a 1st birthday party. Instead I am trying to think of a way to keep Lola's memory alive and wondering if our loved ones will be offended by a gathering at one year anyway.

Exacerbated by the expectations of others that we will be ok because they no longer know what to say or feel uncomfortable sitting with our pain.

It's where I'm at, noone said this journey would be pretty.

Monday, March 29, 2010

A Chance Meeting or A Beautiful Connection

One day the idea of contacting a psychic jumped into my head and in a desperately dark moment I searched for one online who would do a reading by email. I found one and contacted her. She got right back to me and I paid for the reading right away, she said it would take a couple of days. It took three weeks, numerous emails from me and excuses from her and finally after I sent a grouchy email saying I felt like I had been taken for a ride, the reading came through. It had such bad feelings about it that Bren and I read it once, felt nothing and moved on.

The VERY next day I woke up to find an email from a psychic in my inbox. She had read on my blog that I was waiting for an email from a psychic and she wondered if she could help me. After spending the day emailing and building a friendship, she offered to do a reading for me.

The VERY next day I had the reading and it was SUPERB. It struck me right in my heart, I felt like I was talking with Lola. It was so intimate and detailed and beautiful, I recall it as a dream of pictures now when I think back to it, it was so much more than words on a screen.

Our meeting was more than chance, someone brought us together at exactly the right moment. ♥

Sunday, March 28, 2010

from baby to boy

By day
his arms will hug reluctantly
cute must not be used to describe him
he is no longer my baby boy
he is big now

With the cloak of darkness
his arms cling tightly
his head rests on my shoulder
he nestles in as close as possible
he is lulled to sleep by his mumma's closeness
he is my baby once more

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


I dont have enough sunshine in my life, according to my pregnancy blood tests. Seriously that actually came up in my blood, I am vitamin D deficient.
How does a beach lovin, try hard surfin mama with roots in Western Australia, at the END of summer find herself deficient of sunshine? Could there be a more perfect analogy to describe my life over the past 11months?

It is ok though, you can get sunshine in a pill, that you take once a day!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Some days

Some days the strength of my missing takes my breath away. Often on the days that should be the happy days, like today. I should be happy today but I find myself sitting with a feeling of emptiness in my heart.
Last night before sleeping I felt flutters in my belly. It was just like there was a baby in my belly. I couldn't possibly have been feeling what I thought I was feeling yet it felt exactly like that. I thought of Lola. I felt Lola moving in my belly always as I drifted off to sleep at night.
I miss you, tiny girl.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


yep, I am taking one. I have been hit with the lazy stick. Even writing this post I can barely lift my fingers up high enough to type.
It is nearly the end of term 1 and I am so ready for holidays, I bloody deserve them too, I have been working hard, hard, hard. (teaching and baking a baby)
Speaking of our fourth babe, we saw the precious little jellybean yesterday and all appears to be well.
I'll be back soon xxx

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

So tell me...

if you had $50 to spend at Funky Fabrix what would you buy?
Because I do and I cant decide!! help me!!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

32 and ...

In just over a week I will be 32.

For my 30th two years ago I had a nearly three week old baby who was permanently attached to my breast. It was a very low key event. It was lovely but I decided my 31st birthday would involve a lot more Champagne to make up for the lack of it at my 30th birthday.

For my 31st birthday I was 7 months pregnant. I had not imagined that would be the case 12 months earlier but we were excited that that is how it turned out. My birthday card read
Dear Mummy
Thankyou for letting us draw and play. We love you. Daddy said to say that he promises you wont be pregnant for your birthday next year so you can drink Champagne.
Love from Jackson, Millie and Lola

That card cemented the baby in my bellies name as Lola! I started planning my 32nd birthday party in my head. I thought a Champagne fountain might be nice!

BUT I guess sometimes it is great to break a promise!


Disclaimer: I most certainly do love all of my children much more than Champagne! (Just in case you were wondering)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

My boy...

Jackson has been mentioning Lola a lot lately. He has been asking questions about her and telling Millie about her. The other day he pulled her photo down from his bookshelf and put it on his bedside table "so everyone can look at her easily".

I asked him yesterday if he has been thinking about her a lot lately. He turned to me, looked deep in my eyes and with a very solemn face said simply "every day".

I was stunned by the conviction in his voice and my heart immediately melted. He is a lovely soul, my boy.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The season of

My absolute favourite time of the year in Melbourne is Autumn. This city really turns on the amazing weather at this time of the year. We have many beautifully sunny days without the stifling heat. The kind of days where you get warmed up by sitting directly in the sun but as soon as you go in the shade you need a cardi, my idea of perfection.
This year Autumn reminds me of Lola, and probably for many years to come. I am ok with that, i am ok with the idea of my favourite time of the year reminding me of my daughter, the one that I can not reach out and hold. Instead I will look at the amazing colours of the leaves and think of her, I will feel the sun warming up my skin and think of her and as I reach for my cardi when there is a chill in the air, i will think of my sweet, little lola.

Image found here