Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The hard thing

...about grief

nearly 11 months down the track I am still gut wrenchingly devastated.

Compounded by the stomach turning fear and anxiety I feel every day because I am pregnant again and I am finding it so hard to imagine that this pregnancy might end with a baby breathing in my arms.

Embittered by the fact that I am bleeding on and off. Something that has never happened in pregnancy for me before except two days before Lola died.

Made worse by the thought that I should by planning a 1st birthday party. Instead I am trying to think of a way to keep Lola's memory alive and wondering if our loved ones will be offended by a gathering at one year anyway.

Exacerbated by the expectations of others that we will be ok because they no longer know what to say or feel uncomfortable sitting with our pain.

It's where I'm at, noone said this journey would be pretty.

11 comments:

Spilt Milk said...

Usually the best I can offer anyone is words but I have no words for this. *sending telepathic hugs*

E. said...

All I can say is thinking of you.

melissa said...

I can't say anymore than above.

Malory said...

I am also feeling overwhelmed by the one year mark that is approaching too quickly. Some days it is almost to much for me to handle. I hope you find a special way to honor her life for her anniversary.

KHJaT said...

I think a gathering to remember Lola on her 1st birthday is a lovely idea. I know you have a lot of friends that will be thinking of Lola already, so why not spend the time with family and friends that will support you and remember your beautiful girl together.

Please try not to think too much about other people and if they are uncomfortable or not. Most of us have never been through the pain that you are still going through. You do what YOU need to do to get through this time, NOT what you think other people want you to do.

I hope your bleeding settles down again. Give your belly a rub from me. xoxo

Maggie said...

(((HUGS)))

megs said...

Thinking of you. Lots of love and hugs from me.xxoo

Anna said...

Thinking of you too xx I have given you an award too.

Jenn said...

{{{{HUGS}}}}

You're an amazing woman, your journey is your own and there's no such thing as getting over it. You're working through it, in your own way, in your own time. 11 months is a short space of time and you're so right, you should be planning a 1st birthday party. It's not right and it's not fair.

I say celebrate your gorgeous, much loved girl. I have been thinking about Lola and her birthday lately. If anybody is offended, well they're offended and that's their problem. Lola is your daughter and her memory should stay strong and bright.

xoxoxox

Jericho said...

I won't tell you to be strong, because you've been told that you are a million times before. I won't tell you that I know how you feel, because even though I've endured similar, its your loss and your feelings. All I can tell you is that there are a lot of us out here rooting for you, praying that everything turns out right and you don't get your heart broken again. *hug* And you go ahead and celebrate Lola and her precious memory!

searching said...

I think you worry too much about how others are feeling. Don't. Celebrate your beautiful little Lola, and do whatever you feel you need to do. Always here for you guys, much love, K x x x