Tuesday, August 31, 2010

On Being Brave...

I'm not brave for sharing our story, I do it because it helps me. My motives are purely selfish. A couple of weeks ago when I was asked to share my story over at Kidspot I jumped at the chance. Many people have commented that they think I am brave or strong for being able to share which has had me thinking about what I am getting from it. It is hard to pinpoint how it helps me but I think part of it is that I feel validated in how we feel about losing our baby by the way others respond. It also keeps her memory alive for me, it gives me an opportunity to say her name.

I am not strong or brave, I'm really not, I am just finding my own way to cope the same as you would, because I have to, because I love Jackson and Millie and my husband as much as I love Lola and for them to be ok they need me to be here.

I have a memory of Brendon and I driving down the Eastern freeway one day long before we lost Lola and hearing about a family whose newborn baby had died. I remember thinking and feeling that if that happened to me I'd have to die, I wouldn't be able to cope with that pain and I said as much to Brendon.

To be completely honest and frank I have spent a lot of time thinking about dying in the last 16 months, some days the words "I just want to die" have been on repeat in my head for the entire day. At the same time the thing that has stopped those thoughts from going any further is my family. I think that rather than being strong or brave, I am lucky and blessed that I have a number of reasons to keep on keeping on.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

free falling

this last stage feels exactly like that. I am hurtling towards the ground at unbelievable speeds, I am out of control. It feels like she could be taken away in the blink of an eye, though the doctors assure me that is not the case. I hope with all my heart that they are right.
I spent the entire day yesterday feeling breathless and a bit panicked as I ran around the house preparing to bring a new born HOME. Something clicked in me when I woke yesterday morning and it finally felt like I could do it, so i did, really quickly and all at once. I THINK it was the right thing to do, even though every day prior to yesterday I didn't think so. It's done now, the kids are excited at the prospect and the preparing and we are ready.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Here I am

28 weeks pregnant today.
While many women are fairly relaxed about their pregnancy at this stage (you know because they are out of the 'danger' period), my anxiety is increasing every day. It is really hard to concentrate on anything other than whether my baby is moving or not and whether she is growing as she should be, or not. I always knew that my fourth pregnancy (from the time we started to consider a fourth) was going to become increasingly difficult.

I know that I can not live through the loss of another baby, I just can't.

However, the care I am receiving is second to known. I have utmost trust in the doctors looking after me. They are leaving no stone unturned and nothing to chance. I am having fortnightly check-ups and scans to track my babies growth as that will be how we can tell if things are not right and while we want the baby to stay where she is for the time being, any indication that her growth is slowing, then I'll be induced.

Despite the excellent care, I am feeling like the weight of responsibility to keep my baby alive rests with me. It is up to me to monitor her movements, it is up to me to decide if we need to go in for monitoring, it is up to me to know if things are not right. If things go wrong, well, it is my body that has failed our baby, it is me that will have let everybody down, again.

I am living in hope of the day that our story comes full circle and we announce the safe arrival of an extra special and amazing new member of our family!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Lady Luck

I would like to have a serious chat to Lady Luck if only I could find her. Things have really not been going our way of late and I would very seriously like to change that.

I wonder what it is that influences things that seem as though they are out of your control. Is it attitude, voodoo, witchcraft, fate?

I can't change the fact that Brendon's brother died, or that our car broke and has landed us in financial hot water, or that I keep having scary bleeds, or that my Dad had a heart scare. BUT I want to turn things around from here on in. I want good news phone calls. Only. Please. Does anybody know to whom I should address this request?

A Complete Family

I am wishing hard and pinning all my hopes on the safe arrival of our new baby making all the difference to our family. I have had it in my mind that things will get better, easier, when our new little bundle arrives. I have been told by those that have walked this path before that that may very well be the case.

BUT sometimes I get confused, and forget how many babies I have had or have or will have or should have. That is a little strange right? At yet another emergency room visit last week the nurse asked me what number pregnancy this was. I answered four. Correct! She then asked me how many children I had. I answered three. Wrong! Brendon corrected me and I turned crimson with embarrassment. When I think of my family being complete when our baby arrives it just doesn't sit right. There will be three children but now it feels like there should be four. I will have been pregnant four times and I should have four children but one is missing, one is gone. This baby can't, wont and shouldn't fill that void, there will always be one missing, Lola will always be missing.

Eavesdropping can be fun!

Millie is in between needing an afternoon nap and not needing one (waaaaa). Some days I REALLY need her to have a sleep and so regardless of the signs she is giving me I put her in the cot. Today she didn't need one but I really did so in she went and I turned the monitor on so I could hear her and crossed my fingers that maybe she might just sleep.

Ummm no such luck!

I did however get to eavesdrop on her for a good 45 minutes and learnt a few things about my little munchkin like...

she can count to 10!

the swearing problem I thought we had under control? I was wrong! It seems my daughter has learnt not to drop the 'f bomb' around mummy and daddy (and presumably, other adults) but leave her alone in her bedroom and she will let loose! What can i do? It can be quite therapeautic to swear over and over when nobody is listening!

Butter wouldn't melt eh!