I am wishing hard and pinning all my hopes on the safe arrival of our new baby making all the difference to our family. I have had it in my mind that things will get better, easier, when our new little bundle arrives. I have been told by those that have walked this path before that that may very well be the case.
BUT sometimes I get confused, and forget how many babies I have had or have or will have or should have. That is a little strange right? At yet another emergency room visit last week the nurse asked me what number pregnancy this was. I answered four. Correct! She then asked me how many children I had. I answered three. Wrong! Brendon corrected me and I turned crimson with embarrassment. When I think of my family being complete when our baby arrives it just doesn't sit right. There will be three children but now it feels like there should be four. I will have been pregnant four times and I should have four children but one is missing, one is gone. This baby can't, wont and shouldn't fill that void, there will always be one missing, Lola will always be missing.