Tuesday, August 31, 2010

On Being Brave...

I'm not brave for sharing our story, I do it because it helps me. My motives are purely selfish. A couple of weeks ago when I was asked to share my story over at Kidspot I jumped at the chance. Many people have commented that they think I am brave or strong for being able to share which has had me thinking about what I am getting from it. It is hard to pinpoint how it helps me but I think part of it is that I feel validated in how we feel about losing our baby by the way others respond. It also keeps her memory alive for me, it gives me an opportunity to say her name.

I am not strong or brave, I'm really not, I am just finding my own way to cope the same as you would, because I have to, because I love Jackson and Millie and my husband as much as I love Lola and for them to be ok they need me to be here.

I have a memory of Brendon and I driving down the Eastern freeway one day long before we lost Lola and hearing about a family whose newborn baby had died. I remember thinking and feeling that if that happened to me I'd have to die, I wouldn't be able to cope with that pain and I said as much to Brendon.

To be completely honest and frank I have spent a lot of time thinking about dying in the last 16 months, some days the words "I just want to die" have been on repeat in my head for the entire day. At the same time the thing that has stopped those thoughts from going any further is my family. I think that rather than being strong or brave, I am lucky and blessed that I have a number of reasons to keep on keeping on.

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