Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Here I am

28 weeks pregnant today.
While many women are fairly relaxed about their pregnancy at this stage (you know because they are out of the 'danger' period), my anxiety is increasing every day. It is really hard to concentrate on anything other than whether my baby is moving or not and whether she is growing as she should be, or not. I always knew that my fourth pregnancy (from the time we started to consider a fourth) was going to become increasingly difficult.

I know that I can not live through the loss of another baby, I just can't.

However, the care I am receiving is second to known. I have utmost trust in the doctors looking after me. They are leaving no stone unturned and nothing to chance. I am having fortnightly check-ups and scans to track my babies growth as that will be how we can tell if things are not right and while we want the baby to stay where she is for the time being, any indication that her growth is slowing, then I'll be induced.

Despite the excellent care, I am feeling like the weight of responsibility to keep my baby alive rests with me. It is up to me to monitor her movements, it is up to me to decide if we need to go in for monitoring, it is up to me to know if things are not right. If things go wrong, well, it is my body that has failed our baby, it is me that will have let everybody down, again.

I am living in hope of the day that our story comes full circle and we announce the safe arrival of an extra special and amazing new member of our family!


Anonymous said...

I just read through your blog. Well not quite all of it, but much of it (I had to give up as my little miss is getting impatient with me). You have a beautiful family! As much as I found your losing Lola to be heartbreaking, and as much as I cried for you there was an overwhelming message in what you wrote. We take for granted that the pregnancy will go smoothly and that we'll bring out babyhome and watch them grow. And sometimes we forget just how precious they are and lucky we are to have them input lives. Stories like yours are the best reminder to never take your loved ones for granted.
I think you're very brave.
Ps. I read your story on kidspot. I'm glad Chantelle posted it for us to read.

Chantelle {fat mum slim} said...

I think of you all the time, and I can only imagine the weight on your shoulders through this pregnancy.

I wish there was some magical way for you to relax, and know that everything will be okay. I wish I could tell you and you'd believe me.

I hope the bubba gives you lots of big kicks every day just to keep your mind at ease.

Lots of love being sent your way. xx

kittykitty said...

I just read through your story on KidSpot too, and I just wanted to send a little message to thank you for sharing such a heartbreaking experience, and wish you and your family love and peace for a happy life together xx

E. said...

Couldn't read that post wihtout responding.

It is so good to know that you are being very closely monitored.

I think a lot of people out here in cyber land are waiting for your beautiful new baby to be born safely. I know I am.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story.

Looking forward to the announcement of your little one's safe arrival.

Lola was too good for this earth, and she will remind everyone who reads her story how important it is not to take your loved ones for granted as you never know what is around the next corner.

Georgina said...

My thoughts, prayers and best wishes are with you and your family, all the very best for the rest of your pregnancy, Georgina xxx

Carly {Creator of We Heart Life} said...

I lost your blog when I moved.

Congratulations on your new pregnancy and my thoughts are with you along the way xx

I will definitely be back to read up.

Carly xx

Claire Chadwick @ Scissors Paper Rock said...

Hi Lovely,
This is the first time I have read your blog. I found it via Kidspot tonight.
Firstly, I am so deeply sorry for your loss! My heart literally broke as I read your story about gorgeous little Lola. I have had a big cry tonight...for you, your family, for all the parents out there who are hurting...for me! I don't understand this crazy world we live in & struggle to find reason in some things that happen!! But I am also fairly good at 'bouncing back' and seeing the rainbow after the storm!
I recently lost a pregnancy {just 2 weeks ago}. However it was in the first trimester...we discovered it was an ectopic pregnancy! I had surgery & had to loose my left tube!
I know it's a completley different story to yours & a different type of loss...but I am hoping you take some little comfort in knowing you are not alone in the painful world of loss!
As I read this post...I was excited for you.... to see that you are pregnant again....and I can only imagine the fear, anxiety & pressure you have on you now! But please stay positive :) I can't wait to read on here in a few months about the safe, healthy arrival of your newest family member!
Claire xo

Melissa@Suger Coat It said...

I wish there was a way to carry some of that burden for you.

Ainsley said...

Tears stream down my face as I read of your little girl. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss and let it be said what an amazing woman you are. Grief is such a personal thing and only you know how to deal with this in a way that is best for you and your family. My thoughts are with you especially through your pregnancy, as overwhelming as it must be. Please do not consider yourself or your body a failure, you did not let anybody down, in fact the way you appear to have handled things since Lola's passing is a true reflection of your character.

Melissa said...

I know how you feel honey. It's tough, and every single little thing is a worry.
'did I feel bub move today?', 'what is that twinge?', 'have I felt that before?'.
It's all there, and I don't really think it's going to go away until we have these precious little bundles in our arms. Safe. Healthy. Breathing. Right where they should be.
I think the best we can do at the moment (even though it's so, so, SO hard at times, is to try to remain positive.
We WILL have a baby at the end of this. We WILL get thru this and see the other side.
thinking of you gorgeous..
much love and strength to you.
Melissa xxxxx

Anonymous said...

Words seem nothing but through tears I can relate from your extended families position. Our first child was due days within my sister in law's third child and it was such an exciting time. My sister in law however went into labour early and her beautiful daughter had complications and was rushed to specialist hospital immediately. Tragically she passed at day 2. I can't explain how I felt still to this day - more survivor guilt than fear and when we did have complications with the birth I was scared. Our son was born healthy and our 'twin cousins' celebrate their 8th birthday next month. My children know of and still talk of their angel cousin constantly and she is never forgotten. My sister in law had two beautiful sons and was so courageous to have a forth pregnancy and welcomed a second daughter safely, but the pregnancy was not the same as the first three, it could never be the same. I still cannot imagine how I would have coped if roles were reversed - she is inspirational as you are too. Many thoughts to you and other mothers who travel your road, thank goodness for your honesty- we all need it to remind ourselves how precious our family is.

I have added my comments as anonymous as while I can share my story I would not like to share my sister in law's without her permission with my name please.

Anna said...

Thinking of you. I pray that everything goes smoothly for you xoxox