Wednesday, November 4, 2009

From Brendon's point of view

Kristalee has been asking me for a while now to write a "guest post" for her blog, so here goes.

Let me start by saying a big thank you to everyone for your support and words over the last 6 months. The passing of our beautiful little girl Lola has been the hardest thing we both have ever had to deal with, and with out the support we've had, i don't know where we'd be.

There hasn't been a day go by that I haven't thought about my little girl. There has been a day go by where I haven't cried. Each day seems to get tougher, then things get good, and go down again. I try to occupy myself with making/doing things since this all happened, and have managed to convince Kristalee to let me try to build things, and seeing as I have absolutely no experience, she's been very brave!

If any positive has come out of the passing of my little angel, it's the strength we've gained as a couple, and as a family, to support each other, and have a greater understanding of patience for each other, and this goes full circle with all 4 of us. I've noticed a big change in Jackson and Millie, and the way that we now show so much love and affection to each other, we always did before, but now more so, I just wish we didn't have to go through this!

I can remember when Kristalee told me she was pregnant with Lola. I was immediately happy, although it wasn't a planned pregnancy, I couldn't help but be happy! I was also nervous though after what happened after Millie's birth, but knew that Kristalee would be monitored closely, so wasn't too concerned. As the pregnancy progressed I took things for granted, I didn't go to every appointment or monitoring like I did with Jackson and Millie, something I now deeply regret, as I thought "I've heard the heartbeat, soon I'll be seeing her, it's all good!" I wish I was there for everyone, as I now know, that they were the only chances I was to have to hear my little angels heart beat.

I still remember vividly being in the hospital when we found out her heart had stopped beating, I was trying so hard to be strong for Kristalee to hold her up and be support, but I was completely breaking apart. I can still remember the Dr doing the ultrasound and moving around, and seeing my little angels body, but not the pulsing of her heart anymore. I knew straight away she was gone, in a way, I knew before we walked in to that room, but I felt I had to stay strong. I have never felt so weak in my life as the moment when the doctor told us there wasn't a heartbeat. I was shocked, I couldn't work it out, we were 41 weeks into the pregnancy, this can't happen, I should be holding her.

As time has gone on the numbness has worn off and the real grief has set in, which has caused me to lose focus on so many things, but also appreciate and cherish the important ones.

Over the time since then I've gone through all the stages of grief. I sincerely apologise to all of my family and friends for not being in touch, or returning phone calls, or being me. Since this time I have noticed a large part of me has gone, I feel like I have somehow lost my social skills, and I'm sorry if I seem strange, I'm still me, please bear with me.

I also apologise to my colleagues. Since this happened, I have quite possibly been one of the worst workers going around. Anything I do is done poorly, and I've had no dedication and focus, and generally when I do, I start thinking about her, and I have to walk off and have some quiet time, to think, reflect and cry, so productivity is poor!

This last month or so has been really hard. My brother and his wife have had a beautiful little girl, and I'm so happy for them, but at the same time, I'm saddened because I don't have mine. I held her for the first time on Sunday at my mum's birthday. I was extremely apprehensive about the day, and avoided looking at her as long as I could, because I knew I would cry as soon as I did. When people started to arrive, I took her for a cuddle in another room, and cried. I appreciated it so much when my brothers wife came in and gave me a hug and told me it was okay!

The last week has been tough, as tomorrow, November 5th at 11.56 AM, Lola would have been exactly 6 months old, there's so many thoughts I have about development of where she'd be at, and what she'd be doing, and I can't stop thinking about it.

All we really ask of everyone, and I don't mean to sound morbid,is whoever you have in your life, cherish them and love them, and tell them, because before you know it, it can be taken away

Please continue to be patient like you all have been, it means the world to us, and we'll come back to being ourselves again


mand said...

It's still early days, in a way. I am heartened that you (all) can see the beautiful in among the awful. That doesn't make the awful smaller, i know. People are SO with you - and that doesn't either. But remember anyway.

Thanks for writing this.

Melissa said...

I think of you all constantly. Thank you for writing your thoughts. I will light a candle for sweet Lola today..


Jenn said...

Thank you for sharing your story Bren xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

I've just forwarded your post to my DH. Thank you for telling your story.

Snickerdoodle said...

Thank you Bren for sharing your story. I have never met you or Kristalee but appreciate the way raw honesty shines through every post.

This won't get better for a while. In fact it will never be 'better', but one day you will wake up and know that it's all going to be ok. Love and cherish Jackson and Millie and know that Lola is watching over you all.

God Bless!

Anonymous said...

I really dont have much to say that will comfort you or your family. But I do want to sat what an amazing post, so raw, real and emontional.
I will hug my son extra tight today.
Take Care

mand said...

Elaborating on what Snickerdoodle said:
In fact it will never be 'better',

I found that's true, it doesn't get better and i was never the same again. BUT it does get different. I likened it to amputation, as opposed to other kind of serious injury. It doesn't grow back and you never walk as you used to - but you learn to walk again, and 99% of what worked before will work again.

More {hugz}.

Chantelle {fat mum slim} said...

I am so sorry. Your pain is so raw, and this post is so beautifully honest. I know it must have been hard to put into words how you feel. I appreciate it.

I have Lola in my heart, and have from the moment I heard that she became an angel. Having Lola in my heart means that I don't take a moment with my daughter for granted. I show my love.

Thank you for Lola's gift. xx

Joni said...

Thanks for such a beautiful post Brendon. You guys are so brave. What can I say?


Gavin Blue said...

Hi Brendon,
My heart goes out to you and thankyou for the courage to share your thoughts.
I will cherish and love those around me and ket them know.
Gavin Blue