I really wanted to start the year on a positive note. I tried, but I can't fake it. We arrived home from our holiday today. We had good times but it wasn't what I thought it would be.
I have vivid memories of my pregnancy with Lola from this time last year until she was born and they are stirred up every single day. It is wearing me down. I am caught between wanting to change things, be positive, be happy, be thankful but also feel as though being those things will be a betrayal of my devastaion of Lola's loss.
I read today that a grieving parent can be quite narcissistic. I think I fit the bill. I am pretty consumed by my own 'stuff' and get annoyed when others put their own issues on my already massive pile of issues to deal with. I have even deleted people from facebook when I have been faced with their pregnancy and newborn baby daily, a seriously selfish act.
I am going to go to sleep tonight saying over and over again 'happy thoughts, happy thoughts' and hopefully that will create a happy post for tomorrow! It is possible too because i will be sleeping in our MASSIVE king size Sealy posture pedic bed tonight after a couple of weeks in various beds that were not MY AMAZING bed. Have I told you how wonderful our bed is? Seriously it is soo good for the first six months we had it I fell in love with it again every night that I layed me head down in it!
*Disclaimer* All of what I have written above are normal feelings for a mother whose baby died. I am coping as well as anybody who has been through this. These are words I have written on a blog about Lola, words that consume a part of my head and heart but not what I live every moment of every day. I am still able to function in a normal way. (Can you tell I am sick of people talking behind my back and saying 'she's not coping!')