Monday, January 11, 2010


I really wanted to start the year on a positive note. I tried, but I can't fake it. We arrived home from our holiday today. We had good times but it wasn't what I thought it would be.
I have vivid memories of my pregnancy with Lola from this time last year until she was born and they are stirred up every single day. It is wearing me down. I am caught between wanting to change things, be positive, be happy, be thankful but also feel as though being those things will be a betrayal of my devastaion of Lola's loss.
I read today that a grieving parent can be quite narcissistic. I think I fit the bill. I am pretty consumed by my own 'stuff' and get annoyed when others put their own issues on my already massive pile of issues to deal with. I have even deleted people from facebook when I have been faced with their pregnancy and newborn baby daily, a seriously selfish act.

I am going to go to sleep tonight saying over and over again 'happy thoughts, happy thoughts' and hopefully that will create a happy post for tomorrow! It is possible too because i will be sleeping in our MASSIVE king size Sealy posture pedic bed tonight after a couple of weeks in various beds that were not MY AMAZING bed. Have I told you how wonderful our bed is? Seriously it is soo good for the first six months we had it I fell in love with it again every night that I layed me head down in it!

*Disclaimer* All of what I have written above are normal feelings for a mother whose baby died. I am coping as well as anybody who has been through this. These are words I have written on a blog about Lola, words that consume a part of my head and heart but not what I live every moment of every day. I am still able to function in a normal way. (Can you tell I am sick of people talking behind my back and saying 'she's not coping!')


Malory said...

I too get very overwhelmed & put off when people ask me for things. I am not a mean uncaring person. I used to enjoy helping & giving. Now I just feel so overwhelmed all the time that one more thing on my plate I feel I could lose it. It won't be this way forever & those who matter in our lives will understand. I am sorry you have people expecting you to act a certain way or to "cope" better. If they for a moment walked in our shoes their tune would change.

ForeverElliot'sMommy said...

I am sorry that you feel like you have to use a disclaimer...People who don't understand or have never been in our shoes have NO RIGHT to judge us. And I am sorry there are people in your life like that! Please know, I feel much of what you have stated. Hell, I didn't even go see my BF since grade school when she came in from Thanksgiving because I just couldn't. She fortunately understood. I didn't decorate for Christmas, and I didn't put much thought into the gifts I bought, I was to overwhelmed with everything else to even care...Know that all of us BLM's know that what you are feeling is normal and there is no need for you to write a disclaimer!
Much love,

Snickerdoodle said...

I have never walked in your shoes and hope I never have to, but from where I sit you appear to be dealing with it all as I would expect any grieving mother to. I too would be exactly where you are - stuck in a place of limbo... wanting to move on but feeling as though it would be a betrayal. You are in my thoughts

Mirne said...

How can people who have no understanding of what you have gone through and what you continue to go through possibly make a judgment as to whether you are coping? If deleting people from FB is you way of coping, then do it! I have deleted LOTS of people from my FB page because I didn't want to see or hear about their children. I've been blocked people's status updates because I don't want to read them. Everyone copes in a different way. It's not selfish. It's protecting yourself. You have something so huge and awful and horrific in your life, it's not selfish to not want anything else on top of that. And even if you feel like you're not coping, that's ok too.

Chantelle {fat mum slim} said...

I don't really know what to say. I think you should just feel however you want and need to feel, and not worry about what anyone else thinks.

Your bed sounds so soft and lovely. We only have a queen bed, and I long to get lost in a king. xx

mand said...

I think Blogger just ate my comment. Probably good, as it was quite fierce. You are *allowed* not to cope. It would be unnatural if you were 'coping' perfectly. I know you know this...

Not 'coping' doesn't mean you can't do your real, important jobs: being mother and wife. It's ok if you're not managing to do everything else, especially with a smile on your face all the time.

Narcissism (i looked it up) is 'An exceptional interest in and admiration for yourself'. Narcissistic' means 'having an inflated idea of your own importance'. That is absolutely NOT what's going on here. Being self-absorbed is not only allowed, it's right.

No one complains if an accident victim is self-absorbed while they concentrate on stopping the bleeding. No one wonders if it means the accident victim isn't functioning correctly.

I do know you know this. I'm always struck by how clear-sighted you are. Thank you for prompting me to put these thoughts into words. {hugz}

Anonymous said...

You take care of you, if that is being self absorbed, it's deserved and not a bad thing! Don't worry about other people, they make comments because they think they would do it different, but in actual fact, if they were faced with what you have been through, they wouldn't cope as well as they think you should be now. Your a strong Mumma, and you have wonderful things ahead of you, take your time getting there, and don't do it alone x x x

Kristalee said...

Aww thanks for all the support. This is why blogging is so amazing, it brings all these people together from all corners of the globe so they can support each other! I think that is why I AM coping, because of the support and validation I get through blogging!

Puggie said...

Just adding my 2 cents...

It would be cruel to expect you and yours to deal with things in any other way than how you are.

You don't need anyone's permission to cry, fall apart, pull it together on some days and not on others or to find some things too much. You're allowed to laugh, scream, giggle, ignore, naval gaze, celebrate, commiserate etc. if that's what it takes to get you through. It's really no-one else's business.

Glad your bed is bringing you some solace... I am ready to take mine to the tip ;)

Lover of Little Things said...

Welcome home Darlin! I've missed you....and your blogging!

I'm sorry that you're still not getting the understanding you deserve and need....BASTARDS! But i'm so glad to see all this amazing support via your blog. It sounds like these ladies really know what their talking about and i reckon they're the ones to be listening to, not the people who have no balls to face you or try to understand you.

Please keep writing whatever the hell you need's clearly good for you and everybody reading.

Soon soon ey.

Davina said...

Hey beautiful, so glad you got to go away this years memories will be better sweet but they are still memories for next years trip and every year after. Everyone is consumed by their own 'stuff' no matter how much they like to admit it or not and not having the space to deal with other peoples 'stuff' is totally valid with all that you went through last year. (Gees that does sound tough doesn't it... last year?)

Totally get you on your bed, LOVE mine too. So sad that going away can't live up to our bedding standards!!

Davina said...

you know I meant .... bItter don't you?? Just read between my lines!! LOL xx

Jenn said...

Grief is all-consuming, so how could you be anything BUT consumed? No apologies or disclaimers necessary (as polite and considerate as you are!) and 'coping' is individual and in no way can be objectively judged (nor should it be). Life is difficult enough to balance at the best of times. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, keep doing whatever gets you through. xxx

Anonymous said...

I dont think it is a matter of coping or not coping. You are here, you are taking care of your babies and your husband, he takes care of you, you get out of bed etc etc. I think the important thing to note about your blog is that it is not a blog about Kristalee's life. It is a blog about Lola and your grief. I know there are many wonderful things in your life.....your blog is not about those wonderful things....although we are lucky enough to get to see them sometimes too! Your disclaimer made me realise these while it might suck that you had to put a disclaimer....I am really glad you did.

Melissa said...

I could have written some of this nearly word for word hun. I am constantly feeling like I can't be happy, that I can't laugh and do happy things, if I do I feel like I am forgetting my sweet boy and moving on and I don't want to. I am constantly trying to find ways to talk about him, have him acknowledged.
I too was wanting to start the year off positive. I am trying to believe that this is going to be a good year and that things are going to be great. Fact of the matter is, my mind keeps going back to not having Owen here and I hate it. How to be positive in life when your heart is broken and never to be repaired??
I have no idea.

and "pfft" to those who say your not coping, and "arghhhh" to those talking behind your back. They have no idea what this feels like. You just go on the way you are. We are here for you. I am here for you always xxxxx

mand said...

Art Durkee blogged about gratitudes, and grief, the day before yesterday ( and i've just seen he quotes these passages. I had to share them here, as they are so apposite to this post and comment thread.

There comes a time in the grief process when the person remaining must give herself permission to go on with life, just as she gave permission for the loved one to die and pass over. While going on alone is not easy, it gets easier over time. And though difficult especially at first, setting yourself free from grief is as much a blessing as setting the loved one free from her finished life. When you are alive there is nothing to be done but to go on living. Make it as easy and as gentle as possible for yourself to continue and go.
—Diane Stein, from On Grief and Dying: Understanding the soul's journey.

Don't be caught off guard by "griefbursts." Sometimes heightened periods of sadness overwhelm us when we're in grief. These times can seem to come out of nowhere and can be frightening and painful. Even long after the death, something as simple as a sound, a smell or a phrase can bring on a "griefburst." Allow yourself to experience griefbursts without shame or self-judgment, no matter where and when they occur. If you would feel more comfortable, retreat to somewhere private when these strong feelings surface.
—Alan D. Wolfelt, from Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 practical ideas.

I have another book, 'When a Baby Dies', produced by FSID, which i found very helpful – a difficult read and not one to undertake all in one go, but deeply comforting nonetheless.

Art says more about grief in that post, quoting one or two more books, and sharing quite a lot of stuff. These i thought were worth showing you and everyone.