Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Whispers in the wind

A family of four we were. We liked being a family of four, two girls and two boys. And then we dreamed one day of being a family of five. Oh yes, we shed tears of fear. Will Mama survive? Can we afford it? Where will we live? But we worked it out, actually it was easy. Everything just fell into place. It was meant to be.

But then it wasn't. Then our baby died. Our families heart broke. Right when we should have been bringing our baby girl home, we were attending her funeral. She never came home.
Our families heart broke.

That feeling of empty arms that I felt in the early weeks after Lola's death returns for a couple of days every month. I ache to hold our newborn baby, to breath in that heady, overwhelming smell of a newborn, to feel their cheek against mine and to look into their eyes. For the rest of the month I feel a consuming fear as to whether we should take that leap and try again. Or not.

A desperate need vs an overwhelming fear

My solution is to live in a fog for some of the time and not acknowledge any of this story or sometimes I throw caution to the wind. What will be, will be. Other times I live and breath this story and graffiti my life with it.


Chantelle {fat mum slim} said...

That is so beautifully written. Love you. xx

Anonymous said...

Your absolutely right Kris, what will be, will be. Thinking of you, Bren and the kidlets constantly x x x

Barbara said...

Beautiful post.


Tina said...

I totally get what you are saying. We too had the worries, we were going from a family of 4 to a family of 6 with one pregnancy...then it all ended, much too soon and I was left with a broken heart. I am so sorry that this is our reality, I wish it were different for all of us. xx