I am on the other side now of that invisible line. I think when your baby dies people give you a one year period of grace. By 'people' I mean those that you are close to, your family and friends. 'Odd' behaviour within a year is forgiven because 'oh yes, her baby died'.
I realised this a couple of weekends ago when a significant family member to me responded with 'so?' when I told them about the things I had found on the internet related to 'my medical issues'. That one word wounded me. They dont care anymore. They dont remember the baby, in their family, who died.
Someone else was counting the number of grandchildren in our family and they forgot Lola or at the very least decided she doesn't count. That wounded me too.
I feel sad at the moment, and really, really angry. I can't quite pinpoint why but I think it is partly because i am now on the other side of that line. I keep giving myself the pep talk about just getting on with it, be grateful, just be happy, it has been over 12 months now! I wish it was as simple as a pep talk to lift the weight off my shoulders and the black cloud out of my mind.
I want the old me back. The carefree, innocent, grateful and happy me.