Thursday, July 1, 2010

The line has been crossed

I am on the other side now of that invisible line. I think when your baby dies people give you a one year period of grace. By 'people' I mean those that you are close to, your family and friends. 'Odd' behaviour within a year is forgiven because 'oh yes, her baby died'.

I realised this a couple of weekends ago when a significant family member to me responded with 'so?' when I told them about the things I had found on the internet related to 'my medical issues'. That one word wounded me. They dont care anymore. They dont remember the baby, in their family, who died.

Someone else was counting the number of grandchildren in our family and they forgot Lola or at the very least decided she doesn't count. That wounded me too.

I feel sad at the moment, and really, really angry. I can't quite pinpoint why but I think it is partly because i am now on the other side of that line. I keep giving myself the pep talk about just getting on with it, be grateful, just be happy, it has been over 12 months now! I wish it was as simple as a pep talk to lift the weight off my shoulders and the black cloud out of my mind.

I want the old me back. The carefree, innocent, grateful and happy me.


Anonymous said...

Fuckin hell.
I haven't lost a child, but i still feel the heartache you must and will always feel.
I know most people are C$%ts and yet it still surprises me when something as massive as the loss of a person is not counted or mildly understood.
I don't get it, i don't get people, i don't get people who don't get it.
The old Kris IS in there, and, through the toughest heartache ever, you have morphed into a stronger, wiser and more wonderful woman...take that in Darlin...Lola has added to you and your family but she has also made you a better woman.


Jenni said...

i went through something very similar similar a few months back when i crossed the one year mark. it sucks. it just really, really, really sucks. i too tried the pep talks, and then gave up. my family was more subtle but the message was the same: ok, we are tired of dealing with this.

there is something so sacred about the first year after loss, and then you get dumped out on your ass and have to figure out a way to keep living. like, forever. i'm so sorry you are in the thick of that mess right now. it really is so difficult. xo

Jenn said...

*BIG hugs* I don't know how anybody could be so insensitive!

I hate it that there is a perceived line. How can anybody think these feelings would ever just leave you? Like one day you just 'get over' losing your daughter. Ridiculous.

You take your own time with this. Thinking of you xx

Annie said...

HI, I've just discovered your blog. I hope you don't mind me posting a comment to this entry.
We lost our baby girl in 2006. Nothing wrong during pregnancy. She was bigger than my other 2 and being a small woman, I did ask for a c-section, telling the doctor and mid-wife I was pretty sure I wouldn't have this one "naturally"-not that the other births were particularly natural. Posterior with so much pain and epidurals. But no, they believed because I had given birth twice before, all would be well. I asked a couple more times and was laughed at. I had a sense of foreboding, but pushed it deep down and called it nerves (I hate birthing, it's never been a positive experience, except for the beautiful baby after).
Labour was horrendous and I kept slipping in an out of consciousness because without my knowledge they had given me sleeping pills because they thought birth was sometime off and I was hysterical. But each time I contracted I woke because the pain was severe. Then contractions stopped so they helped them along even though I begged for a c. She wouldn't come down the birth canal as she was too big and was slipping back in. Then it all went to hell. My uterus ruptured and the placenta tore away from the wall They rushed me in to surgery but she'd been without o2 for too long. She was born alive (just) and they hooked her to life support. My husband and I knew she would have no quality of life even if she somehow survived so we chose to take her off life support and she died not long after.
That's my story. Her story, Abigail.
Even a yr after it, most friends and family forgot. My own mother doesn't even remember. I was "normal" around them because I learned early on that my family were not capable of dealing with anything else. So my lovely hubby and two beautiful kids and I celebrate her each year, when every one else has forgotten she even existed.