I thought I was without hope.
I thought I was protecting myself by expecting the worst.
That way I would not feel disappointment and anything better than the worst would be a bonus.
Leading up to our scan last week I prepared myself for there being no heartbeat on the screen. I pictured how that would look and I decided that is what I would expect. If there was a heartbeat and a healthy, growing baby then that would be a bonus. I kept up this thinking right up until the doctor called our name.
However, as I walked into the room I felt a tiny, irridescent bright light beaming from my belly. It was hope. As hard as I tried to not feel it, I did. I couldn't help but feel it. With hope came calm and light. It was a strange feeling, the way it just came over me in those moments. I realised, in that moment, that 'with hope' IS the way to live this difficult time.
This story made me feel hope too. I want that! Everything Angie describes in that post! (Well maybe leave the sore ass out of my story!)