Finding happiness in this journey of parenthood has been an ongoing battle. I'm not sure when that battle began, it wasn't from the first moments of parenthood but maybe a while after that.
I really don't understand why or how it became a battle for me. Being a mum was truly the. only. thing. I really knew I wanted in my life from a very early age. And in all honestly it is the best thing that I have ever done. It doesn't make sense then that I have struggled to find inner peace and happiness, but I have.
Last winter was a truly awful time for me. Depression and anxiety hit me hard.
I found a way out of that, slowly, one step at a time and I resolved to actively take steps to ensure that doesn't happen again. I changed jobs, I signed up for a grueling endurance event to ensure I kept active, I took time out, every now and again for myself (and tried to not feel guilty about that), and, on the advice of a friend I started reading Sarah Napthali's book 'Buddhism for mothers'.
I am slowly working towards acceptance and peace. I'm not quite there, to be honest, but I feel better equipped to continue moving forward. Now is the time to really actively take steps to ensure I don't fall in a winter slump. It was Lola's 4th birthday on Sunday, we had a really lovely day and emotionally, I felt strong. However the days following, I have felt a little of the fog start to creep in. I've felt the temptation to cancel all of my plans and lock myself away for winter. I've lost my temper with the kids more than once.
It is a fine line between taking time out to restore and rejuvenate and isolating myself to wallow and allow unhealthy thoughts into my mind. I am forcing myself to not cancel social events, to continue to be active, to work on being a calm and happy mother, to set goals, make plans, be healthy!
Happy 4th Birthday Angel xx