Wednesday, February 6, 2013


I can't breath
My heart is beating crazy fast
I feel faint
Everything is black
What's wrong with me?
I'm going to die
Should I call for help?
I don't know what to do? I have noone to call.
I'm seeing stars
I remember someone I could probably call
I don't want to be a burden but I don't want to die.
I call
Then I am ok
and I realise I was having a panic attack
and I am sick of myself
I just want to be strong, and normal
I dont want to be a burden to my husband
my children
my family
my friends
and I hate myself for being exactly that.

Three triggers in 10 days. Unlucky?
Or a sign that I am not ok AGAIN.

Nowhere to turn. No time for a breakdown.
My pain. My heart. My head.
I am a messy mess.

Where to?

More counselling? More money down the drain that we JUST. CAN. NOT. AFFORD.
and for what.

Me to still not be ok.

No answers.

Just Drowning.


Anna said...

You need to just give yourself a break. Don't try and fight the feelings. When the panic attack/anxiety comes let it come. Allow it to wash over your body and give it space. It can't hurt you. It is just excess adrenalin. It will be over before you know it.
It is normal to experience the grief over and over again. Triggers or not.
You are ok.
Allow yourself to feel the anxiety. Don't be afraid of how you are feeling.
Sometimes when we get to this point again it just because it is a build up of stress (that we may not even be aware of). The panic attacks and anxiety are just our bodies way of saying "hey, you need a rest".
Don't beat yourself up. This is just a setback right now. You will come out of this stronger (you might not feel like that now though).

No idea if any of this helps. I hope there is at least some tiny bit of something that helps in some way.
Thinking of you. Anna

Oh and PS. Stop trying to be ok. The more you try to be strong, the harder it gets. You will be strong again. But give your mind a rest and just cry, allow yourself to feel sad and mad and everything in between.

Kristalee said...

'Don't be afraid of how you are feeling'
This is what I am not so good at.
I need to get better at recognizing what is happening and just going with it.
Thank you Anna for your words.

Kim said...

Kristalee, I don't know what to say. Anna has said it all beautifully. Just wanted you to know that we are thinking about you and we are always here if you need us.

Brendon would never feel that way about you. I'm sure he has moments like this too, only maybe it shows in a different way. You have both been through so much losing Lola, no one would expect you to be 'alright' all of the time.

Please look after yourself and find someone that you can talk to that makes you feel better. Instead of a councillor, maybe you have a good friend that will listen and provide support when you need it.

Take care,
Kim & Heath

Anonymous said...

Anytime, anywhere, you can always, ALWAYS call me Darlin. Don't ever forget it. Big love and hugs to you. XXL