The old -
2011 was alot about finding me again. I got the job I have been hankering for the last few years which saw me out of the home four days a week. This meant that the home maker/house parent role was shared much more evenly between Bren and I.
This in itself was bittersweet.
I love my job and confidence in myself grew at a great rate. However being a mother that works outside the home, as well as in the home, is a constant tug of war between being the best mother I can be and trying to maintain a high standard and regard in the workplace. The industry in which I work has a culture of putting work first, working whatever hours you need to get the job done and beyond, and there are very vulnerable lives affected by the work we do so the stakes are high. As a people pleaser and perfectioist I have struggled a lot with the idea that I would be letting people down or dissappointing them by choosing my family needs over work when that choice has arisen, or vice versa. It is a tough gig.
Juggling family and my career has been the big focus of 2011, it was no longer about finding our way through grief, surviving the loss of Lola. I guess it is true that life goes on. There is sadness in this idea though. I hate that Lola is so much less of a focus in ours and others lives. It's not that I want to live in sadness but rather that I want my daughter to matter. She is part of our every day in our little family. Her name is spoken literally every day. My children are growing up feeling her prescence and we are happy about that. But it isn't something that others ever talk to us about anymore and I find less and less reason to say her name outside our family. I accept this though even though I feel a bit sad about it.
I want to find a way to bring in an income in a family friendly way. I want to work but I dont want to feel guilty about putting my own kids needs first. I'm not quite sure yet how this will happen, if I need to address this within my current role or if I need a career change or if we change things within our own family.
This year will be our last before Millie starts school. I hope to soak up every little bit of her this year before she goes off to school next year. (sniff, sniff)
We are rebuilding our lives bit by bit and I feel like we are in a moving forward stage. My thinking sometimes becomes catastrophic and I find myself holding my breath anticipating something terrible happening but I am trying to be more self aware and rational and can talk myself out of those thoughts.
I have high hopes of 2012 being a great year for us. I am pinning my hopes on getting more sleep, lord knows it is about time.
Happy New Year to you, my friend!