Just because

I can't stop thinking of her today



I was looking through her album last night and I saw this one differently.

This is what it's like ...

To have four children.

Sometimes one gets left out and it is usually the least demanding one. My sweet little Lola has been a little left out.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. But in recent times, she has occupied less of my mind than usual. It has been a while since I have looked through her box or at her photos, I have felt a pull to do exactly that tonight though and It takes but a moment to be transported back to the pain of saying goodbye to my baby.

She is so beautiful, I was looking for similarities to Lucy Rose but I have to say I wasn't struck by how much they look alike. This disappointed me as I see them as being so connected, I don't suppose this means they have to look alike too though.

As time goes by it can be hard to stay connected to my missing baby yet I feel a very strong desire to keep her memory in our family alive.

A post for the broken hearted

The first year of writing my blog I often received emails from other broken hearted parents. Their stories have stayed with me. I haven't received any emails from any of them in recent times and I completely understand why, I just want them to know that I hope with all my heart that they have found some peace and happiness again. Their pain will never be forgotten by me, I promise.

Sneak peak

The fairies had a wonderful time at the party yesterday. I can hardly believe though that after weeks of planning, it is all over!

The above photo is a little sneak peak at the fairy garden I created for the party. The beautiful photo is thanks to my friend Mel from milk photography and the themed decorations are thanks to my friend Gayle from I will invitations they both did such an amazing job!

Your piece of our puzzle

Of late I have had a couple of people share with me their story of Lola, where they were when they found out, what they thought/felt when they found out, how it changed their view of things.

Given it is close to two years since we lost our baby girl people feel more comfortable sharing.

For me, hearing these stories, has made me realise there is a whole other part of Lola's story that I havn't heard and, of course, I want to.

If you have a part of our puzzle that you would like to share, please do!

The Mummy Fairy

The fairies have been extremely busy in our house now that we are less than a week away from the fairy event of the year. They have even pulled together a mummy size fairy outfit! My crafty space looks like the fairies have been bombing us.

The fairy guest of honour, Millie, is almost jumping out of her skin with excitement, particular when the mummy fairy tried on her outfit. She had to try hers on again and she insisted we twirl down the hallway. All way too cute!

What does she think?

I am lucky, I have three babies just down the hall, all sleeping in their beds.
Mostly I feel at peace about that but then sometimes I wonder if Lola is watching us and thinking we have forgotten her or does she think that Lucy has replaced her spot in our family, as the little sister or the littlest daughter.

I want her to know that I think about her all the time, every day. If she is watching she might not know that, I dont cry as much as I used to. In fact Millie said to me today "Mummy you cried when Lucy was in your tummy, now your not sad cause she's not in your tummy."

I have spent many hours this week sorting our photo's into albums and frames. Honestly if you looked through these photo's you would think Lola had never happened. That massive part of who we are as a family is missing from our family albums. I dont have any photo's of when I was pregnant with her or any of right after she was born. I would give anything to have even had just one hour with her alive and breathing in my arms.

Any amount of time would be so much better than none at all. Someone once told me that they think it was better that she died inside me rather than dieing after. I disagree.

As I was sorting the photo's I was unconsciously categorising them as "before Lola" or "after Lola". I was also looking for signs of her in the photo's, any kind of sign that she is with us. No matter how hard I try, I am just not getting those signs, in any form.

I want to know that she is still with us in some way. I want to know that she knows we love her. I want her to know that she has her own little place in our family, even though she may not feature in our family photo albums.