What would have been ..

Second birthday's are a little more low key in our family.

We usually do something together as a family or just have a family dinner and cake or something like that.

For Lola's second birthday I imagine (all the time) we would have gone to the zoo this weekend or maybe had the family around on thursday night for a rainbow cake.

I imagine her with dark curly hair (like her Daddy), she probably would have been quite mischievous. Milllie and Lola would love being together and playing babies I am sure. I would have bought her a gorgeous party dress and a dolls house.

Instead I will probably cry and feel sad and want to visit the Chapel where her funeral was held in an attempt to feel closer to her.

Word Mash by Jackson

Jackson has been practising his writing by writing random words on a piece of paper. I thought it was a little insight into the mind of a 5 year old! Enjoy xx

I Love You because

Jackson, I see you as being like me. The way you HATE getting into trouble and it makes you so upset if anybody is even a little disappointed with you and the way you are so careful. You are also very conscientious and loyal. If anybody hurts your friends, watch out cause they'll have you to deal with. You have a few really close friends that you want to play with all the time. You are so clever too, you only need to be told something once and you will remember it always (like your daddy). A lot of my time with you lately is with you asking me how to spell various words (especially your friends names) or playing I spy. You love sport, particularly running.

Millie, You are the little firecracker of our family, you are so full of happiness that you seem to radiate sunshine. You are rarely without a smile on your face. You are so pretty and have hair the colour of rose gold, people always comment on how beautiful your hair is. You have a mischievous side that even though it drives me crazy at times, I secretly love it. Everybody wants to be friends with you and you seem to be in your element when you are surrounded by many and they are ALL your best friend. You are so loving and affectionate. We spend a lot of time hugging. You say the nicest things to me that send my heart a flutter. You dance and sing without inhibition and must have at least two songs sung to you each night before sleeping.

Lola, You are too beautiful for words. You have brought something 'extra' to our little family that cannot be explained. But Mummy and Daddy both feel it. You are a part of our every day in more ways than you could ever imagine. So many people continue to be touched by the beautiful photos of you and the devastating love in your Daddy's eyes. In fact those photo's are making people's lives better. Your big brother and sister still talk about you and love you and your little sister, well, I see you in her eyes every day.

Lucy, you are like a precious and fragile little flower. You are so sweet and love to be snuggled more than anything. You often hold my face with both hands and launch in for a slobbery open mouthed kiss and I adore them. You are greatly amused by your big brother and big sister only. They are the only ones that can give you those beautiful, big belly laughs. You smile at all faces and people are completely bewitched by you the moment you do. We spend most of every night snuggled so close as you feed at your leisure. While it makes Mummy very tired, I am hanging on to that special closeness for as long as I can. I recognise how special it is and will never wish away this time with you while you are still so little and mummy is where it's at!!! (cause i know soon enough it will be all about Daddy).

But all of this is not the reason I love you. I love you because this is what I was born to do, I feel it in every inch of my being, and have for as long as i can remember, that being your mum is why I am here.

warts and all