No direction.
No motivation.
No energy.
Broken.
Leaving 2009 behind is like walking away from a war. I am bruised and battered and limping away from this war that I lost. Or did I? I guess I am still here. My family is intact, just. It just doesn't feel like a win.
Last night the last song they played before the fireworks was 'Lola' by the Kinks. I should have been happy and thinking that Lola was looking out for us. I just cried through the whole song. She should have been there.
I have never cried at midnight on New years before last night.
I guess I will just pick myself up and brush myself off and try again.
I have big plans and ideas and goals for 2010.
They might have to wait till tomorrow, or the next day, or next week. I am bloody tired!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Oh my
I miss my baby girl so much. I just long to hold her. To see her getting all chubby and mobile and smiley. She should be here. We should be packing a bag for her for our holiday too. I HATE that she cant be here with us, her family.
Grief at this time of year is debilitating. I am just emotionally exhausted but there are so many obligations and expectations to be fulfilled.
Lola's tree is so pretty, we have been getting decorations to hang on it nearly every day but I want to show her the tree and explain where each decoration has come from.
Oh Lola, we love you and miss you every day xx
Grief at this time of year is debilitating. I am just emotionally exhausted but there are so many obligations and expectations to be fulfilled.
Lola's tree is so pretty, we have been getting decorations to hang on it nearly every day but I want to show her the tree and explain where each decoration has come from.
Oh Lola, we love you and miss you every day xx
Monday, December 21, 2009
It feels a bit like Christmas
I have been trying so hard to give my kids the most wonderful Christmas ever this year. We have been hurtling through December at full speed with barely a moment to ourselves, hardly a moment to stop and think. We have been having a load of fun participating in all things Christmas. We have been feeling incredibly happy at times. However you just cant escape the obvious gaping whole in our family at this time of year, no matter how much you try.
This time last year we were dreaming of this Christmas with three babies, our complete family. I took a photo of the kids in our (empty) fireplace for our christmas card and planned on making that a tradition every year. We took the photo this year but I cant send it. It makes me too sad. Writing Christmas cards has just been an undoable task this year.
I have sunk. I am exhausted. I have hit a roadblock and feel miserable. It would be quite nice to go to bed tonight and wake up on boxing day.
We are leaving for our caravaning holiday on Christmas afternoon. This is exciting and scary at the same time. We are going to the same place as last year. It is the kind of place where all the same people turn up each year. It is a pretty special spot but again the fact that Lola is not there will be glaring us in the face. Our caravan neighbours will be expecting us to have our baby. That could be a bit awkward.
I hate to say a goodbye on such a sad note but this is where I am.
Our family is sending your family lots of happy wishes for Christmas. We really hope you have a fabulous Christmas, we will try our best to do the same too. Thankyou for all the continued support you have shown us this year. (The Christmas decorations arriving on our doorstep have put a big smile on our faces)
Goodbye for a few weeks our friends xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
This time last year we were dreaming of this Christmas with three babies, our complete family. I took a photo of the kids in our (empty) fireplace for our christmas card and planned on making that a tradition every year. We took the photo this year but I cant send it. It makes me too sad. Writing Christmas cards has just been an undoable task this year.
I have sunk. I am exhausted. I have hit a roadblock and feel miserable. It would be quite nice to go to bed tonight and wake up on boxing day.
We are leaving for our caravaning holiday on Christmas afternoon. This is exciting and scary at the same time. We are going to the same place as last year. It is the kind of place where all the same people turn up each year. It is a pretty special spot but again the fact that Lola is not there will be glaring us in the face. Our caravan neighbours will be expecting us to have our baby. That could be a bit awkward.
I hate to say a goodbye on such a sad note but this is where I am.
Our family is sending your family lots of happy wishes for Christmas. We really hope you have a fabulous Christmas, we will try our best to do the same too. Thankyou for all the continued support you have shown us this year. (The Christmas decorations arriving on our doorstep have put a big smile on our faces)
Goodbye for a few weeks our friends xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Friday, December 18, 2009
I learnt something today
You can run as fast as you possibly can for as long as you possibly can but it doesn't matter, the darkness, sadness, missing will always find you.
A new one today
This has been stuck in my head the last few days and not letting me sleep so I had to make it today in a minute while Millie was asleep! So very rough. Millie not so willing for photos either, poor princess that she is.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
A tree for Lola
I told you about our special tree for Lola right?
I thought you might like to see some of the decorations on it.
From Lola's step-grandma
Made by Millie
Made by Jackson
From my friend Chantelle. She is super nice and her blog is so pretty (think I may have already mentioned that ; )) AND she is having a HUGE giveaway on her blog at the moment, you should definitely enter!
From Daddy. He went off on his own, of his own accord and bought this. (The plate at the bottom says 'Always in my heart') Made my heart melt and bought a tear to my eye. Gosh darn it he is a sweet daddy xx
I thought you might like to see some of the decorations on it.
From Lola's step-grandma
Made by Millie
Made by Jackson
From my friend Chantelle. She is super nice and her blog is so pretty (think I may have already mentioned that ; )) AND she is having a HUGE giveaway on her blog at the moment, you should definitely enter!
From Daddy. He went off on his own, of his own accord and bought this. (The plate at the bottom says 'Always in my heart') Made my heart melt and bought a tear to my eye. Gosh darn it he is a sweet daddy xx
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