I was wrong when I said I didn't think I had the emotional strength to do my job anymore. I slipped right back into my role easily. One look at the two littlies I will be working with and I was smitten.
Starting back at work WAS hard but for different reasons. Questions! So many questions!
Do you have any children?
How many children do you have?
How come you had 6 months off?
Oh, the lady you are replacing left to have a baby! (I know! We left at the same time, she was due 2 weeks after me and has a lovely baby girl)
I didn't really realise this before but all anyone seems to talk about in primary schools is who is pregnant, who has a baby, how many children you have. Which is fine normally, I like talking about those things.
Yesterday however I spent the whole day feeling like I wanted to vomit everytime any of those things were mentioned hoping none of theose questions would be directed at me. I HATE that. I hate that Lola has to become my dirty little secret. It hurts so so much that I cant mention her. She was a full term baby and if she was here you can bet your bottom dollar I would have proudly been talking about my 5 month old (it was 5 months yesterday).
Why does what happened to us have to be swept under the carpet? Would it have been different if she had taken her first breath? If she had survived a few weeks? I have been made to feel like it is offensive for me to mention her as my third baby that I gave birth to just 5 months ago. I think it is horribly unfair that women who have lost a baby are not allowed to mention that baby so as to not make others feel uncomfortable. You know what, too bad if it makes you uncomfortable or it's too in your face. You can bet your life that actually being the mother or father to a baby that died is a million times worse!