Tuesday, October 6, 2009

That which must not be spoken of

I was wrong when I said I didn't think I had the emotional strength to do my job anymore. I slipped right back into my role easily. One look at the two littlies I will be working with and I was smitten.

Starting back at work WAS hard but for different reasons. Questions! So many questions!
Do you have any children?
How many children do you have?
How come you had 6 months off?
Oh, the lady you are replacing left to have a baby! (I know! We left at the same time, she was due 2 weeks after me and has a lovely baby girl)
I didn't really realise this before but all anyone seems to talk about in primary schools is who is pregnant, who has a baby, how many children you have. Which is fine normally, I like talking about those things.

Yesterday however I spent the whole day feeling like I wanted to vomit everytime any of those things were mentioned hoping none of theose questions would be directed at me. I HATE that. I hate that Lola has to become my dirty little secret. It hurts so so much that I cant mention her. She was a full term baby and if she was here you can bet your bottom dollar I would have proudly been talking about my 5 month old (it was 5 months yesterday).

Why does what happened to us have to be swept under the carpet? Would it have been different if she had taken her first breath? If she had survived a few weeks? I have been made to feel like it is offensive for me to mention her as my third baby that I gave birth to just 5 months ago. I think it is horribly unfair that women who have lost a baby are not allowed to mention that baby so as to not make others feel uncomfortable. You know what, too bad if it makes you uncomfortable or it's too in your face. You can bet your life that actually being the mother or father to a baby that died is a million times worse!


Jenn said...

Tell it how it is, lovely - celebrate your beautiful daughter, speak her wonderful name. You were on maternity leave, because you had a baby. She was too special to be with us but she was here nonetheless and she'll always be your daughter and you gave birth to her. She is no less a child than any other. Strength darls, liberate yourself, doesn't matter about others.

megs said...

I couldn't agree more! I guess it is a vicious cycle - the less Lola and beautiful babies like her are spoken about and remembered, the less people know how to speak about them. So they don't.
Jenn is right. It dosen't matter about others. You do what you need to do. xx

KHJaT said...

Jenn, you said it in one. Kristalee, you tell them all about your beautiful Lola and don't worry about them. Some of their reactions may just be because they don't know what to say to you, not that they don't want to hear about Lola. There is no reason why you should not be able to talk about her, she is your daughter, you gave birth to her and you should be able to talk about her as much as you like. Sorry that some people don't want to hear about her, you can always tell us though. I think about Lola everyday, and that you and Bren are amazing. Lola is lucky to have you both as her parents, people that love her so much, as well all do. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I agree with Jenn. Please don't feel like you have keep silent. I think most people would feel sad to know that they had unwittingly made you feel like you can't talk about your daughter (and the ones who don't are not worth your time anyway.) It must be hard enough to face those questions at any time, let alone to feel as though your answers are somehow wrong. Glad to hear that work went okay otherwise, though.

Kristalee said...

It isn't actually anyone in particular that has made me feel like I can't talk about her or acknowledge her. It is more my perception or cultural expectations that this is a taboo subject, you know! And I fear the look of uneasiness that will cross their face.

Anonymous said...

I say mention Lola as much as you can. What is taboo about talking about a special little princess who has changed people's lives??? She is a beautiful girl who deserves to have her Mummy telling the world about her special girl. Do what you want to do, not what you think others would want you to do. x x x x Can't wait to catch up x x x x x