I have this idea in my head that I dont want my blog to be depressing, I want it to be a story of triumph, mother love and happiness. BUT this is a blog about the death of my daughter so excuse my french but that is f@#$%!n depressing. Losing Lola has been the hardest thing I have ever had to live through but hard in ways I didn't expect as well as the ways you would expect. I am struggling to maintain the relationships in my life, my social skills seem to have left me, I always say the wrong thing because my head is so full of pain I cant think straight or remember things. I get text messages and forget the very next second thus people become upset with me. I have lost the filter that allows me to think before I speak. It is like my mind is moving through mud, it cant keep up with my mouth. I am completely self absorbed in that I dont notice or think of the things I should be doing. For example my mother in law is turning 60 next week. Her party has been organized with no help from me. I didn't even know it was happening until we got a phone call saying be here at this time. It didn't even occur to me to ask what needed to be done! I guess people are trying to be understanding but everyone has their limit. I wonder if the relationships in our life will survive this. I think the thing that will make it hard for others to understand is that we are getting worse right when people expect us to be getting better. The first couple of months I think people were thinking we were doing really well and coping and we were but the shock of all this has finally disappeared. I can see how shock is a great self-preservation tool but it is also cruel in that right now when we need the most support is right when it is dwindling or we feel like we no longer have a right to ask for that support or to be given those allowances.
These are the reasons I would really like to live in the woods just me, Bren, Jackson, Millie and Lola. No need to see people, answer the phone, no expectations until I am able to find some kind of peace with this hand we have been dealt.
My advice for you today is to hold your babies tight, take a moment every day to appreciate their amazingness, remember what is important (i.e.bugger worrying about your pelvic floor jump on the trampoline WITH your kids, they love it) and never ever take them for granted.