Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Truth

I have this idea in my head that I dont want my blog to be depressing, I want it to be a story of triumph, mother love and happiness. BUT this is a blog about the death of my daughter so excuse my french but that is f@#$%!n depressing. Losing Lola has been the hardest thing I have ever had to live through but hard in ways I didn't expect as well as the ways you would expect. I am struggling to maintain the relationships in my life, my social skills seem to have left me, I always say the wrong thing because my head is so full of pain I cant think straight or remember things. I get text messages and forget the very next second thus people become upset with me. I have lost the filter that allows me to think before I speak. It is like my mind is moving through mud, it cant keep up with my mouth. I am completely self absorbed in that I dont notice or think of the things I should be doing. For example my mother in law is turning 60 next week. Her party has been organized with no help from me. I didn't even know it was happening until we got a phone call saying be here at this time. It didn't even occur to me to ask what needed to be done! I guess people are trying to be understanding but everyone has their limit. I wonder if the relationships in our life will survive this. I think the thing that will make it hard for others to understand is that we are getting worse right when people expect us to be getting better. The first couple of months I think people were thinking we were doing really well and coping and we were but the shock of all this has finally disappeared. I can see how shock is a great self-preservation tool but it is also cruel in that right now when we need the most support is right when it is dwindling or we feel like we no longer have a right to ask for that support or to be given those allowances.

These are the reasons I would really like to live in the woods just me, Bren, Jackson, Millie and Lola. No need to see people, answer the phone, no expectations until I am able to find some kind of peace with this hand we have been dealt.

My advice for you today is to hold your babies tight, take a moment every day to appreciate their amazingness, remember what is important (i.e.bugger worrying about your pelvic floor jump on the trampoline WITH your kids, they love it) and never ever take them for granted.

4 comments:

Chelle, Nick and Raya said...

Great advice - we should always remember how blessed we are to have our children.

I had a car accident and injured my spine and people were initially supportive but then just wanted everything to be back to normal because my prolonged pain made them feel uncomfortable. My advice is to say you are struggling - tell people you were in shock before and you need support now. A true friend is not scared of your raw upfront honest pain. Sometimes you just want someone to hold your hand and that doesn't require that much effort.

True friends never fail to rise to the challenge

xx

Anonymous said...

Kristalee hi there lovely. You will survive and perhaps that is the hardest thing. You are torn between the pain of losing your darling and needing to be in the present for the rest of your family. You are a mum that is angry that Lola can't be here to experience all the wonderful things you wanted and hoped for her. Don't be hard on yourself. You are grieving and there is nothing wrong with that. You will never forget her and the pain will always be there but hopefully you will have more sunny days than foggy ones eventually. Love Cris x

Anonymous said...

Hey darlin,
We're not going anywhere. We're here, for you all, in whatever capacity you need, for ever and ever. If what you need changes each day, or each hour, don't you worry that we're going to be bothered about it- cos we NEVER will. You've got to look after yourself and your family - no one else. And if we can help to look after you at all then we feel privileged that we're able to.
And... please don't be so hard on yourself - you say MANY beautiful, lovely things- we just don't seem to dwell on the good things as much as the things we *think* might have been silly to say.
Actually, you recently said the nicest things to me that anyone has said in quite a while :)
Be kind to yourself, my lovely friend.
Lots of love, M & B & L & I xxxx

mymilkspilt said...

I want to thank you again for writing this blog. Grief and death are largely taboo in our culture. The reason that we might not always understand that healing takes more time than expected and that along with grief comes anger and relationship problems is because nobody talks about it much. I think the fact that your blog includes joyous things like days at the park and craft projects alongside raw sadness is really wonderful because that is life. I am sorry there is so much pain in your life that can't be taken away, it makes me sad. I will definitely be hugging my little one tight after reading this. Big hugs to you all.