Oh I have been sad! More sad than I have ever felt in my whole life. I have cried many many tears in the last few weeks and I even spent one whole day in bed because I couldn't bear to face the world. Every other day in the last few weeks I have wished i could spend the whole day in bed. Smiles were few and far between and not even my two lovely smiling, breathing babies could make things better. My friends and family have been patient, checking in every now and then but the truth is noone can make this better, it is just stuff I have to work through by myself, I need that time by myself. A couple of months ago one of our very close friends said to me about our loss of Lola "This is the worse thing that has happened to someone we know, we are here for you for as long as it takes, if it takes 10 years that's fine. Whatever you need us to do, that is what we will do." True to his word that is exactly what they have done and many of our other friends, they have listened to what we need and respected that, be it space, distraction, a shoulder to cry on, photo's, a night out, anything. True Friends!
I want to be happy though, I want to be a 'cup is half full' kinda gal. I know we still have some tough times to come but right now, at this moment, I am actively finding ways to cheer up! It started with reading my horoscope on Sunday. I cant remember the exact words but it was something along the lines of "unleash your potential, something great is still to come for you". Then on Monday I had a great session with one of my students, he inspires me and helping him makes me happy. I also found a new blog by another babyloss mama called Still life with circles. This lady has started a 'Random acts of Kindness' project called 'Good Friday'. On friday she goes above and beyond the norm to do something kind for somebody and encourages others to do the same. I really, really love this idea and plan on participating. Doing something extra special for somebody does make me feel good so I'm doing it! I plan on making stuff too, that makes me really happy, to create! And I am going to ask my friends for some of their time, because they make me happy too, being with them makes me feel loved, strong and inspired.
"Oh, I can see a glass half full!"