I realised tonight, when having my second shower for the day, that THIS is the time I give myself to think about Lola. It's not a conscious thing, I just realised tonight that it is what I do. I am not thinking of her every moment of every day but I always spend the entire time I am in the shower thinking of Lola.
Tonight I found myself thinking of the number four. That while Lucy has taken us a long way along that road to healing, I want four. My body bears the scars of four babies, I want four babies. I momentarily considered us having another but deep down I know it's not about the number of kids I have, it's never going to be enough, my missing baby will always be missing.