5 months and 1 week ago I believed I was surviving the worst I will have to ever face. I thought "If I can get through today I will be one day closer to recovering from this great loss". I thought I was doing ok. Yes it was hard and awful but I still smiled sometimes, I still enjoyed my life in between the times I wasn't. I thought 5 months ago was the depths of my grief. In all honesty it has been a slippery slope down since that time, particularly the last few weeks. The shock was buffering the pain. Slowly but surely the shock is diminishing and the reality of this loss is setting in. This is harder, now, trying to move on with my life but without a clue how to get through this terrible ache deep within me. I wonder when I will be strong enough to start climbing out of this hole?

5 months and 2 weeks ago I didn't know pain, I didn't know sadness, I didn't know this whole other part of life called grief. I had never experienced it, I had never witnessed it. Is grief and loss hidden in our society or was I just blind to it? A friend I work with told me of another culture where a funeral is not held until 12 months after death. The family are given 12 months to come to terms with their loss before they have to really say goodbye.

I do not know what to do with this grief and sadness and despair.