Here I am

28 weeks pregnant today.
While many women are fairly relaxed about their pregnancy at this stage (you know because they are out of the 'danger' period), my anxiety is increasing every day. It is really hard to concentrate on anything other than whether my baby is moving or not and whether she is growing as she should be, or not. I always knew that my fourth pregnancy (from the time we started to consider a fourth) was going to become increasingly difficult.

I know that I can not live through the loss of another baby, I just can't.

However, the care I am receiving is second to known. I have utmost trust in the doctors looking after me. They are leaving no stone unturned and nothing to chance. I am having fortnightly check-ups and scans to track my babies growth as that will be how we can tell if things are not right and while we want the baby to stay where she is for the time being, any indication that her growth is slowing, then I'll be induced.

Despite the excellent care, I am feeling like the weight of responsibility to keep my baby alive rests with me. It is up to me to monitor her movements, it is up to me to decide if we need to go in for monitoring, it is up to me to know if things are not right. If things go wrong, well, it is my body that has failed our baby, it is me that will have let everybody down, again.

I am living in hope of the day that our story comes full circle and we announce the safe arrival of an extra special and amazing new member of our family!

Lady Luck

I would like to have a serious chat to Lady Luck if only I could find her. Things have really not been going our way of late and I would very seriously like to change that.

I wonder what it is that influences things that seem as though they are out of your control. Is it attitude, voodoo, witchcraft, fate?

I can't change the fact that Brendon's brother died, or that our car broke and has landed us in financial hot water, or that I keep having scary bleeds, or that my Dad had a heart scare. BUT I want to turn things around from here on in. I want good news phone calls. Only. Please. Does anybody know to whom I should address this request?

A Complete Family

I am wishing hard and pinning all my hopes on the safe arrival of our new baby making all the difference to our family. I have had it in my mind that things will get better, easier, when our new little bundle arrives. I have been told by those that have walked this path before that that may very well be the case.

BUT sometimes I get confused, and forget how many babies I have had or have or will have or should have. That is a little strange right? At yet another emergency room visit last week the nurse asked me what number pregnancy this was. I answered four. Correct! She then asked me how many children I had. I answered three. Wrong! Brendon corrected me and I turned crimson with embarrassment. When I think of my family being complete when our baby arrives it just doesn't sit right. There will be three children but now it feels like there should be four. I will have been pregnant four times and I should have four children but one is missing, one is gone. This baby can't, wont and shouldn't fill that void, there will always be one missing, Lola will always be missing.

Eavesdropping can be fun!

Millie is in between needing an afternoon nap and not needing one (waaaaa). Some days I REALLY need her to have a sleep and so regardless of the signs she is giving me I put her in the cot. Today she didn't need one but I really did so in she went and I turned the monitor on so I could hear her and crossed my fingers that maybe she might just sleep.

Ummm no such luck!

I did however get to eavesdrop on her for a good 45 minutes and learnt a few things about my little munchkin like...

she can count to 10!

the swearing problem I thought we had under control? I was wrong! It seems my daughter has learnt not to drop the 'f bomb' around mummy and daddy (and presumably, other adults) but leave her alone in her bedroom and she will let loose! What can i do? It can be quite therapeautic to swear over and over when nobody is listening!



Butter wouldn't melt eh!

It IS a Mad World

I have been watching as my husband goes through all of those stages of grief again these past few days, as his brother passed away on Thursday. It has been difficult to watch but I am also struck by just how amazing he is, he truly is a man with a big, generous and loving heart.

We played the song 'Mad World' at Lola's funeral and as such I have posted it on my blog. This song is going to be played at Justin's funeral this coming week also, it just sums up the way losing someone close to you can make you feel.

♥ RIP Justin ♥

The weight of pregnancy

Three pregnancies in three years. Each of them related to a trauma of sorts. I guess that can take its toll and I guess that is the crux of my black cloud at the moment. I am feeling the weight of this pregnancy, the pain and the tiredness that comes with it which is a stark reminder of the the emotional journey of this pregnancy. It is not an easy one and it is putting a huge strain on all aspects of my life.

I want the baby so badly though it hurts just thinking about it. Please let everything be ok! Please let us get through this difficult, testing time. Please Please let everything be ok!

The line has been crossed

I am on the other side now of that invisible line. I think when your baby dies people give you a one year period of grace. By 'people' I mean those that you are close to, your family and friends. 'Odd' behaviour within a year is forgiven because 'oh yes, her baby died'.

I realised this a couple of weekends ago when a significant family member to me responded with 'so?' when I told them about the things I had found on the internet related to 'my medical issues'. That one word wounded me. They dont care anymore. They dont remember the baby, in their family, who died.

Someone else was counting the number of grandchildren in our family and they forgot Lola or at the very least decided she doesn't count. That wounded me too.

I feel sad at the moment, and really, really angry. I can't quite pinpoint why but I think it is partly because i am now on the other side of that line. I keep giving myself the pep talk about just getting on with it, be grateful, just be happy, it has been over 12 months now! I wish it was as simple as a pep talk to lift the weight off my shoulders and the black cloud out of my mind.

I want the old me back. The carefree, innocent, grateful and happy me.