My wish list

deliriously happy tears
sleepless nights
exhausted, hormonal tears
THAT newborn smell
sore, leaky boobs
a birth day cake
the best bottle of champagne, cause we survived
a million nappies to change in a day
happy, newborn photo's to add to our photo wall
sleep cycles, feeding cycles, 24 hour time
milk drunk baby
load after load of washing
Maternal and child health nurse visit with a baby to weigh, check over and coo over
a bassinet beside my bed with teeny little newborn sounds reassuring us all night
to watch Millie come over all mother hen with a real, touchable, huggable baby


Nearly there xxxx

A day

4am
awake
worried
prodding
poking
small movement
asleep
7am
awake
worried
prodding
uneasiness
knots
headache
driving
driving
child vomit
friends
tears
can't breath
vomit
prodding
worried
deep breaths
distractions
driving
driving
driving
hospital
monitors
silence
.
.
.
vomit
can't breath
room spinning
blinding white terror
NOOOOOOO
new midwife
135 bpm
relief
breath
just breath
perfect trace
exhausted
emotional
home
collapse
fetal position
grumpy
edgy
sleep

Not so bad...

I am 33 weeks pregnant today. I had my weekly check up at the hospital and as we were driving away I realised that I was feeling happy, excited and kinda calm.

I didn't expect to be this calm this late in the pregnancy. I expected to be a bit of a mess actually! I could quite easily be a mess but I believe my calmness is largely due to the amazing way I am being treated by the hospital. I just can not fault them. Nothing is too much trouble. There is an appointment for me with a doctor and including a scan AS OFTEN AS I NEED! I have been told over and over again that I can come in ANY TIME for monitoring, that ensuring my anxiety is alleviated as much as possible is the priority and the doctors are on top of everything.

Our baby girl is growing beautifully, she looks strong and everything looks healthy in there. I believe that all bases are covered and that we are being given the best possible chance of having a breathing, healthy baby in our arms in 5 weeks time.

I finish work this week *happy, happy dance* and I am really looking forward to spending lots of quality one on one time with Jackson and Millie and my friends.

Life is good!

All you need is love

We are so lucky to have each other and our mutual adoration for our kids!

That's what gets us through the rough times.

I love you Brendon, you really are an amazing Dad and husband!

Thankyou xx

Rituals

For the last week or so I have been waking up at 4am in a panic thinking that I havn't felt the baby move all night (probably because I was sleeping ;)). Soo I get up and drink a very cold drink, go back to bed and wait. Almost immediantly, off she goes, with lots of dancing and wriggling in my belly. Enough to send me back into the land of nod!

Only this morning at 4am when I did this, she didn't move. Not even a hiccup to console my worry. I lay there for three hours poking and prodding, standing up sitting down, lying on my side, everything. No movement. I planned to go straight to the hospital as soon as the first child stirred.

Jackson came in at 7am and suddenly there was a party in my tummy and she has, literally, not stopped all day!

Massively huge PHEW!!!!!

On Being Brave...

I'm not brave for sharing our story, I do it because it helps me. My motives are purely selfish. A couple of weeks ago when I was asked to share my story over at Kidspot I jumped at the chance. Many people have commented that they think I am brave or strong for being able to share which has had me thinking about what I am getting from it. It is hard to pinpoint how it helps me but I think part of it is that I feel validated in how we feel about losing our baby by the way others respond. It also keeps her memory alive for me, it gives me an opportunity to say her name.

I am not strong or brave, I'm really not, I am just finding my own way to cope the same as you would, because I have to, because I love Jackson and Millie and my husband as much as I love Lola and for them to be ok they need me to be here.

I have a memory of Brendon and I driving down the Eastern freeway one day long before we lost Lola and hearing about a family whose newborn baby had died. I remember thinking and feeling that if that happened to me I'd have to die, I wouldn't be able to cope with that pain and I said as much to Brendon.

To be completely honest and frank I have spent a lot of time thinking about dying in the last 16 months, some days the words "I just want to die" have been on repeat in my head for the entire day. At the same time the thing that has stopped those thoughts from going any further is my family. I think that rather than being strong or brave, I am lucky and blessed that I have a number of reasons to keep on keeping on.

free falling

this last stage feels exactly like that. I am hurtling towards the ground at unbelievable speeds, I am out of control. It feels like she could be taken away in the blink of an eye, though the doctors assure me that is not the case. I hope with all my heart that they are right.
I spent the entire day yesterday feeling breathless and a bit panicked as I ran around the house preparing to bring a new born HOME. Something clicked in me when I woke yesterday morning and it finally felt like I could do it, so i did, really quickly and all at once. I THINK it was the right thing to do, even though every day prior to yesterday I didn't think so. It's done now, the kids are excited at the prospect and the preparing and we are ready.