Thursday, February 25, 2010

A tiny detail

I have had a little detail from the last days I held Lola in my belly swimming around in my head. I just keep remembering that after we went to the hospital and DIDN'T hear lola's heart beat my stomach went all floppy. I couldn't feel her in there anymore. I knew she must be but her tiny lifeless body was no longer squeezed into a tight space with no room to move. A pregnant woman's belly is usually as hard as a rock. I was full term but my belly was no longer as hard as a rock. You would never have guessed there was a baby in there.

I am not sure why I have been thinking about this, I have been feeling pretty happy. This year is shaping up to be a new start, a better time for us. I dont have the words 'my baby died' on repeat in my head anymore. There is room to think about other things too. I wonder what Lola thinks about this? Does she think we are forgetting about her? We are not. Jackson just asked today what are we going to do for Lola's birthday and we started to think about that as a family. I take moments out of every day to stop and think about her. Lola is everywhere for us.


mand said...

You know you're not forgetting Lola and will never forget her. She knows too. You are her mother for ever.

These little details will seep up every so often, but when each has had its day it will fade again.

I told myself that the hard work of going through the grieving was instead of the hard work of nappies, sleep deprivation, etc. Babies are meant to be very hard and a learning curve. I know they're not meant to be such a sad lesson, but i hope you know what i'm trying to say here. :0| {hugz}

Maggie said...

Lola knows she will never be forgotten. She'll always be a part of your life and she knows that too! :) XO