Big ball of fire

is building up inside of me. The closer we get to the anniversary of Lola's death, the less I am coping. The ball of fire inside me is ignited so quickly and i find myself full of anger. And sadness. I knew this time would be hard but I could never have predicted how far I would fall. Some days I dont know how I will make it to the next, the hopelessness is overwhelming.
It has taken me this whole, long one year to feel the complete impact of our loss, I believe. To realise the void that Lola has left in our family will never be filled, never.

Hope springs eternal

I thought I was without hope.
I thought I was protecting myself by expecting the worst.
That way I would not feel disappointment and anything better than the worst would be a bonus.
Leading up to our scan last week I prepared myself for there being no heartbeat on the screen. I pictured how that would look and I decided that is what I would expect. If there was a heartbeat and a healthy, growing baby then that would be a bonus. I kept up this thinking right up until the doctor called our name.
However, as I walked into the room I felt a tiny, irridescent bright light beaming from my belly. It was hope. As hard as I tried to not feel it, I did. I couldn't help but feel it. With hope came calm and light. It was a strange feeling, the way it just came over me in those moments. I realised, in that moment, that 'with hope' IS the way to live this difficult time.

This story made me feel hope too. I want that! Everything Angie describes in that post! (Well maybe leave the sore ass out of my story!)

There's this thing

...that happens to me in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy. It is called Anti-Natal Depression. Have you ever heard of such a thing?
All day, every day my head says
'You are lazy'
'You are a crap mum, wife, daughter, friend'
'You are hopeless'
'You are fat'
'What is wrong with you'
I hardly move off the couch while this inner dialogue plays on repeat in my head. It becomes a self-fulfilling phrophecy.

I have been here twice before though (I didn't have it with Jackson's pregnancy) so a part of me knows that it will end around the half way mark. I believe it to be a combination of hormones, 24/7 nausea and extreme tiredness and probably grief and fear thrown into the mix this time.

In short I am struggling daily at the moment but I have gotten through it before and I will again.

The hard thing

...about grief

nearly 11 months down the track I am still gut wrenchingly devastated.

Compounded by the stomach turning fear and anxiety I feel every day because I am pregnant again and I am finding it so hard to imagine that this pregnancy might end with a baby breathing in my arms.

Embittered by the fact that I am bleeding on and off. Something that has never happened in pregnancy for me before except two days before Lola died.

Made worse by the thought that I should by planning a 1st birthday party. Instead I am trying to think of a way to keep Lola's memory alive and wondering if our loved ones will be offended by a gathering at one year anyway.

Exacerbated by the expectations of others that we will be ok because they no longer know what to say or feel uncomfortable sitting with our pain.

It's where I'm at, noone said this journey would be pretty.

A Chance Meeting or A Beautiful Connection

One day the idea of contacting a psychic jumped into my head and in a desperately dark moment I searched for one online who would do a reading by email. I found one and contacted her. She got right back to me and I paid for the reading right away, she said it would take a couple of days. It took three weeks, numerous emails from me and excuses from her and finally after I sent a grouchy email saying I felt like I had been taken for a ride, the reading came through. It had such bad feelings about it that Bren and I read it once, felt nothing and moved on.

The VERY next day I woke up to find an email from a psychic in my inbox. She had read on my blog that I was waiting for an email from a psychic and she wondered if she could help me. After spending the day emailing and building a friendship, she offered to do a reading for me.

The VERY next day I had the reading and it was SUPERB. It struck me right in my heart, I felt like I was talking with Lola. It was so intimate and detailed and beautiful, I recall it as a dream of pictures now when I think back to it, it was so much more than words on a screen.

Our meeting was more than chance, someone brought us together at exactly the right moment. ♥

from baby to boy

By day
his arms will hug reluctantly
cute must not be used to describe him
he is no longer my baby boy
he is big now

With the cloak of darkness
his arms cling tightly
his head rests on my shoulder
he nestles in as close as possible
he is lulled to sleep by his mumma's closeness
he is my baby once more

Sunshine

I dont have enough sunshine in my life, according to my pregnancy blood tests. Seriously that actually came up in my blood, I am vitamin D deficient.
How does a beach lovin, try hard surfin mama with roots in Western Australia, at the END of summer find herself deficient of sunshine? Could there be a more perfect analogy to describe my life over the past 11months?

It is ok though, you can get sunshine in a pill, that you take once a day!