Friday, July 24, 2009
A friend just sent this through in a message "Life is just so crazy, don't you think? At one moment everything is so horrible and unreal and turned-upside-down, and at the same moment, it's so 'normal' and the same." I think this friend might be just a little bit telepathic as this message came through at exactly the time that I was struggling to describe where I am at but this describes it perfectly!
Yes, everything appears to be back to normal and we are coping with life, even enjoying it but at the same time we are not the same people and we probably never will be. It feels like the name Lola is written on the inside of my brain, she is always in my head, I am never not thinking of her.
I am often vague and not present. I guess I have a lot going on inside and my brain is emotionally tired either from trying to keep busy and not be sad or from being sad. All that I am writing seems very contradictory, it is, because my life is right now. We are happy and savouring every moment of our life but we are sad and confused and missing. Everything is normal at the same time as being totally upside down. I dont know who I am, I thought at this moment I would be a stressed out mother of three children four years old and under. I thought my struggles would be about breastfeeding and meeting the needs of my newborn at the same time as caring for a one year old and a four year old. Instead my day to day life is easy, my children are settled and I am meeting the needs of my two alive children well, I think. While this is a good thing it's kinda not as well. Things are easy and settled because Lola died and so I wish things were different, see it's complicated in here!
I doubt that any of what I am writing will make sense to anyone else, it is such a jumble of contradictory thoughts but I guess that is who I am right now, as a mother of a baby daughter who died nearly three months ago at the same time as being the mother of two alive and happy, beautiful children, as a wife to a husband who is also grieving the loss of his daughter in his own sometimes private, sometimes public way, as a daughter to grandparents who lost a grandchild and as a friend who has been shown so much love, compassion and care but is not yet able to return it all yet!