Tuesday, July 28, 2009
This time next week we may or may not have some answers. Next tuesday is the big day we have been waiting three months for, the autopsy report will be given to us. I am desperate for answers but at the same time pretty terrified about what they may say. Was it my fault? Are further pregnancies ruled out? inconclusive results? These are all possibilities. I cant think of what would be a good result.
Many people have told me that I must not blame myself, but that is pretty impossible really. Lola died on my watch, I was solely responsible for nurturing her while she was in my belly. Being my third pregnancy I was much more relaxed about it all than previous pregnancies. I wasn't quite as careful about what I ate, I had a glass of champagne on New years eve, I drank a coffee each day. Could any of these things have hurt Lola.
Having another baby has been on our mind for awhile, I guess the thought of having another brings us some comfort. It is possible they may tell us we shouldn't have any more babies. We are so lucky to have two gorgeous little people in our family but from the moment we found out we were pregnant with Lola we suddenly imagined our family in the future with three little people.
Probably the scariest propostion of all is that they may not have any reason at all as to why this happened. Scary because I will have all these questions floating around forever.
In order to prepare for next tuesday I am going to start writing down the questions I have. Put me in front of a doctor and I am like a deer in the headlights. I freeze and all clarity disappears. If anyone has advice on questions i should ask please shoot it through.
I have a whole week to sit with these feelings. The knot in my stomach is growing each day. Maybe this will be one of those situations where the anticipation is much worse than the reality but maybe not too. I suspect this may be a week of melancholy, I have some fun things planned between now and then but I also plan to go gently. I ask of those that I will be spending time with to understand where I am at and to not expect too much of me. I think this probably applies to my husband as well, I know he has had Lola on his mind too. xxx
Image: Rob Eastman