Tuesday, July 28, 2009

One week


This time next week we may or may not have some answers. Next tuesday is the big day we have been waiting three months for, the autopsy report will be given to us. I am desperate for answers but at the same time pretty terrified about what they may say. Was it my fault? Are further pregnancies ruled out? inconclusive results? These are all possibilities. I cant think of what would be a good result.

Many people have told me that I must not blame myself, but that is pretty impossible really. Lola died on my watch, I was solely responsible for nurturing her while she was in my belly. Being my third pregnancy I was much more relaxed about it all than previous pregnancies. I wasn't quite as careful about what I ate, I had a glass of champagne on New years eve, I drank a coffee each day. Could any of these things have hurt Lola.

Having another baby has been on our mind for awhile, I guess the thought of having another brings us some comfort. It is possible they may tell us we shouldn't have any more babies. We are so lucky to have two gorgeous little people in our family but from the moment we found out we were pregnant with Lola we suddenly imagined our family in the future with three little people.

Probably the scariest propostion of all is that they may not have any reason at all as to why this happened. Scary because I will have all these questions floating around forever.

In order to prepare for next tuesday I am going to start writing down the questions I have. Put me in front of a doctor and I am like a deer in the headlights. I freeze and all clarity disappears. If anyone has advice on questions i should ask please shoot it through.

I have a whole week to sit with these feelings. The knot in my stomach is growing each day. Maybe this will be one of those situations where the anticipation is much worse than the reality but maybe not too. I suspect this may be a week of melancholy, I have some fun things planned between now and then but I also plan to go gently. I ask of those that I will be spending time with to understand where I am at and to not expect too much of me. I think this probably applies to my husband as well, I know he has had Lola on his mind too. xxx

Image: Rob Eastman

5 comments:

Lover of Little Things said...

Geez i hope they can give you some answers.

When i had to wait for a diagnosis i had the same feelings of guilt (champas, coffee, ciggy's) riddling my mind, how could i not?..but just hearing a result (any result) was what i was longing for and once received, it helped me sooo much and inevitably it helped E....i know our stories are different but i'm hoping you and your family can have some relief by finally knowing. For the record, i will say, don't beat yourself up please!...and now i want to punch myself in the eyeball for saying it because i know it's easy to say but soooo hard to listen to....but i still mean it ; )

I can't tell you how many lists of questions i have! Lists were something i started making well after E's birth but if i had to do it all again...there would be mammoth lists from the second they induced me! I highly recommend writing any thoughts or questions that come to mind because it's so much harder to get them to front of mind when your trying. No matter what, you are all loved, supported and in my thoughts.

Again, your an amazing woman and i thank you and Lola for this blog.

Biiiiiiiiiig Hugs,
XXL

benmaclil said...

Your family and Lola are always in my thoughts through the day. We will be sending special prayers to you all on Tuesday. I hope you are able to stop blaming yourself soon. Watching your pregnancy from the outside all I ever saw was you with a careful, watchful hand over your stomach, and a gentle rub always, you think you were less careful, but I watched your eyes light up when you spoke of having 3 children (of course it was with a nervous glint of the unknown, 3 under 4 is a tremendous effort) and you DID care through your pregnancy with Lola, you DID watch what you ate, and you did EVERYTHING the hospital asked of you. I know you are the only one to be able to stop you blaming yourself, but I hope you get to do that soon, as we all know there is nothing you did to cause this. Lola has touched so many people in a way that you probably couldn't even imagine, she is very special and even in heaven will continue to do magical things. You are the proud Mummy of 3 beautiful children, and the only thing people will expect from you and Bren is to do what you need to do in order to grieve and heal. That is all x x x

sofrenchysochic said...

benmaclil, that was a beautiful post.

Wow K, Tuesday will be a big day for you. I will be thinking of you and your family.

Writing down your questions will help you to prepare for the appointment, even if you don't ask them all word for word. Information that you are given in the meeting will probably trigger more questions anyway, so at least you will be partially prepared.

I have no idea about the feelings you must be going through, in the leadup to Tuesday. I can imagine that the guilt and blame is natural for anyone in the same situation. Sometimes that kind of feeling is easier to believe than big medical words or the fact that these things are completely out of your control. I don't think anyone can make you come to that realisation, but I really hope that you do get there soon.

The love and care for your three beautiful children that shines through your words, and from your friends words, show that you would have done everything possible to produce a healthy baby. I hope you are able to reach an understanding to that end, within yourself.

xAnnie

Kristalee said...

Thankyou ladies I feel like I have been given lots of big virtual hugs xxx

megs said...

Although my experience is totally different to yours, I understand how important it is to know how and why something like this happened to Lola and to you and your family. I really hope you get the answers you need.
The list of questions is a fantastic idea.Make it as long and detailed as you can.
I will be thinking of you on Tuesday. xx

ps. thank you for your lovely message. It made me cry, in a good way :)