Putting it out there

There is no eloquent way I can think of to write how I am feeling so I'll just put it in the words that are most truthful but let me warn you it is not pretty, in fact it is pretty darn ugly. I feel shit! I am yearning for my baby daughter in a way I cant describe, it is pain and hurt and questions that can never be answered. I want to disappear into the literal black hole my head is already living in. I dont want to talk to anyone or see anybody I just want to be by myself so i can get better. I dont know if that would work though or if it would make me worse. I am functioning every day, my kids are happy and settled and understand that sometimes mummy cries because she misses Lola, if you see me or talk to me I am fine. It is in the moments that I stop for a minute and think of that sweet and beautifully perfect little face that this awful and overwhelming grief hurts my heart.

Thank God it's Friday!

My lovely husband has put in a mammoth effort at work over the last 2 weeks. Today is the last of a 12 day run. I am really looking forward to spending the weekend with him at home! But before that my super awesome friend has invited me and the kids to come and spend the night with her family on a farm in Alexandra. This is Alexandra!



I cant wait to indulge in some wine and good times tonight. It seriously makes me so happy seeing our kids running around together having fun!

What's on MY bedside table?

This was the title of a blog this challenge a couple of weeks ago. When I saw it I thought about whether I should share what is on my bedside table. Anyway I was totally on the wrong track. They didn't mean 'literally' what's on your bedside table but rather what are you reading. I have decided to be brave and show you what is on my bedside table anyway and tell you what is so precious about it.



Do you see that cream coloured box at the back to the left? That is Lola's ashes. I have thought a lot about what we should do with them, and every option makes me feel ill to my stomach, other than having her ashes right there next to me while I sleep. My heart cannot bear the thought of letting go of her by spreading her ashes somewhere or burying them, I just want her with me always. Is that creepy?
The box is the one from the crematorium so it is very plain and not very pretty. I have been thinking/looking for something prettier to keep her ashes in but have had no luck yet. If you see something in your travels let me know ok?

The little doll and the pink bunny rug you may recognize from the photo's we had done of Lola, I slept with them in the weeks following her birth because they had that intoxicatingly beautiful newborn baby smell. The smell is gone and I dont sleep with them anymore but I still keep them close by.

Where I am at

I really liked this list from Pip over at Meet Me at Mikes from last week and since there is lots of things swimming around my head but not much specific, I thought I would revisit it!

Making : plans for starting my own business
Cooking : my husband a simple dinner of chops and veggies at his request
Drinking : maybe a glass of wine with friends tomorrow night
Reading: Frankie and mixtape zine (both arrived this week)
Wanting: someone else to decide pavers or decking for our patio (and to do all the hard work!)
Looking: for a sign from Lola that she’s ok for us to have another baby
Playing: phone tag with my friend
Wasting: money on cars (still grr about that)
Sewing: maybe this mumu into a skirt for me or something for the dress-up box. It is a great colour but synthetic fabric is not so nice, hmm can’t decide!

Wishing: that I could have learnt these lessons without the pain
Enjoying: exploring the nearby mountain: cafes, shops, crafty delights, parks, hidden picnic spots
Waiting: for an appointment with a ‘top of his game’ obstetrician
Liking: Colouring in books for adults by Maria Rozalia Finna, super cute (loving the t shirts too!)
Wondering: if we will ever know the truth
Loving: my husband, he is a good sort
Hoping: my dream will soon be a reality
Marvelling: at the chocolatey goodness of dark chocolate tim tams
Needing: time, never enough time!
Smelling: our freshly washed clothes
Wearing: pre-preggo jeans (YAY)
Following: the weather (I LOVED the big storm the other night and the 7 hour blackout, seriously!)
Noticing: jackson is suddenly concerned about drawing things properly
Knowing: a mothers instincts are usually spot on!
Thinking: people are beginning to think that I should stop mentioning Lola's name, now that it has been nearly 4 months. I have noticed a couple of people recoil at the mention of her, like maybe enough is enough. I cant help it though she is still so much a part of my day to day life.
Bookmarking: Australian fabric designers
Opening: bills (BORING)
Giggling: at Millie’s stubbornness about going to sleep, she is banging her feet on the wall and yelling things out at me, like bum! Goodness knows who taught her that!
Feeling: grateful for all that is good in my life

The Secret

Once upon a time in the middle of winter the sun decided to shine bright and warm in the skies of Melbourne. The lovely sunny day inspired a brother and sister called Jackson and Millie and their Mummy and Daddy to explore the mountain so close to where they live. Jackson and Millie found a wonderful park with lots of new, fun things to play on. While the children were playing their mummy spotted a bridge hidden among the trees around the edge of the playground.
The family all held hands, and when nobody was looking, they sneakily went walking through the trees being as careful and quiet as possible, until they reached the bridge. While standing on the bridge the family looked around and realised they had found something special. Below the bridge was a busy, babbling creek, beyond the bridge was secret pathways, secret tunnels, secret staircases and the most exciting part of all... a little hut hidden amongst the scrub.
The family, again all holding hands and using their most quiet voice (which only those within a 1km radius could have heard) excitedly and maybe a little apprensively, approached the hut. When they reached it and walked inside they saw that it was much bigger than they first realised. Inside was a lovely big picnic table and chairs and a boarded up fireplace. The family sat at the table and dreamed of parties and picnics they could have in the secret hut hidden among the trees.
After a few minutes (or maybe it was hours) of playing in the secret hut hidden among the trees on the mountain, Jackson and Millie's mummy and daddy realised it was beginning to get dark and the warm, sunny day was becomming a cold and windy winter night. The family quietly and carefully made their way back to the playground making an extra special effort to ensure that nobody saw them leaving the cover of the trees so that their special secret place would stay a secret.
In the car on the way home the family decided that they were each allowed to tell only one person about their special secret place. You are so very lucky because I have chosen to tell you!

I like to laugh

Oops it is now 9 minutes past thursday so I am officially late with this post, lucky I cant sleep eh!

Reflecting on the last week, I have had lots of laughs and good times.
1. At my neices 1st birthday on saturday night, it made me giggle that everyone got to blow out the candles on the cake except the birthday princess herself!

2. I laughed out loud at this post on Liv unhinged

3. I laughed for ages at this pearler of a picture of my hubby!

You want inspiring?

A lovely lady wrote to me today and shared a quote with me

There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire,
which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which
kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.

-Washington Irving

I love that quote! I believe it to be true. She also reminded me of a blog I used to visit but havn't for a while, where she found this quote, The nie nie dialogues. THIS is inspiration my friends xxx

Thankyou Mary

Playsuits for summer

Too cute!

Where I am at

Making : a skirt for Millie using fabric from an old skirt of mine
Cooking : mushroom fritatta (power lunch)
Drinking : H2O
Reading: Marching Powder
Wanting: Lola Freedom from Belle and Boo Still havn't got around to buying it!
Looking: for a pot for my peace lily
Playing: Lover of little things playlist
Wasting: money on fixing cars (boring)
Sewing: things for little people
Wishing: things could have been different
Enjoying: my limited days as a stay at home mum
Waiting: for Millie to wake up so we can go shopping
Liking: playsuits for summer
Wondering: if someone will comt to the Rose st market with me on the weekend
Loving: spending days with friends
Hoping: I can turn my ideas into reality
Marvelling: at the kindness of friends
Needing: a getaway
Smelling: the roses
Wearing: teal
Following: my friends blogs
Noticing: cherry blossoms beginning to flower
Knowing: we are getting through these tough times and all will be well
Thinking: of a coffee in the very near future
Bookmarking: fabric wholesalers
Opening: school prospectus's
Giggling: at jackson putting a pen in the front of his shirt walking into Millie and saying "Millie this is integanisaring" (pretending to be a businessman maybe?)
Feeling: like I want to be pregnant again, dont worry it's not going to happen anytime soon!

From Meet me at mikes

Someone so tiny

Lately I have been feeling quite blown away by the impact that Lola, such a teeny, tiny little person who wasn't given the opportunity to take her first breath, has had on people far and wide. Of course she has had a massive impact on us, her family, but that, of course, would have happened if she had not died too. It is the impact on those outside our little family that has really amazed me.

This was particularly pertinent to us this weekend. Some family were in town that we havn't seen since Lola died. On our way home from dinner last night I mentioned to Bren that this person seemed the most happy, relaxed and confident that we have seen her. I mentioned this to her today and she said it was because of Lola. She said that since Lola died she has realised that life is too short to sweat the small stuff (my interpretation, cant remember her exact words as I was busy trying to hold back tears) and that she is feeling more happy and comfortable in her own skin than she has for a long time. It made me so happy to hear her say that. So happy for her that she has been able to make that change but also so happy that Lola's short little life had had enough of an impact on her to make her change her life for the better.

One thing I have felt really strongly about since Lola died is that I have not wanted her death to have been in vain. I wanted her life to be remembered, to bring about change and to have a positive impact on the world.

Hi

I am still here and we are doing ok. It is a little hard to talk about what is going on with us at the moment though, hence the silence. We have had a couple of setbacks over the last week but we will find our way.
I have a totally off-topic question - We need some things to decorate our walls, we have been in our house since September and have not done very much in the way of putting our own stamp on the place. We have so many neutral colours and lots of chocolate brown throughout the house. We need lots of bright and happy colour! Where do you get your art from? Do you have any interesting ideas for wall art? Please share, I know many of my readers have a great eye for this stuff! xx

I like to laugh

This is going to be my regular thursday post, so I can reflect on what is good in the world. I would also very much like to hear what has made you laugh each week too, if you would like to share!

I have sat staring at my computer screen for 10 minutes racking my brains trying to think of funny moments in the last week or so and I cant think of any! I do really like to laugh and I am sure that I will laugh tomorrow with some friends I am catching up with and at a family do we have on the weekend, I'll save them for next week. So maybe my laughs for this week will have to come from you! I am sure you have laughed in the last week and I really want to hear about it!

Life is beautiful

Life is beautiful
Life is ugly
Life is up
Life is down
Life is sweet
Life is sour
Life is precious and fragile and hard and easy and amazing and terrible.
Hold on tight, who knows what your next moment will bring!

I have been hiding from the world this week, living in a bubble. I havn't been able to talk to my friends or family lest they witness the awfulness. (I hope everyone understands) I think I will be braver this week. I have been gathering strength by being alone and I think, maybe, I can face what this week will throw my way.

I dont know if these people know the impact they have had on me but all those lovely letters, messages and emails I received this week build me back up just a little bit more. I'm not just saying it. It is the truth. New friends, Old friends, and Family make things better every day, thankyou xxx

I dream of Lola

I finally dreamt of Lola last night. I was wearing a baby bjorn type thing only you could fit two babies in there. I looked down and the sweet little little faces of my two girls were looking up at me. It was a lovely dream.

Image: Life is but a dream by Alicia Bock

Devastation

I cant tell you how devastated we are feeling right now. As the hours go by the sadness and missing grows. I didn't expect to be thrown right back into that pain we first felt three months ago. Knowing that Lola's death wasn't inevitable, that she was very nearly healthy and beautiful and in our arms were it not for some easily made but stupid decisions is breaking our heart.

Mad World by Gary Jules

Perfect and Beautiful xx

Gorecki by Scala and Kolacny Brothers

The Result

Today was the big day, the day I have been anticipating for what feels like forever. We had our appointment at the hospital to get the autopsy results. I wasn't a complete mess like I expected to be, I managed to have a clear mind and get all the information I wanted. I have another appoinmtent next tuesday as well though so if any more questions come to mind I have another opportunity to ask!

The result came back that I had a plancental abruption which means that 25% of the placenta had come away from the uterine wall which was probably caused by a clot behind the placenta. This meant that Lola's blood supply was compromised. We were told that the tests done on Lola showed that she was perfect and healthy. This part was a kick in the teeth to us.

The thursday before Lola died I started to bleed. We rushed into emergency and Lola and I were monitored and everything was fine but I was asked to return the next day for further monitoring. I turned up on the friday and was strapped onto the heart monitor. The midwife told me that she was very quiet and so they gave me something to eat to see if she would perk up. She didn't. They then said that I should go for a walk and have some lunch to see if that would make a difference. They then changed their mind and told me that actually they thought everything was fine. The nurse then took me through to another machine to check the fluid around the baby, her comment was 'oh it is past it's use by date in here' but then, again, she changed her mind and decided everything was ok. I was sent home. Sometime in the next 24 hours Lola died.

Those three things in combination with each other, 1. bleeding 2. slow heartbeat 3. low fluid levels around the baby, should have had me admitted to the hospital and been induced or at the very least an ultrasound and more monitoring. If this had of happened then I would be holding Lola in my arms right now! Why this didn't happen I dont know.

Very conveniently the records of my monitoring on that friday are not in my file! The doctor who talked to us today had no record of me visiting the hospital on that day. I saw him grimace when I told him what had happened and he admitted I should have been induced. That is part of the reason I have to go back next tuesday, he was going to attempt to locate the report from that day.

I feel so angry today. Stupid mistakes were made and the cost was my daughters life. It is such a waste. Why were these mistakes made? Were they too busy, not enough beds? Had they seen lots of women in exactly my situation and everything turned out fine? I have to take this further, it feels wrong to just let it slide, like I dont care. We will see what transpires next tuesday and then make decisions on what next.

Thankyou for all the supportive messages, emails and calls over the last few days, it helps so much xxx

The mind of a four year old?

Hmm Jackson just asked me the strangest question. I cant quite work out where he was coming from. He just walked into the office with a space book in his hand. The book was open to a page that had a big picture of a planet on it. Jackson asked 'Is this the earth when Lola died?' I had to ask him to repeat the question a few times as I didn't understand. I said 'Yes'. I didn't know what else to say but he was happy with that answer. Then as he was walking back towards the playroom he turned back and said 'It's just there to show us what it looked like isn't it?'

Inspired by Lola

Pre lola days there were many things I 'planned' or 'aspired' to do however more often than not I just never got around to it. Now in post lola days I have found I have a lot more drive to achieve things. Admittedly they are only small things but it is a definate change in me, less talking, more doing!
One such thing is using my sewing machine to 'make stuff'. I have been a busy little bee over the past couple of weeks making presents for the little people in my life. One of those little people had her birthday party today so I can share the fruits of my labour with you tonight. I was pretty proud of the end result given I am fairly new to this crafting business. I have included one of my pretty little princess modelling the finished product just because it is so cute!





She is pretty cute hey! The next shot is of that pretty little princess having a little tantrum! This photo was taken by her big brother. Probably not so cute to everyone else (always cute to me) but pretty funny!




This particular little tantrum was because I tried to take that little pink knitted cardigan off her because it was quite a bit too small. Anyway she ended up wearing it for the whole party! It really just wasn't worth the tears ; )