Putting it out there

There is no eloquent way I can think of to write how I am feeling so I'll just put it in the words that are most truthful but let me warn you it is not pretty, in fact it is pretty darn ugly. I feel shit! I am yearning for my baby daughter in a way I cant describe, it is pain and hurt and questions that can never be answered. I want to disappear into the literal black hole my head is already living in. I dont want to talk to anyone or see anybody I just want to be by myself so i can get better. I dont know if that would work though or if it would make me worse. I am functioning every day, my kids are happy and settled and understand that sometimes mummy cries because she misses Lola, if you see me or talk to me I am fine. It is in the moments that I stop for a minute and think of that sweet and beautifully perfect little face that this awful and overwhelming grief hurts my heart.