Saturday, September 19, 2009

Smack, bang


and I am down.
It hit me like a tonne of bricks again tonight, I dont have my baby girl Lola, she died, she died needlessly. Grief is a funny thing. I have been cruising along in sweet denial the last couple of weeks. Not daring to think of her. I have my strategies, I avoid phone calls, social occasions, friends, family. Then sometimes out of the blue it strikes me right here, in my heart and I cant push that pain away. I have to just feel it, let it overwhelm me, weep, listen to the song that reminds me of her, look at the photo's, try to recall the way her cheek felt against mine, allow my arms to ache.
Am I hurting myself by locking myself away from the world? I dont think I am, I think I am doing what I need to do to heal. All I can hope is that my friends and family will not hold it against me and will still be there when I am ready to join the world again.

Image: The heart that loved her

2 comments:

Melissa said...

oh honey. I so feel you. I am in tears reading your words. It hurts, so f'kin much. I wish I could take your pain away, but I know there is nothing I can do. Maybe we can work thru this together. I'm here for you always. I haven't even attempted to go back into the world yet, but I know I have to start, at least once the kids go back to school I will have to at least do the school run.
It hit me yesterday too. Owen would have been 6wks.
much love to you sweet, I'm here anytime you need xxxxxxx

benmaclil said...

Oh precious, I'm sorry. I'm here for you, any time, day or night, I know I'm probably not good at much else, but I can listen. Lola is dearly loved by all, and NEVER forgotten, I think of you all (and by all, I always mean 5) daily and wonder how you are doing. It was so lovely to talk to you the other day. You really are inspiring and I did read the blog you spoke of, truly amazing women, BOTH of you. Don't ever let anyone tell you anything different. Lola is a very special girl, I hope that soon you and Bren know exactly what her calling is x x x x