Oh my

I miss my baby girl so much. I just long to hold her. To see her getting all chubby and mobile and smiley. She should be here. We should be packing a bag for her for our holiday too. I HATE that she cant be here with us, her family.
Grief at this time of year is debilitating. I am just emotionally exhausted but there are so many obligations and expectations to be fulfilled.
Lola's tree is so pretty, we have been getting decorations to hang on it nearly every day but I want to show her the tree and explain where each decoration has come from.
Oh Lola, we love you and miss you every day xx

It feels a bit like Christmas

I have been trying so hard to give my kids the most wonderful Christmas ever this year. We have been hurtling through December at full speed with barely a moment to ourselves, hardly a moment to stop and think. We have been having a load of fun participating in all things Christmas. We have been feeling incredibly happy at times. However you just cant escape the obvious gaping whole in our family at this time of year, no matter how much you try.
This time last year we were dreaming of this Christmas with three babies, our complete family. I took a photo of the kids in our (empty) fireplace for our christmas card and planned on making that a tradition every year. We took the photo this year but I cant send it. It makes me too sad. Writing Christmas cards has just been an undoable task this year.
I have sunk. I am exhausted. I have hit a roadblock and feel miserable. It would be quite nice to go to bed tonight and wake up on boxing day.
We are leaving for our caravaning holiday on Christmas afternoon. This is exciting and scary at the same time. We are going to the same place as last year. It is the kind of place where all the same people turn up each year. It is a pretty special spot but again the fact that Lola is not there will be glaring us in the face. Our caravan neighbours will be expecting us to have our baby. That could be a bit awkward.
I hate to say a goodbye on such a sad note but this is where I am.
Our family is sending your family lots of happy wishes for Christmas. We really hope you have a fabulous Christmas, we will try our best to do the same too. Thankyou for all the continued support you have shown us this year. (The Christmas decorations arriving on our doorstep have put a big smile on our faces)
Goodbye for a few weeks our friends xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I learnt something today

You can run as fast as you possibly can for as long as you possibly can but it doesn't matter, the darkness, sadness, missing will always find you.

A new one today

This has been stuck in my head the last few days and not letting me sleep so I had to make it today in a minute while Millie was asleep! So very rough. Millie not so willing for photos either, poor princess that she is.

A busy bee is me

What do you think?

A tree for Lola

I told you about our special tree for Lola right?

I thought you might like to see some of the decorations on it.


From Lola's step-grandma



Made by Millie


Made by Jackson


From my friend Chantelle. She is super nice and her blog is so pretty (think I may have already mentioned that ; )) AND she is having a HUGE giveaway on her blog at the moment, you should definitely enter!


From Daddy. He went off on his own, of his own accord and bought this. (The plate at the bottom says 'Always in my heart') Made my heart melt and bought a tear to my eye. Gosh darn it he is a sweet daddy xx

What?

I still have moments of thinking "What the hell? I cant believe this happened to ME!"
Because this happened to me I feel like a walking target. If that could happen to ME what else could happen.
I miss my baby girl, Lola.
I wish I could talk to her.
I'd tell her I miss her like crazy, that I am never not thinking about her. I'd tell her she is beautiful and special and loved.
And I might read her a Charlie and Lola book, probably our favourite one.

Does she look like this?



Or this?


p.s. I am thinking of my dear friends Jose and Scott tonight and their family. I hope with all my heart that everything is ok xxxxxxxxx

Passing it on

The following was given to me by my SIDS and kids counsellor and I found it really helpful. I copied it out for some friends of mine and thought I may as well post it here while I am at it.

*Quick note: it is really nice and thoughtful to include the baby or child that has died in a Christmas card. If you dont mention the babies name or anything about what has happenned it feels to the family like you have forgotten about her or that you would really just rather not mention that unpleasant business again!*

This was given to me by SIDS and Kids but it is in the Queensland newsletter for SANDS (December 2004)

25 suggestions to help the newly bereaved

1. Buy tissues

2. Dont worry about decorations. If you want to place a few decorations around, do. If you dont want to, dont.

3. Spend time with a few close friends or family members and share fond memories of your child.

4. Dont tire yourself out shopping for long periods of time like perhaps you used to do. You have less emotional and physical energy now.

5. Consider getting away for Christmas - to a hotel, the beach or someplace else.

6. Remember Christmas signifies hope - Jesus was born to set the captives free and bring peace. This is the real meaning of Christmas, not presents, glitter or who can bake the best cookies.

7. Treat yourself kindly

8. Consider online shopping for gifts.

9. Breath in the night air and search the sky for bright stars.

10. Dont feel you should or must go to every function you get invited to.

11. Spend time writing about your child.

12. Buy candles in childs favourite colour and light them in her memory

13. Hug those you love

14. Write a card to another bereaved parent or sibling

15. Rent a funny movie and laugh

16. Talk to another bereaved parent about the loneliness you feel

17. Make a banner that says 'we miss you (insert child's/babies name) this christmas' and hang on your front porch. Neighbours will be reminded of your child and perhaps realise it is a sad season for you.

18. Compose a letter or poem to your child

19. Dont expect to feel like you used to. There is a clear void in your life now.

20. Reach out to someone who is needy. It always feel good to give to someone less fortunate

21. Know that every christmas after this one will be less tough

22. Dont feel like you have to keep up with old traditions. If you dont want to send cards this Christmas then dont.

23. There never is nor ever will be the 'perfect' christmas. Be reminded that even when your child was living, there were flaws in this season. Your neighbours who seem to 'live the easy life' will not have a stress free holiday.

24. Create a new tradition in honour of your child- serious or silly- so that you are including him/her in a unique way during this month

25. Buy a gift for someone in memory of your child.

This was in the December issue of the SIDS and Kids newsletter. It was written by a real mother and the issues raised are directly related to her family but I think it is a good starting point.

The letter:

Dear Friends and Family,

This message is to say a heartfelt thanks to you all for acknowledging all of our four girls this year, whether by writing all their names in a card to us or by simply acknowledging that we have four daughters and not three.

Christmas is a real challenge for any bereaved parents and this, our fifth Christmas in these shoes is no exception. Despite knowing that this time of year may catch us unawares and knowing that we will never stop being bereaved parents, today, I unexpectantly experienced the breathtaking sadness and tearful disappointment that comes when someone makes an unfortunate comment or action that seems to show that, to them at least, Ron and I only have three children, or, that lija never was, or isn't part of our family today. This unpleasant experience in turn made me appreciate you very dear people who continue to mention Lija's name from time to time, to write in your Christmas cards to us amongst the other girls names, to remember her birthday or to have a small gift for her. These things are vital in keeping a bereaved parent going in a time when tears are never far away and the happiness of Christmas is mixed in with sadness.

So, whether you remember and acknowledge all our girls because it just seems right to you to do so and not miss any of them out, whether you do so because we have asked you to, or whether you think we are nuts and you are prompted by the fear that you'll be attacked while you sleep if you dont mention Lija (ha ha!!!!) doesn't matter. What matters is that you are showing our family that you have the courage to follow our lead in knowing what is right for us and what we need in order to survive this time of year. You are also showing us that you respect and acknowledge all our girls and that you care for us as a family.

So, thankyou! May Christmas bring some lovely memories and experiences to you all.

Regards,

(Parents names) and all four girls

I hope this helps! Much love and hugs and thoughts for those that are finding this time hard.

So many words

So many words on my blog lately, time for some photo's!!

I have some time up my sleeve, admittedly there is a million things I should be doing but anyways...

A favourite of Millie


A favourite of the two together


My all-time favourite wedding photo


Another favourite wedding photo


My all-time favourite photo of Jackson (taken by my lovely friend Davina Hurst, starring her just as lovely baby girl)

A good place

Today, at this moment, this rollercoaster has me in a good place. I am feeling the absence of Lola very much this festive season but I am also feeling ... I dont know? Acceptance? Calm? Peace?
A lot of what has been eating me up in recent months has been others reactions to me, our family, our ways of expressing our grief, our journey through this grief, others judgements and opinions on how or what we are doing to heal. So few people have an understanding of how we are feeling, more people show compassion but many judge! I care a lot less about this now.
I have realised that our love for Lola is unconditional, as a parents love should be, but this also means that our love transcends life. It isn't conditional on her being alive. The same way that we have a need to show our love for Jackson and Millie, we need to find ways to show our love for Lola too. That is what we are doing this festive season, actually that is what we will do forever.

Do you want to help someone who has lost a baby/child?

I thought I would come up with a list of sugestions as this is a common question/concern

Early Days

Send a card (one of the sweetest cards I received said congratulations on the birth of your baby, sorry she couldn't stay), I have kept every single one I received and look over them often as it is solid concrete evidence that yes, she did exist. Dont worry if you think it has been too long before you managed to get around to it, it is nice to still receive a card a month or even two after the birth.

If you bought a gift for the baby before she was born I would suggest still giving it to the family as, again, they are something tangible that can be held and added to the memory box.

If you can cook then definitely cook a meal that can be frozen for the family in a disposable container. Frozen meals are a godsend in the weeks following. Maybe a lasagne or soup?

Rather than always asking the father how his wife is going, check with him that he is ok too. The focus always seems to be on the mama's but the papa's are suffering too!

Send a message or email or letter to let them know you are thinking of them. It is quite nice to also add that you aren't expecting a reply unless they would like to talk, it takes a bit of the pressure off you know?

Dont put any pressure or expectations on the family for a while as it can add a lot of extra stress. Social situations are so difficult for reasons you will never understand unless you have been through it too. At the same time though still invite the parents out or catch up the same as you always would just dont take it personally if they say no (or cancel) more than once.

Chocolate biscuits are good too!

Some of the best support I have received has been the gentle, quiet but consistent support on the sidelines. I have a few friends that regularly send supportive sms's or emails, dont expect anything in return but just letting me know they are there, they casually let me know and invite us to any gatherings but truly, honestly have no expectations and dont hold any grudges.

Six months plus

Understand that special events (birthdays, christmas etc.) are usually hard and a stark reminder that their baby is missing. Let the parents know that you understand this. If it is appropriate and you feel comfortable doing so maybe find a small way to include the babies memory like a candle burning or another cute thing a friend of mine did was having a lolly bag for the baby (although admittedly I ate the Lindt chocolate block, you know because that is what Lola would have wanted ; ), I did put the little clip in Lola's memory box though).

When mentioning the baby use her/his name, the same way you would if the baby was still here. Even though the baby has died mama's (and papa's) like to talk about their babies just as much as if they were here and hearing their name spoken is nice. (although if the parent changes the subject quickly go with that, maybe it is a hard day)

Chocolate cake is good! It cures many ails!!

Maybe send a card on a significant anniversary or at a time you know is tough.

If the mama or papa cries let them feel like that is ok, dont make them feel bad about being sad and crying. Dont take their crying personally, you didn't make them cry (unless you said something hideous but if you are reading this I am sure you wouldn't have done that), they are crying because their baby died.

Ask the parents how things are going and be interested in the answer.

If the parents have gone out and are having a good time and are smiling and laughing let that be ok too. It's ok to have good time sometimes right?

Understand that it takes a really long time to heal from the trauma of losing a baby/child. Be patient with the parents. Love them.

Again, I cant emphasise enough, to not put pressure on the parents to be up to socialising. Grieving is really exhausting, it takes up most of the brain space and what is left over is mostly taken up by getting through day to day. When you do see them keep in mind that they will quite possibly be very vague and maybe sigh a lot,
please dont take this personally, it really isn't because of you, their baby died remember.

Finally, Oh my goodness, you must be a super duper special friend if you managed to read all the way to the end of that huge list!!! It is an awful lot isn't it! I know there are wonderful friends and family out there who want to know these things though, I know because lots of them have asked for a list of tips just like this! I think it is worth sticking by the babyloss parents through this tough time though because when they get to a place of peace and acceptance they will be an extra generous, life loving, thankful friend!

(If you are a babyloss parent and would like to add anything to this list then feel free to email me)

Do you know how I can add a link to this post over there to the right? I thought it might be useful to have a direct link rather than having to search for it!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A tree for Lola

We have two christmas trees this year.
A family tree AND another little tree just for lola.
The kids made little decorations for her, I am making one for her and my step mum had one made for her. Another blogland friend is sending one for her. (Check out her blog, it is soo pretty)
I am hoping our family include Lola in our christmas celebrations. I have realised that that is the best way I will get through Christmas, if she is remembered in some way, her name is mentioned and it is recognised that one important, special little person is missing. Even if this happens I cant promise I wont cry a few tears but that's ok right? Surely it is ok for a mumma to cry a few tears for her baby that is not with her at Christmas, one less stocking hanging, no presents needing to be bought for her, one less child to make happy on THE day that is all about the little people.
Those tears will be about missing, acceptance, happiness, sadness, one less, innocence/naivety lost, appreciation, remembrance.

p.s.(There is a little butterfly flying around outside the window right by where I am writing this, Lola says Hi!)

Lesson learnt, but OUCH!!

I have heard theories like this thrown about before and not paid them much heed. Nothing surprises me now though.
I spent all of yesterday at work trying to find the smallest excuse to just go home. I didn't want to be there, my head wasn't in the right space, I felt low. I didn't have any particular reason that I could pin this feeling too so I just kept going through the day daydreaming of being in the sanctity of my home, particularly my bed. The thought of burying my head in my pillow curled up under my covers seemed like heaven.
At 6am this morning I rolled over in bed and somehow I pulled a muscle in my neck and shoulder. Despite all my plans of visiting people today and running around all over town, I have spent the entire day in bed dosed up on painkillers unable to do a thing!
Interesting huh! Did my subconscious make this happen to force me to take this time out from... well everything?

Happy Birthday Mr President

Happy Birthday Brendon (President of the Kinder parent committee ; ))

We hope your day is lovely, we plan on spoiling you lots, you deserve it my love!

Thanks for being an amazing dad to your three babies

Thanks for being a wonderful husband

Thanks for making us breaky every day

Thanks for always putting us first

Thanks for holding me up when things are horrible

Thanks for sharing your grief and pain with me so I dont feel so alone and letting me support you too

Thanks for being brave and kind and caring and loving. Thanks for being the generous and funny and thoughtful man that you are

I love you

A generous spirit

This journey of Baby loss has been a crazy ride. I have lost a few friends along the way but also gained many. I feel like I have my own team of cheerleaders on the sidelines cheering me on, encouraging me, supporting me and sometimes catching me when I fall. One such person, who has been there from the very start, held a party for her boys 4th birthday a couple of weeks ago. It was great fun and a lovely way to finish a spectacular weekend of parties with friends we love.
As we were leaving, the kids were very lucky to be given little party bags to take home, they were super excited about that (their second for the weekend!). Our friend then came over to me and gave me a party bag that she had made especially for Lola! I was so touched!
This friend, Liv, is an inspirational mum on a rollercoaster journey of her own. Liv and her amazing little boy, Elliott, inspire us every day. They are special people that we feel blessed to have in our life.

Christmas on my mind

As christmas approaches (only one month today!!) I have been trying to prepare myself for what could be a hard time. I dont mean that I am expecting it to be hard but rather trying to think of ways to make it less so. I am a lover of all things Christmas, I'd like it to stay that way, so I have been trying to think of ways to make it less hard for Brendon and I and just as enjoyable for all those around us. Woah, where to start?
Ultimately having Lola here would be the best arrangement possible, but kinda out of reach. The next best thing is to have her here in other ways, to make her a part of what would have been her first Christmas. I have been busy sewing Chrissy decorations for the grandparents. They are quite big so noone can really miss them when hanging on the tree...


My Aunty Leanne bought us a Christmas snow globe that we can bring out every year, this is Lola's special Christmas decoration.


As a family we will buy a present, age appropriate for Lola, and put it under the Kmart Christmas tree.

I plan on going gently this year, not having too many expectations on myself. If there are tears then so be it, I've learnt that holding them in just makes it worse. I am allowed to be sad that my tiny girl isn't with her family for her first Christmas.

Do you have any ideas on how to remember those little people that are not here, but should be? Or how to get through the festive season when there is someone 'tiny' missing?

A greater purpose, if you will

Do you ever feel like there is something big you have to do but you just havn't figured out what it is yet? I have this feeling in my heart right now. It is so strong I can barely think of anything else. I feel like I am just on the edge of discovering what it is, like it is on the tip of my tongue. Do you ever feel like this too?

Image: The Edge

I now know that Lola is ok. The message finally came through in a way that I could hear it and understand it.
I am a happy mumma.

What's up buttercup (2)

Made: singlet for a little friend of mine as an interim pressie till I finish her fabric dollhouse


and homemade, reuseable wrapping paper (callico)


Making: fabric dollhouse

Challenged: by these bloody fabric dollhouses!

Realising: that I am smack bang average in my grieving! I have been thinking I am crazy and totally not coping the way others do. SIDS and kids sent me a whole lot of reading on grief. This reading has shown me that every single thing I was worried about is completely normal for a mumma who has lost her baby. Even my darkest and scariest thoughts are NORMAL. I am also realising who it is safe to talk to about Lola and who it is not safe to talk to.

Visited and now in love with: Thread Den

Reminiscing: about the super fun weekend we just had. Two very special little people had their birthday parties on the weekend and I got to spend two days in a row with some of my favourite people.

Cared for: by my family. My mum came and spent last week with us and my aunty is coming to spend this week with us. This kind of TLC is just what the doctor ordered.

Love: receiving letters from people touched by our story. After the one I received today (and the lovely gift accompanying it) I suspect Lola may be trying to get a message through to me.

A new role: Bren and I decided we wanted to have a hand in the running of our childrens kinder so attended the AGM last night. He is the president and I am the secretary. Bren is excited because he thinks he might be able to boss me around a bit now, that makes me laugh lots!

Wondering: if I will take this next step

Dreaming: of starting my own creative business

Hoping: to meet my friend M one day so I can give her the hug I keep wishing I could give. She knows what I know

Thinking back: to a more innocent time when I didn't know. Gosh I took things for granted. I am grateful for the lessons I have learnt funnily enough but they come at such a price.

Bargain: my new craft space just purchased on ebay for such a bargain!


Looking: for somewhere to get my tattoo done. A friend designed it for me. (Isn't it amazing how you can have friends now that do lovely things for you even though you have never met!)

Anticipating: fun to be had at crafternoon, it is finally here! (well in 5 days but that is super close compared to a month away when it was organized)

Amazed: by my lovely and brave husband for writing about losing our tiny girl from his point of view. I know it was hard for him but a fathers voice is rarely heard in this journey. He is pretty wonderful.

Touched: by a letter I received from Pip". She referred to Lola as my 'tiny girl'. I like that very much. She will always be my tiny girl.

Missing: my tiny girl. Always.

Hi there

Feeling brighter, feeling happier!

xxx

(how cute are these sunglasses! I bought them for Millie for christmas but I am thinking about giving them to myself for christmas instead, she can inherit them from me)

Secret Garden Meeting for this month

Where are you at in your grief?
I think I am pretty close to rock bottom at the moment. I have never known grief and depression like what I am feeling right now. I thought the first few months were as bad as it would get and I was coping quite well at that time. The last month or so I have cried every day and I am barely getting by each day.

Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby.
It has been 6 months

How are you feeling.
As above I am not feeling good but I am at a point now where I know I need help to find a way through this. Finally today I contacted SIDS and Kids. They were lovely. I will have a consellor come to my home and support me.

How do you hope you will feel in the future.
I really want to find a way to live in this world without Lola. I dont want to just be surviving, I want to live. I want to be the best mother I can be, the best friend I can be, the best daughter, aunty, grand daughter, sister-in-law. It has been all about me the last few months.

Have you found any peace at all?
Not yet, I really want to though and hope it isn't too far away.

Secret Garden

From Brendon's point of view

Kristalee has been asking me for a while now to write a "guest post" for her blog, so here goes.

Let me start by saying a big thank you to everyone for your support and words over the last 6 months. The passing of our beautiful little girl Lola has been the hardest thing we both have ever had to deal with, and with out the support we've had, i don't know where we'd be.

There hasn't been a day go by that I haven't thought about my little girl. There has been a day go by where I haven't cried. Each day seems to get tougher, then things get good, and go down again. I try to occupy myself with making/doing things since this all happened, and have managed to convince Kristalee to let me try to build things, and seeing as I have absolutely no experience, she's been very brave!

If any positive has come out of the passing of my little angel, it's the strength we've gained as a couple, and as a family, to support each other, and have a greater understanding of patience for each other, and this goes full circle with all 4 of us. I've noticed a big change in Jackson and Millie, and the way that we now show so much love and affection to each other, we always did before, but now more so, I just wish we didn't have to go through this!

I can remember when Kristalee told me she was pregnant with Lola. I was immediately happy, although it wasn't a planned pregnancy, I couldn't help but be happy! I was also nervous though after what happened after Millie's birth, but knew that Kristalee would be monitored closely, so wasn't too concerned. As the pregnancy progressed I took things for granted, I didn't go to every appointment or monitoring like I did with Jackson and Millie, something I now deeply regret, as I thought "I've heard the heartbeat, soon I'll be seeing her, it's all good!" I wish I was there for everyone, as I now know, that they were the only chances I was to have to hear my little angels heart beat.

I still remember vividly being in the hospital when we found out her heart had stopped beating, I was trying so hard to be strong for Kristalee to hold her up and be support, but I was completely breaking apart. I can still remember the Dr doing the ultrasound and moving around, and seeing my little angels body, but not the pulsing of her heart anymore. I knew straight away she was gone, in a way, I knew before we walked in to that room, but I felt I had to stay strong. I have never felt so weak in my life as the moment when the doctor told us there wasn't a heartbeat. I was shocked, I couldn't work it out, we were 41 weeks into the pregnancy, this can't happen, I should be holding her.

As time has gone on the numbness has worn off and the real grief has set in, which has caused me to lose focus on so many things, but also appreciate and cherish the important ones.

Over the time since then I've gone through all the stages of grief. I sincerely apologise to all of my family and friends for not being in touch, or returning phone calls, or being me. Since this time I have noticed a large part of me has gone, I feel like I have somehow lost my social skills, and I'm sorry if I seem strange, I'm still me, please bear with me.

I also apologise to my colleagues. Since this happened, I have quite possibly been one of the worst workers going around. Anything I do is done poorly, and I've had no dedication and focus, and generally when I do, I start thinking about her, and I have to walk off and have some quiet time, to think, reflect and cry, so productivity is poor!

This last month or so has been really hard. My brother and his wife have had a beautiful little girl, and I'm so happy for them, but at the same time, I'm saddened because I don't have mine. I held her for the first time on Sunday at my mum's birthday. I was extremely apprehensive about the day, and avoided looking at her as long as I could, because I knew I would cry as soon as I did. When people started to arrive, I took her for a cuddle in another room, and cried. I appreciated it so much when my brothers wife came in and gave me a hug and told me it was okay!

The last week has been tough, as tomorrow, November 5th at 11.56 AM, Lola would have been exactly 6 months old, there's so many thoughts I have about development of where she'd be at, and what she'd be doing, and I can't stop thinking about it.

All we really ask of everyone, and I don't mean to sound morbid,is whoever you have in your life, cherish them and love them, and tell them, because before you know it, it can be taken away

Please continue to be patient like you all have been, it means the world to us, and we'll come back to being ourselves again

What's up buttercup?

Making: Christmas decorations with Lola embroidered on them for the grandparents.

Made: Pretty dress for my neice and birthday cakes galore




Attempting: Fabric Dollhouses

Random act of kindness: Cupcakes for my husbands workmates and a couple of other secret ones

Thinking: Of Lola on the 6 month anniversary of her death

Wishing: My Mother-in-law and my neice a happy birthday

Hoping: to find a way to make peace with Lola's death

Dreaming: of our summer holiday by the beach

Questioning: the meaning of all this. What is the point when our lives can be taken away so easily? I mean life is good and all but it is gone in the blink of an eye

Watching: Up

Recently discovered: Kikki k (I know I am slow on this one but OMG so many cute present ideas) and Provincial, I want the whole shop as my house!

Appreciating: my family and some super special friends

Looking forward: to our first crafternoon

Inspired by: Pip Lincolne and Sheye Rosemeyer

Wishing: For happiness not tinged with sadness and guilt

Waiting: for an email from a clairvoyant. (I am driving myself crazy checking my email every other mintue)

Realising: I need help to work through the darkness

Wanting: all those in my life to smile and love and laugh and appreciate and I want to be a better person

Playing: Hooky on thursday from work because it is the 6 month anniversary of Lola being born still. We are going to the chapel where her funeral was held for some peace and perspective

Loving: unleashing my creativity

Not loving: negativity and nastiness

Thanking: those people brave enough to witness my pain for a moment in their day. Your generosity in putting yourself in my shoes for just a moment is AMAZING

Truth

I have this idea in my head that I dont want my blog to be depressing, I want it to be a story of triumph, mother love and happiness. BUT this is a blog about the death of my daughter so excuse my french but that is f@#$%!n depressing. Losing Lola has been the hardest thing I have ever had to live through but hard in ways I didn't expect as well as the ways you would expect. I am struggling to maintain the relationships in my life, my social skills seem to have left me, I always say the wrong thing because my head is so full of pain I cant think straight or remember things. I get text messages and forget the very next second thus people become upset with me. I have lost the filter that allows me to think before I speak. It is like my mind is moving through mud, it cant keep up with my mouth. I am completely self absorbed in that I dont notice or think of the things I should be doing. For example my mother in law is turning 60 next week. Her party has been organized with no help from me. I didn't even know it was happening until we got a phone call saying be here at this time. It didn't even occur to me to ask what needed to be done! I guess people are trying to be understanding but everyone has their limit. I wonder if the relationships in our life will survive this. I think the thing that will make it hard for others to understand is that we are getting worse right when people expect us to be getting better. The first couple of months I think people were thinking we were doing really well and coping and we were but the shock of all this has finally disappeared. I can see how shock is a great self-preservation tool but it is also cruel in that right now when we need the most support is right when it is dwindling or we feel like we no longer have a right to ask for that support or to be given those allowances.

These are the reasons I would really like to live in the woods just me, Bren, Jackson, Millie and Lola. No need to see people, answer the phone, no expectations until I am able to find some kind of peace with this hand we have been dealt.

My advice for you today is to hold your babies tight, take a moment every day to appreciate their amazingness, remember what is important (i.e.bugger worrying about your pelvic floor jump on the trampoline WITH your kids, they love it) and never ever take them for granted.

At work today

I was rummaging around in my pencil case and pulled out a piece of paper I had doodled all over before I finished work to go on maternity leave. It had three names written on it:

Jackson James
Millie Patricia
Xavier Brendon

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm because we were pretty sure Lola was a girl, we planned for a girl. I dont remember writing this or even thinking it.

Dont forget ...

Today is 'Good Friday' so put your thinking cap on and maybe do a Random Act of Kindness. If you do think of something please tell me about it, I'd love to hear! I will do the same

Thankyou

Thankyou for bringing Chocolate cake
Thankyou for that great big warm hug
Thankyou for a teapot just for me
Thankyou for insisting on watching six kids while I duck down to the shops
Thankyou for emails
Thankyou for beautiful cards
Thankyou for wanting to see the photo's
Thankyou for my gorgeous necklace
Thankyou for being there
Thankyou for being a friend

Image from Etsy 'Group Hug' by barkingbirdart

Time to cheer up

Oh I have been sad! More sad than I have ever felt in my whole life. I have cried many many tears in the last few weeks and I even spent one whole day in bed because I couldn't bear to face the world. Every other day in the last few weeks I have wished i could spend the whole day in bed. Smiles were few and far between and not even my two lovely smiling, breathing babies could make things better. My friends and family have been patient, checking in every now and then but the truth is noone can make this better, it is just stuff I have to work through by myself, I need that time by myself. A couple of months ago one of our very close friends said to me about our loss of Lola "This is the worse thing that has happened to someone we know, we are here for you for as long as it takes, if it takes 10 years that's fine. Whatever you need us to do, that is what we will do." True to his word that is exactly what they have done and many of our other friends, they have listened to what we need and respected that, be it space, distraction, a shoulder to cry on, photo's, a night out, anything. True Friends!

I want to be happy though, I want to be a 'cup is half full' kinda gal. I know we still have some tough times to come but right now, at this moment, I am actively finding ways to cheer up! It started with reading my horoscope on Sunday. I cant remember the exact words but it was something along the lines of "unleash your potential, something great is still to come for you". Then on Monday I had a great session with one of my students, he inspires me and helping him makes me happy. I also found a new blog by another babyloss mama called Still life with circles. This lady has started a 'Random acts of Kindness' project called 'Good Friday'. On friday she goes above and beyond the norm to do something kind for somebody and encourages others to do the same. I really, really love this idea and plan on participating. Doing something extra special for somebody does make me feel good so I'm doing it! I plan on making stuff too, that makes me really happy, to create! And I am going to ask my friends for some of their time, because they make me happy too, being with them makes me feel loved, strong and inspired.

"Oh, I can see a glass half full!"

5 months and 1 week ago I believed I was surviving the worst I will have to ever face. I thought "If I can get through today I will be one day closer to recovering from this great loss". I thought I was doing ok. Yes it was hard and awful but I still smiled sometimes, I still enjoyed my life in between the times I wasn't. I thought 5 months ago was the depths of my grief. In all honesty it has been a slippery slope down since that time, particularly the last few weeks. The shock was buffering the pain. Slowly but surely the shock is diminishing and the reality of this loss is setting in. This is harder, now, trying to move on with my life but without a clue how to get through this terrible ache deep within me. I wonder when I will be strong enough to start climbing out of this hole?

5 months and 2 weeks ago I didn't know pain, I didn't know sadness, I didn't know this whole other part of life called grief. I had never experienced it, I had never witnessed it. Is grief and loss hidden in our society or was I just blind to it? A friend I work with told me of another culture where a funeral is not held until 12 months after death. The family are given 12 months to come to terms with their loss before they have to really say goodbye.

I do not know what to do with this grief and sadness and despair.

Quiet?

I am sick of the sound of my own whingy voice at the moment. Things are just not getting better and I am having more bad days than good. I can't write about it or talk about it. I miss my baby girl and nothing can make that better at the moment. I can just hide and hope for a better day tomorrow.

100 posts

I have been debating whether or not 100 posts is something to celebrate. I am still not sure. If Lola had not died then this blog would not exist. On the other hand some very special things have come about because of this blog and without it and the support I have received because I have had this outlet, I am not sure I would be coping half as well as I am.

Thankyou for supporting my family!

(While the words are mine, I am often speaking for both Brendon and I and I know Bren appreciates all the support we receive through the blog too. We are in negotiations for him to do a guest post. He is interested but with the current market in mind his price is just too high!)

That which must not be spoken of

I was wrong when I said I didn't think I had the emotional strength to do my job anymore. I slipped right back into my role easily. One look at the two littlies I will be working with and I was smitten.

Starting back at work WAS hard but for different reasons. Questions! So many questions!
Do you have any children?
How many children do you have?
How come you had 6 months off?
Oh, the lady you are replacing left to have a baby! (I know! We left at the same time, she was due 2 weeks after me and has a lovely baby girl)
I didn't really realise this before but all anyone seems to talk about in primary schools is who is pregnant, who has a baby, how many children you have. Which is fine normally, I like talking about those things.

Yesterday however I spent the whole day feeling like I wanted to vomit everytime any of those things were mentioned hoping none of theose questions would be directed at me. I HATE that. I hate that Lola has to become my dirty little secret. It hurts so so much that I cant mention her. She was a full term baby and if she was here you can bet your bottom dollar I would have proudly been talking about my 5 month old (it was 5 months yesterday).

Why does what happened to us have to be swept under the carpet? Would it have been different if she had taken her first breath? If she had survived a few weeks? I have been made to feel like it is offensive for me to mention her as my third baby that I gave birth to just 5 months ago. I think it is horribly unfair that women who have lost a baby are not allowed to mention that baby so as to not make others feel uncomfortable. You know what, too bad if it makes you uncomfortable or it's too in your face. You can bet your life that actually being the mother or father to a baby that died is a million times worse!

A Play in the Park for Lola

Sunday was totally special, amazing and wonderful. Lots of friends, laughter, playing and loving our little people.

We raised $370 for the Bonnie Babes Foundation, donated in Lola's name.

Everyone checked out the gorgeous album of Lola photo's (so much better printed out) and I believe they made the day so much more special!


I actually forgot my camera on the day (I know, how bad am I!) but one of our wonderful friends sent me through some. This is the only one I can post as the others have children in them that dont belong to me.

Sunday (and the weeks leading up to it), gave me a great boost of strength for starting back at work yesterday. (I really needed it!)

So THANKYOU to all the wonderful people who followed through on their promise for a photo, all the amazing friends and family who showed up and made us smile on Sunday, who donated money to Bonnie Babes in Lola's name AND brought yummy things to share. We are so lucky to have YOU in our life!
All our love, Kristalee, Brendon, Jackson, Millie and Lola xxxxx

Dont forget

This sunday it is all happenning.

I promise this is a happy day, you dont have to worry about seeing sad faces because there wont be any. I would love to meet you. I am making the best chocolate mud cupcakes with pink icing. Only bring something if you love baking and have the time and inclination to do so. No pressure on that either, this is as laid back an afternoon as possible!!



Let’s spend an afternoon together

Let’s share some home baked goodness

Let’s enjoy our children

Let’s meet at a super fun park

Let’s help those who are not as lucky as we are

We will be at the Montrose Community Playground (Mount Dandenong Tourist Road Melways ref 52 D8) on Sunday the 4th of October from 2pm and would love to meet you. Bring some food to share, if you want to. I will also have a jar to collect any spare change you may want to donate to Bonnie Babes foundation, if you want to. But, really, the point of this gathering is to remember what is important in your life.
Kristalee, Brendon, Jackson, Millie and Lola xxxx

Todays Wrap Up

Firstly some lovely Lola pictures

This one was taken by a friend who lives in the south/west of W.A. Nearly all our family holidays when I was little were taken down there. It is far and away my most favourite part of the world. Ahh, I want to go there now!


A view


How do you feel after spending time with a group of your closest girlfriends? I always walk away from an evening/afternoon/day with them feeling so happy and lucky and inspired and excited. I had a very fun evening with a few of the girls tonight. I love that we all talk hurriedly so we can fit as much into the evening as possible and drag it out as long as we can. We make lots of plans to catch up again soon but we never see each other nearly enough. I love that I walk away from those evenings with sore cheeks from smiling and laughing so much. I love that my friends inspire me.

Tonight was even more special because it was a Meet Me At Mikes workshop. I love love love all things Meet Me At Mikes, the book, the blog and the shop. I was so excited about meeting Pip Lincoln and learning Gocco. Pip was absolutely lovely and I was completely starstruck! So silly! I really wanted to chat craft and blogs but instead came over all shy! How are you around people you admire? Hopefully braver than me!

More people thinking of Lola

From my gorgeous friend visiting New Zealand


These three photo's all came from the one family. Parents and two kids all thinking of our lovely Lola. How Wonderful xx





Playtime

Happy Monday or not so happy Monday?

I am a ball of contradiction today! I am so happy that I will be able to include Lola in such a beautiful way on Sunday. The photo's I have received so far are just lovely. (There is still plenty of time to get a photo to me if you would like to, I just need enough time to have it printed for Sunday) Thankyou everybody for thinking of Lola.

On the other hand, today is the start of my very last week of maternity leave so I am very anxious about what is to come. When Lola was first born I thought giving myself 5 months off work was generous. I thought I would be well on the way to healing by now. The reality is, I am not. I am still hurting and missing her so much. By giving myself 5 months off I feel like the end of next week is my deadline, it is time to move on now. I now realise that is never going to happen but I do need to learn to live with the hurt and missing.

More love for Lola

Wildflowers in Canada


Can you spot Lola's name in the message?


Packing up time and look what transpired


I've spoken about the little gang of girls we have in our group of friends and how I had looked forward to seeing them all, including Lola, growing up together. It was poignant to see the next two little girls playing alongside Lola's name. Much Love
Ella and Lola

Evie and Lola


Gorgeous

Love for Lola

So clever from my cousin. I hope you can see it, the stars spell Lola


My best friends lovely children


A family effort by my Uncle, Aunty and cousins, sweetness


p.s. The deck is useable for tomorrow! Yay!! Only a few finishing touches to put on to it. Brendon was amazing today, so proud of him and what he did xxx