Is a grieving mother allowed to feel excited? 1 month and 2 days after her daughter has died? I didn't think so. I thought I would still be living in a cave of darkness and pain, some days I still am there, but today I am excited and subsequently feeling guilty about that excitement!
Lovely friends of ours are having an engagement party at a bar in the city tonight so we have booked a hotel, the kids and our puppy are having a sleepover at Nanna's and I have a new dress to wear. I get to drink Champagne with our fabulous friends and, well, I am a bit partial to a few champagnes. All things to be excited about under normal circumstances.
This is my first social engagement since Lola died. It could potentially be a disaster for us. I still look a bit pregnant and my dress doesn't exactly hide my belly. What if someone asks when I'm due? Or asks me how many children I have? We had planned to only go for a couple of hours as I would be breastfeeding a teeny little bubba, what if the thought of this makes me sad while out in public. I am not keen on a public display of grief.
I am going to be positive about tonight though. It is a good opportunity for my husband and I to go out and have a great time with our friends, something we havn't been able to do for about two years because I have been pregnant then breastfeeding and then pregnant again for all that time. Wish me luck!!