Saturday, June 6, 2009

So what now

Originally I set up this blog just as a way to share Lola's birth story and photo's but now I think I will also use it as a space to get stuff out of my head. I feel like talking about Lola every single day and telling everyone I meet that I had a baby girl 1 month ago but it is just not that simple. At least in this space, even if noone is reading, I feel like I am meeting that need just a littlle bit.

So Lola would have been one month old yesterday. To almost everyone else yesterday was a day just like any other. Brendon and I thought a lot about the 'what if's' yesterday. By one month old Millie was giving us huge smiles, would Lola have been smiling? I wonder how much she would have grown? How would she have been sleeping? We had a cry for all the things we were missing out on with Lola.

Despite our sadness, friends of ours brought us some joy as well. These amazing friends remembered that Lola would have been 1 month old on the 5/6/09 and sent us a card to say they were thinking of us. We were touched beyond words. One of the most painful things about this point in time is that it feels like people have forgotten about Lola. I know they havn't but people rarely mention her name when talking to us now, so this gesture was so special and we are so grateful.

I also received a letter yesterday from the hospital to say that our debriefing/autopsy results will be on the 4th August. So far away. I am very anxious for this meeting. I need to know what happened in order to get closure, at least that's how I feel now, do you ever really get closure though? Who knows, that's just my expectations of that meeting at this point. I also want to know what the implications are on a future pregnancy. Hmm, it feels like I'm saying a dirty word mentioning another pregnancy already. I think these thoughts though are a way to resolve the hurt I am feeling about my empty arms. This is an absolutely real physical feeling. My arms are literally aching from the need to hold my baby.

Enough for today. I have to take my mum to the airport as she is going home to Perth. One more step towards getting on with every day reality, whether I am ready or not it is just happening!

1 comment:

Chantelle said...

Sending you love. xx